Vampires vs. Everyone

Due to a strange scheduling conflict, Marvel Comics recently released two unrelated multi-issues story arcs wherein the heroes of the X-men and the Ultimates fought vampires. These stories were created and released simultaneously, without the creative teams knowing about the other until they started an ad campaign for the X-Men #1. Ultimates author, Mark Millar, had a twitch (a term I’m now creating in which someone bitches on twitter), complaining that Marvel head editors were essentially screwing him over by trying to beat him to the punch. Now: vampires are nothing new. If you wanted to jump on the new vampire bandwagon, you’re about three years too late. The Twilight phenomenon and it’s fallout are already well established. Something like this was organically going to happen. Also: the X-Men and the Ultimates exist in two parallel worlds. While the characters in both are familiar to the Marvel Universe, the Ultimates are a reboot, which tried and failed to reinvigorate established characters that have been around for nearly fifty years. Whatever the situation was, both comics came out at the same time.
Interestingly enough, both comics featured a restart to old volumes. The vampires sagas began in X-Men #1 and Ultimates #1 respectively. The 90’s edition of X-Men, #1, Vol. I was the highest selling X-men comic of all time due to “collectible” multiple covers (a new scheme at the time which is now commonplace and overused) and over-printing. Ultimates,  #1, Vol. I, began the Ultimates Universe collection of comics, which also included alternate editions of the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man. By beginning a new volume in the series, the comics are carrying a legacy with them.
Both series revolve around virtually identical plot-lines. In X-Men, the vampires want to “recruit” the X-Men by turning them into vampires, and creating a vampire master race that will dominate the world. For some reason, they think that former mutant/X-man Jubilee is their “in” for this quest. In the Ultimates, the vampires capture a newly cloned and Hulk and second-generation Daredevil and turn them. The same plan applies. Since their first choices for vampires sucked, their next targets become Wolverine in X-Men and Captain America in Ultimates. This doesn’t go well.
Since there’s vampires, there’s also Blade. Blade shows up whenever there’s vampires like the Trix rabbit shows up during breakfast. Nobody wants him there, but he comes with the cereal. Blade’s involvement is largely hinged around being an expert on killing vampires. Unfortunately, he’s talking to people who kill giant robots and shape-shifting alien invaders on a daily basis. Magneto can drop a skyscraper on your head. Vampires are no biggie. No one cares about his input, especially since he immediately suggests killing their closest friends who’ve been turned vampire. That doesn’t go well. It like if your friend gets a cold he’d tell you to kill them before you get infected. He’s also useless and kept as far away from the front lines as possible before being arrested for tax evasion (this might not have happened).
In both series, the vampire leader is also dethroned and killed by another vampire, which sets the stories in motion. Dracula gets taken down by his own son, and Sticks (for some reason the head vampire in the Ultimate Universe is ultra-obscure character Sticks) is taken down by the Hulk. Seriously: he tried to go toe-to-toe with a vampire Hulk. This makes no sense, and the comic even draws massive attention to the fact by self-acknowledging it, which is mainly what separates the two series: the writing.
Mark Millar, Ultimates writer, has also written Wanted and Kick-Ass, two comics which were turned into big-budget action movies. This has given him a super-inflated ego and lead him to release his own magazine, “CLiNT,” about how great he is. Now: go and read Wanted the comic book. I’ll give you a minute.
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Back? Okay, now go watch the movie, Wanted. Notice how one has nothing to do with the other? And that the movie is better? That’s because Mark Millar’s involvement was pushed aside. Mark Millar is the new Stan Lee, which means he’ll put egomaniacal shit on the covers of comic books like, “The Best Damn Comic Book Out There,” the same way Stan Lee would put, “The World’s Greatest Comic,” on his. That doesn’t mean their good. There’s this weird sort of pop-culture genre-critical self-awareness about everything he writes, like it’s all part of a joke. The rest is just people running, jumping, and shooting each other Michael Bay style. He even release wide-screen version of his comics. Think about that. Wide-screen. Comics. He’s just trying to create something that someone might make into a high-octane movie with occasional side-boob, which is GOOD BUSINESS SENSE since comics themselves make NO MONEY.
So the Ultimates comic is filled with references to Twilight and second-stringer characters introduced just so they get killed off.
The X-Men comic is slower-paced as it has longer and more issues to fill. It starts off with Dracula being killed, and then the vampires gathering their forces together. One of Dracula’s sons becomes the new head vampire, while another son wonders if he should in turn betray his brother ala MacBeth. In their world, leadership isn’t an entitlement, they have to have the pledged support of each of the vampire sects to obtain and keep it. Betrayal leads to betrayal as plots thicken, Right off the bat, that’s good stuff. Then it gets into the X-Men side and all the hard choices they have to make about Jubilee being infected, the logic behind resurrecting Dracula, and the spreading plague in the city streets as they gear up for the final battle. There’s a lot in there.
In the end, both sides finally overcome their enemies through poor choices on the vampire side. In the X-Men, they seek out and infect Wolverine, who’s power is being able to heal himself from any illness, including vampire. They’re shocked when he turns normal. In the Ultimates, they infect Captain America, who’s power includes being virtually immune to any disease, including vampire. They’re shocked when he turns normal. Also: the sun plays a big role, because they’re sissy vampires. Seriously, in the long run, if you want to start a vampire plague: don’t start with the people who can most easily kill you. There’s seven billion people on the world who can’t shoot optic blasts out their eyes. I’d pick on them first if it were up to me.
On a side note: does anyone else think that Wesley Snipes being imprisoned for tax evasion is a plot by the vampire-lead Shadow Government? Because those Blade movies: they were real. Wesley Snipes is a daywalker. It makes perfect sense: quietly take out the main opposition, then lull the rest of the world into a false sense of security with books and movie and TV shows about half-naked, perfectly sculpted vampire men with bedroom eyes. Desperate women will line up to become infected then spread that infection to the rest of the population. Those who resist are to be used as cattle. Meanwhile: no one believes they exist, and head vampire Dick Cheney laughs in his bunker while supping from a newborn.