Excelsioritis

Stan Lee is a God among men. He’s consistently had a moustache for over fifty years, which should make him king of all hipsters. He’s created Spider-Man, the Hulk, the Fantastic Four, Thor, Iron Man, the X-Men, the Avengers, etc.. Compare that to Todd McFarlane, who created Spawn. What’s a Spawn, you ask? Exactly. With that being said, if you ask Stan Lee to make anything for you, you will end up with a steaming pile of crap. His best years began and ended around the same time as the Hippie movement. Maybe all his work was the result of a three-year acid trip in the 60’s. Who knows? All we can say is he doesn’t have, “It,” anymore. His goofy creations, once on the highbrow end of the spectrum, now seem ridiculous if brought to market. There’s numerous projects he’s been involved in this century across multiple mediums since Marvel Comics tries to keep him as a far away from what made him famous. These projects include cartoons like Striperella, Mosaic, and The Condor. All of them have been so very, very awful. DC hired him, albeit breifly, to re-imagine their most famous heroes. The result was something that could have been recycled instantly into toilet paper. He’s been in nearly a dozen blockbuster movies, but the degree to which you notice him also indicates the awfulness of the movie. Case in point: Ang Lee’s Hulk where he’s a security guard opposite the cheesy 80’s Hulk actor Lou Feregno =  Bad. Iron Man where Tony Stark mistakes him for Hugh Hefner = Good. The most he’s on screen as himself: the worse it gets.
For some reason, the NHL thought it’d be a great idea to get Stan Lee to turn every team in the league into it’s own super hero. Why does every team needs it’s own super hero? I can see one or two, maybe, but all of them? That’s stretching anyone’s capabilities. Stan’s attempt at this has been half-assed at best. His basic premise is to take the name of the team and put, “the,” in front and dropping the plural. For instance: the Red Wings get the Red Wing. You can turn yourself into a super hero using this technique as well. You can go from, “Bob,” to, “The Bob.” Now you’re ready to fight evil.
I’m not going to shit on every one of them, because there’s thirty, and I don’t have that much shit. I’m just going to pick the Canucks.

Now: The Canucks have a whale on their logo, because of poor marketing choices. They thought First Nations Art would be trendy. It’s not, nor will it ever be. Native Art peaked around the 2010 Olympics, and that’s only because they put it on every stupid souvenir and mascot they could make, and they made a lot. It’s not an indicator of it being popular, however, as there can be lots of something, just for the simple fact that someone made lots of something and left it there, thinking someone would like it. I don’t want archaeologists digging this stuff up and thinking this was all we’re about. This was only ever about us Whites/Asians trying to pretend we have our own B.C./Canadian cultural identity by co-opting someone else’s. Since there wasn’t any black people around, we took the Native’s art (just like we took their land). Most teams, when picking an animal mascot will either go for a bird of prey or a wildcat. The Canucks went with a whale. What do whales have to do with hockey? Nothing, but it’s local. Not local enough that you’ll ever actually see a killer whale by happenstance, or exclusive to the area as whales are migratory creatures by nature. However it happened, it’s there on their jerseys, and it looks terrible.
Stan Lee looked at the Canucks logo for ten seconds and made a whale-themed Aquaman rip-off. Then he remembered it’s in B.C. and we’re all lumberjacks up here and added some shit about tree-climbing spikes, because apparently there’s a lot of crime going on in the tops of trees. His cape also transforms into “an enormous whale fluke,” because that’s going to intimidate the enemy. It’s like a halfsie cape that leaves his ass exposed and freezing in the elements, which needs to transform for some reason. He can also fly, because being able to swim fast is completely useless. He’s essentially a super hero version of the Beachcombers. For any American who doesn’t know what the Beachcombers is, it’s Baywatch without fake breasted attractive people and slow-motion running and more tug boats.
There’s literally no crime he could fight if he’s exclusively patrolling the waters off of B.C. except smuggling, and there’s already agencies with actual police powers devoted to that, making him useless. He can’t just board a boat full of refugees and beat them up because they might be legitimate refugees. If he wants to be accepted, he better lie and pretend to live in a secret underwater kingdom. At least that way someone might think he’s not sucking 100% of the time when no one can see him. He can show up late to crimes and say, “I was off battling Mer-Man and a giant octopus. You guys probably didn’t see it because it was underwater.”
Notice how none of his powers involve anything that could help him fight crime. It’s all about getting to a crime. He has hidden spikes, but they’re for climbing apparently, and not for kicking people in the head with his spike boots. That would be impolite and therefore un-Canadian. He can’t even Burtuzi someone with a hockey stick, because he doesn’t have one.
For the record: do you know what a Canuck is? Johnny Canuck was basically a Canadian Paul Bunyan: a giant with an axe. Stan Lee couldn’t be bothered to do a wikipedia search though, so that awesomeness went out the window. Seriously: a giant with an axe. Who fucks with that? No one.