Netflicker

I’ve just recently gotten back onto Netflix after cancelling my one-month free subscription before the one-month period was up. Why did I leave? Because the quality of movies on Netflix is quite low. I went to the closing sale at my local Blockbuster, which had been pulled under by low sales caused by online services like Netflix. They had been virtually cleaned out. All that was left were a few random titles on the shelf marked down to 75% off the ticket price. One of these movies was Vampires Suck.

They were practically giving it away and still nobody wanted it. Why? Because it’s a terrible movie spoofing another terrible movie. You’d think the two would cancel each other out like vampires and werewolves, but it didn’t. When I came back onto Netflix, this was one of the featured movies. They were holding it up like a golden chalice, practically demanding my patronage. Unfortunately, I obliged.

There’s Netflix ads all over the place. On the outset, it’s not a bad service. For your dollar, you’re better off with Netflix than you are at the video store. Even in the commercials, though, when they show the selection, you can tell it’s a bit skewed. I think there’s one where they show A Knights Tale, which isn’t the best choice. It is, however, one of their better choices. I’ve been watching on my 360, but the search options are terrible. What’s worse, is that when you do try a search, it’ll bring up movies that aren’t available, and likely never have, nor never will be. I have no fucking clue why it does this. It wastes time and effort to bring up titles you can’t watch. It’s like it’s acknowledging that it’s disappointing you. Genre searching is a chore too. It doesn’t immediately list every genre on the 360 interface. You first have to look for a movie you want, and if they have it, (which is unlikely), then you can use that as a template to find your genre of choice. It’s tedious work, and it constantly brings up Richard Pryor movies as recommendations. I own one Richard Pryor movie, and that’s Superman 3, where he plays the role of Richard Pryor: computer hacker. It would have been the worst Superman movie if they had stopped making Superman movies. My taste for Richard Pryor has lessened because of this, but there’s no way to explain this to Netflix.
Since coming back to Netflix, I saw Miss March under it’s New Releases titles, which is funny, because I last watched it on Netflix over eight months ago, when it still wasn’t a new release. Does Netflix update that infrequently? Yes. Yes it does. I tried to find something that could be considered comedy to some, as Vampires Suck did not fill that particular craving. I saw a college movie called MILF, featuring a box cover with some dumb-ass college kids looking through the legs of some ho as her ass was towards me. As I still pine for the old days of smutty movies on late night TV, I tried watching it. I think I got five minutes in.

The movie starts like this: some douche is walking around his campus looking at chick’s asses, when he sees some slut bent all the way over. The camera focuses on her red panty-clad snatch for an awkward amount of time, until she notices him and calls him a creep. He stutters, stumbles, and trips over some over girl in the process, which is likely as close to sex as he’s come so far. Then it cuts to his best-friend visiting his mom’s house. Since the movie is called MILF, you would expect the mom to be a MILF. She is not. Casting fucked up for this movie. If you went to the sleaziest strip club in your city at lunch hour on a Tuesday, the women featured there would still be more attractive than this woman. She looks like what they threw away when Courtney Love had plastic surgery. Her hair looks as if it had been washed with feces, and then she tried to burn it clean. It didn’t work. The best-friend wants to bone her, and after some sexual tension, he sneaks upstairs and see her coming out of the shower with a towel on. The towel falls off, and a little piece of my sexuality died with it. There’s some full-frontal going on, but I don’t think Mr.Skin would even bother to include it on their site. Then it cuts back to the dormitory, and I start thinking, “My acting is better than this, and I can’t act.” I shut it down shortly after that.
The other college movie I tried was called National Lampoon Presents: Dorm Daze. I had mistakenly tried watching this before on my old account, and it had frozen up on me like a scratched DVD, which… How does that happen? Is someone in a tiny room somewhere playing these DVDs and broadcasting them live as I select them? If so, they’re the modern day lighthouse keepers. Since I’d already watched part of the movie before, I skipped ahead and watched ten seconds, then I turned it off.

There’s some other movies on there that look halfway decent, like Minority Report. I tried explaining Minority Report to my family, and they just looked at me with confusion as I told them, “They solve crimes before they happen by using these psychic in a pool.” I forgot that it was also about Tom Cruise chasing his eyeball down a hall.