Charlie Sheen has become an entity unto himself. If people aren’t talking about him, they’re talking about not talking about him. Certain talk shows, like Craig Kilbourne have set up “No Sheen Zones,” because they think it’s inappropriate to make fun of someone who’s obviously gone off the deep end.
Question: If it’s not okay to make fun of Charlie Sheen, then who can we make fun of? I was faced with this question once before in high school when I was forced into an assembly to listen to a drunken Indian tell me it’s not okay to watch Married With Children because poor people are poor. This is something that actually happened to me, and I wish to God I was making it up. A random dude wearing a bandanna was invited to speak at our school for some obscure reason. Likely it was part of his community service. He was probably high as a kite as he rambled on about how the show Married With Children was a bad influence. It was like a Scared Straight program where cons try to warn you off a life of gangs and drugs, only the person speaking was still on drugs and instead of speaking out against the ills of society, he picked a sitcom on Fox. He was talking about stereotypes being offensive, when he factually was a stereotype. It was like an irony sandwich. The entire basis of his argument was that it wasn’t okay to make fun of people for being living trainwrecks because he’d seen stuff, man. This presentation gave birth to the modern-day hipster movement.
To any and all people who think it’s wrong to hang on every moment of this explosion of insanity that is Charlie Sheen: this is as good as it gets. Life gives you lemons. Sometimes, those lemons turn out to be overpaid celebrity drug addicts. Use them. Take them in your hands and squeeze them. Feel the juice dripping down your palms. Breathe in the smell of crushed citrus, and feel alive. You are at the lemonade stand of life, my friend, but the sign reads, “Tigerblood 25 Cents.”
If you ever think you’re being depraved by revelling in someone else’s depravity, just step back a minute. Charlie Sheen is a no-talent actor on an overrated sitcom. It’s the highlight of his career, and it’s been a career based solely on roles where he plays himself. It’s like if you were to be paid a million dollar every time you read this blog with open disgust. You're just being yourself. Charlie Sheen is a drunken, drug addicted womanizer who’s had it too good for too long. He’s a generational dick-wad. The only reason he’s an actor at all is because his dad’s an actor. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and then he used that spoon to heat up heroin. Don’t pity him for a moment. Sure it’s tragic. I don’t mean 9/11 tragedy, I mean a literal tragedy, like Antigone. He’s being destroyed by his own hubris. It’s what God wants to happen, because God loves cartoon irony. His fat Irish head can’t handle the meth and whiskey anymore and his producers got tired of propping him up like he’s in Weekend at Bernie’s. He still makes out like a bandit. Charlie Sheen has pissed away more money than you, or I will ever see in our lives. Charlie Sheen has two million twitter followers. Imagine he had a dollar for every twitter follower. He has twenty-two times that amount of money, because every episode of Two and a Half Men got him a 1.8 million dollars. Have you ever watched that show? Have you ever said to yourself, “This guy isn’t being paid enough!” Jerry Seinfeld was making obscene amounts of money before he retired gracefully, but he still wasn’t banking that kind of dough, and he’s still living comfortably a decade or so later with his antique car collection. He still makes off like a bandit for being fired. If you’re fired for showing up to work high, your golden parachute isn’t going to inflate. He’s trying to sue them now for 1/3rd of a billion dollars. What could he possibly do with that amount of money? Take Scrooge McDuck swims?
Fuck Charlie Sheen. He’ll enjoy it. The guy is walking syphilis.
Back to my earlier question: If we can’t make fun of Charlie Sheen, who can we make fun of? The dude’s obviously unfazed by anything anyone has to say about him, and there’s a lot being said. He’s Hulking out on it all. He’s on top of a building waving a machete around and drinking Tigerblood, which could be actual tiger blood. Like I said, he’s got that kind of money. It could me Mike Tyson’s tiger from The Hangover in that bottle. There’s a difference between making fun of Charlie Sheen and a teenage girl, and that’s the fact Charlie Sheen won’t end up vomiting in the bathroom, crying hysterically and cutting himself because you called him fat. When he does that, it’s because he’s having a bad trip, and not because of what you said. He’s got thick skin, which would explain his fat Irish head.
Plus, let’s face it: you’re a terrible person. You need to make someone worse about themselves to make yourself feel better. The farther Sheen falls, the better it is for you, until you have a Sheengazm.
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