I’m on a Drug Called Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen claims to be, “Winning!” and that may very well be the case. Through sheer crazy, he may be close to winning the internet itself. It’s a precarious throne, one which Chocolate Rain and LOL Cat has held, only to be cruelly overthrown by the next contender. Charlie, however, has the tenacity to hold his position as King of all Webs.The dude holds press conferences every day to spew forth insane ramblings. Who else would get high on crank and shit on his own bosses for making sensible business decision, then demand a raise? Chuck Norris doesn’t even have those kind of balls, and he’s 80% balls, (the other 20% is his jean-clad legs for roundhouse kicking). The man is a new kind of crazy. That’s true. Professional psychiatrists can’t even diagnose him. Some people say he’s bi-polar, but even an institutionalized bi-polar patient can talk sense, in the form of shouting and crying. It’s like he’s taken so many drugs that his mind has crossed over into conceptual realities only Timothy Leary could imagine, but never reach. It’s almost unfathomable. If you take a microphone to a Bible-verse quoting crazy homeless person, the recordings would make better sense than this. If you look at the history of famous drug addicts, there’s Ozzy Osbourne, who doesn’t make sense when he talks, but that’s only because he’s mumbling British gobble-gook. A drunken Mel Gibson may slur his accent too, but you can still make out the phrase, “Dirty Jew,” and know it’s full intent. Charlie, on the other hand, even tweets crazy.
Here’s the most insane quote ever from twitter:

charliesheen Charlie Sheen
@
He had the Tigerblood... No doubt!! RT @Chupa72 The Babe's finest year. The Bambino was a level 100 Warlock sir. #Tigerblood
1 Mar Favorite Retweet Reply
Okay: let’s try to analyze this. “He had the Tigerblood…” Which is good, I suppose? Is his blood tiger-like, or did he drink Tigerblood as part of some pagan ritual? Was it striped? “No doubt!!” This phrase has only two exclamation points, as Charlie surmised it was worth more than one, but did not deserve the full three points, as tradition dictates. “The Babe’s finest year. The Bamino…” Ah! This is a reference to Babe Ruth. Fun fact: Charlie is an avid baseball fan. Now this is starting to make sense. “…Was a level 100 Warlock sir.” Now you lost me again, Sheen. A level 100 Warlock? Is this a reference to WoW, or D&D? Levels do not go up to 100 in those respective games. It’s as if he’s aware of these games and their basic structure, but has never played them personally. Or perhaps celebrities/crack addicts have their own expansion of WoW the average citizen doesn’t know about? Perhaps, more disturbingly, Sheen and Babe Ruth are in a secret society like the Masonites, and the Bambino had achieved the rank of level 100 Warlock. That’s not even a high rank in their clan destine organization. Sheen is a level 5.607/16th Paediatrician. That entitles him to free McLobsters.
Facts are facts: Charlie was able to write this after only a few hours on twitter. Some people spend years trying to shape a tweet like this. He didn’t even need the full 140 chars, and spawned about 15 memes. The man is breaking records left, right and centre. He’s at 1,300,000+ followers in less than a week. That’s about the same rate at which people lose interest in twitter altogether. It’s balancing out. If he went on myspace, people might even remember there is a myspace.
No matter how you put it, Sheen is winning. He can threaten to kill porn stars in his hotel room like a modern day Fatty Arbuckle, and still cash in million dollar cheques for not working. Deeply flawed contracts have him set for life. He can afford all the drugs he needs to fuel his tirades, and still fly around the world in his private jet with some cover girl from a chronic-themed magazine. Bear in mind: he’s a terrible actor on an overrated half-assed show about misogyny. I have a show about misogyny. It’s called, “My Life.” It hasn’t been picked up by CBS yet. Do people even watch that show for Sheen, or whatever hot chick his character is currently boning? People watch that show for the same reason old people watch Wheel of Fortune, because of Vana White. Ever watch that show with your dirty old uncle, who leans over and somewhat whispers something about, “Check out the gams on that broad!” Old people don’t know how computer porn works, and only get basic cable, so they have to make due with whatever glimpse of cleavage they can get, no matter how very sad that is. CBS is only viewed by old people. Old people still get horny. Two and-a-Half Men features four and-a-half boobs each episode. Ipso-factso: old people watch Two and-a-Half Men. It’s got nothing to do with Charlie Sheen being a movie actor. Name three movies with Sheen in them. No, that’s Martin Sheen. Try again. WRONG!
The worst part about all this is that five years down the line, Charlie will be the brunt of jokes on award shows the way Robert Downey Jr. is. The guy’s fucking Iron Man/Sherlock Holmes, and he still has to hear about his old cocaine habit and jail stint from some dude that fucked his kid’s nanny. Like half the audience isn’t on ‘cane. If you unscrew the bottom of an Oscar statuette, it’s filled with the white stuff. That’s the only way movies get made in Hollywood. So Downey did too many drugs and ended up taking it in the shitter from a guy named Bubba? Big fucking deal. He’s still Iron Man. You think Sheen could do what Downey does and not make it sad and a little scary? There’s no comparison, aside from the fact their lives are parallel.
See? What I just wrote there was rambling, and crazy, but it’s still not Charlie Sheen crazy. He’s like a Tigerblood fuelled Warlock.

LiveJournal Tags: Charlie Sheen,twitter,crazy,bad ideas