Santa VS. the Zombies

He was making a list and checking it twice. He was going to find out who was naughty or nice. Santa Claus was coming to town.

According to the Decidotron 2800, over seventy percent of the children had been naughty the past year. That was an all time high, even higher than than in the 80’s, when the numbers had been split pretty evenly. He had been lenient back then, as the Decidotron 2800 had been new at the time. A child who may have been a little naughty still received their Transformers figures and Cabbage Patch dolls under the Christmas tree, because Santa was a Saint. Those spoiled children went on to become irresponsible adults, and Santa felt he was partially to blame. Even so, a 70% reading bore further investigation. Perhaps the Decidotron itself was on the fritz. Periwinkle had been bothering him to update the system to the new iDecidotron, but Santa was very old and set in his ways. It had taken much for him to agree to a computerized system in the first place, but the Elf strike of 1978 had made it necessary. The strike itself had barely been settled in time for Christmas, and the rushed production on toys resulted in more than a few disappointed children. In the years that followed, soulless toy manufacturers took advantage of the disenfranchised children by hocking their goods to them through cheaply made Japanese cartoons. Due to the trade marked manufacturing rights, Santa now had to buy most of his toys directly through these companies instead of having his elves make them in his workshop. The struggle now became finding enough money through the trade of resources.

Santa shook himself from his gloomy thoughts and reminded himself why he was at his desk. The Decidotron was showing a significant spike in naughty children following Halloween. This was common with all the Halloween mischief that went on. Santa forgave most instances of throwing toilet paper and eggs at houses, as he was a Saint, but something was different this time. Instead of children binging on candy after Halloween, they had taken to eat each other’s brains.

Santa sat back and thought about that for a moment. Living at the North Pole, he was more or less out of touch with today’s Generation. It was hard to judge a child who lived over 4,000 km away, across the frozen Arctic Tundra that kept his creditors at bay, but he knew that times changes, and every Generation brought something with it. He remembered when children thought they were being naughty for listening to Beatles records, or wearing their hair long. Now, they had taken to cannibalism. Times were strange.

It wasn’t just one or two children, mind you. There was always a bad apple in the bunch. To him it seemed like all the children at once had decided to upset their brothers and sisters by sinking their teeth into their skulls. Perhaps they had seen it on TV, or maybe it was that new Justin Bieber who got them to do it.

As he looked, he also noticed that there were fewer children than ever. At best, there should be seven billion people on the planet, and under two billion of them should have been children. It looked as if there were only six hundred million, or so, all told. Where had all the children gone?

Santa sat back with his egg nog and wondered if there could be some kind of correlation between children eating each other, and there being fewer children. Santa was very old, and there were many things he forgot. At end, he continued his research, and saw it much the same. Children eating one another, and their parents as well. Some even ate their pets. So much naughtiness, and all in little over a months. It was twelve days before Christmas, and Santa was worried the children wouldn’t be able to make up for their misdeeds before the Christmas Eve deadline. From a financial perspective, though, it was greatly to his benefit. Fewer children, and fewer nice children made for fewer presents and less work for himself. Santa was an optimist and preferred to look at things this way.

He depress the button on the intercom and leaned forward, “Periwinkle, I need you in my office please and thank you.” Santa always tried to use good manners. It especially helped around the elves, as they were becoming more belligerent as the years wore on. A kind word here and there helped to keep the peace. The last thing he wanted was another strike.

The large oak doors to his office swung open on greased hinges and in walked the relatively tiny figure of Periwinkle, all dressed in his uniform of green. He was slight, even among elves, standing barely 2’9” tall. His pointed hat and the stripes on his stockings were all designed to make he appear a few inches taller than he ought to be. Santa made sure of that when he approved the company uniforms, as he was secretly freaked out by little people. Children he loved, but short people creeped him out. He told Mrs.Claus that it was because he often mistook them for children and was ready to give them a hearty, “Ho. ho, ho!” and offer them a gift when he realized his mistake. Nevertheless, Santa smiled broadly at Periwinkle as he stood at attention before his desk. The little elf was always more formal than necessary, but reminding him of the casual nature of Santa’s business made no impression on him. He played his role as a soldier in the field, which was why he had become one of Santa’s most trusted elves.

“Periwinkle, I’ve been going over the figures, and I’m noticing an awful lot of naughty children this year. Are you aware of this?” Santa turned the bulky monitor toward Periwinkle and bathed him in the green glow of the text on screen.

“Yes, Santa. Distribution has made a note of it. We’ve increased production at the coal mine to compensate. All in all, this could be a very profitable year for us. We might even be able to pay off or debt with the toy companies,” Periwinkle noted proudly.

“Ah yes,” Santa said distractedly. He didn’t like to dwell on his deal with the toy companies. By licensing his image and selling coal on the global market, he was able to make up for a lot of his losses, but as toys became more expensive, it was difficult to close the gap. “Have we heard from the companies lately?”

“No sir, not since the incident,” Periwinkle said.

“The… incident?” Santa was confused. He’d been sleeping since Boxing Day, as was his wont. Some years he would stay up and keep a normal schedule, but as he got older, he found himself hibernating more and more often. It was difficult to refill the vast reserves of energy it took to deliver presents all over the world. He always woke up by December at the latest in time to make the final preparations for Christmas.

“Allow me to fill you in, Santa,” Periwinkle offered as he produced a flat tablet from his side pouch. Touching it, it lit up like a TV, and he showed it to Santa.

“What’s this?” Santa adjusted the wire frame lenses perched on the end of his round nose.

“This is the new iDecidotron,” Periwinkle explained.

“I thought we decided against that,” Santa made his disappointment known in his tone of voice, which was difficult given his otherwise jolly nature. He looked at the device with confusion.

“We held a meeting with the elf committee back in August, which you couldn’t attend because you were still in your post-Christmas hibernation. Mrs.Claus tried to wake you, but you couldn’t be roused,” he hastily explained. “You do know that in the event your unable to attend we have to proceed without your blessing.” It was one of the concessions Santa had agreed to end the strike of ‘79. “One of the points we decided on was to update our operating system. It’s still backwards compatible with the 2800, but as of now you’re the only person still working with the old system.”

“How many of these do we have?” Santa turned it over. He could find any buttons to push. His thumb brushed the screen and it suddenly changed to show him a different display, and he almost dropped it in surprise.

“One for every elf, and you Santa,” Periwinkle told him reluctantly.

“Oh my stars,” Santa slumped back in his chair and stared up at the vaulted rafters. “How much did that cost us?”

“The cost is moderated by the increase in efficiency and productivity,” Periwinkle explained hastily.

“How much?” Santa repeated. His chair began to spin lazily.

“I don’t know the exact figure, sir, but we were able to afford it after selling off certain assets,” Periwinkle explained.

“Which assets?” Santa became alarmed.

“We sold the oil rights for the Island of Misfit Toys,” Periwinkle told him, unperturbed.

“What about the toys?” Santa fretted.

“What about them?” Periwinkle was slightly confused.

“Where will they live? You know I try to find them a home every year with the good girls and boys,” Santa told him.

“Sir, the children, they… They don’t like those toys. We’ve looked into it, and in pretty much every case where you’ve brought them a present from the Island of Misfit Toys, it goes straight in the garbage,” Periwinkle told him sadly.

“No!” Santa was horrified.

“Sometimes they were burned in the yard. My point is, they’re not good presents, sir. That’s why we threw them all on the island in the first place. We’ve taken to recycling them to save money, and to be eco-friendly,” Periwinkle tried to put a positive spin on it all.

“You mean you kill them!” Santa was shocked.

“They’re not really alive to begin with, sir. They’re toys. We make them out of cheap plastic and lead paint,” Periwinkle shook his head sadly. “Eliminating them is just one of the cost-saving measures we’ve taken. We’re trying to modernize our entire industry. To bring things back to the subject at hand, I’m showing you the iDecidotron so we can look at one of it’s new features. We can now see streaming video of naughty children caught in the act. If I may,” Periwinkle waddled behind the desk with his curly-toed shoes and pressed the screen of the pad Santa was holding. It brought up a new menu. “This is a video taken at one of the toy manufacturers we buy from, over in China. It goes a long way in explaining why things have been so quiet on their front.” After pressing the screen a few more times, it brought up a video of a factory in China. The workers sat in long rows in white coats at an assembly line, putting bits of plastic together to make dolls. No one looked happy. It was quite different from his workshops full of merry elves.

The monotony was broken by a sharp scream from somewhere off camera. A few of the workers looked around, alarmed, but a shift manager walked by and told them to keep working. He struck one of the workers violently in the back of his head, and he immediately bent down at his station and picked up his tools. Then another scream came, this time even louder. The worker did not look back up, so he did not see the main entrance burst open. A worker dressed in the same white coat as him fell backwards through the door, only his coat was splashed with red. The man scrambled backwards on his back a few feet, but the bent and twisted figure above him collapsed over him and began to tear away at him. Blood gushed out from the man’s neck as the strange

On Vacation.

I have from now until Boxing Day off, and I’m already bored after three hours.

My step-son got the last of his Nintendo Ambassador Program games today for his 3DS, which he then took with him on his trip to his real dad’s house. He received ten games in total that I downloaded for him as part of the free program for buying the system before the price drop, such as Mario Kart Advanced, Wario Ware and Kirby, and another goddamn Zelda game. I now have four Zelda games on the 3DS and I didn’t have to pay for shit. Personally, I only ever liked the Zelda game for Super Nintendo. I’ve been meaning to try at least three different Zelda games for the system legacy such as the Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks and the Ornica of Time. If I could justify owning a Wii, I’d want Skyward Sword, because I refuse to own a motion-control system without games that involving me flailing an invisible sword around in my living room.

The first ten games were mainly rejects from the Nintendo system, with all their original charm and faults. Considering that Nintendo was trying to make up for consumers wasting a big wad of cash when they could have waited a few months an gotten the system on the cheap, the initial offering was pretty weak. They were mainly classic games that should be a part of any fan’s collection, but they made me worry about the Virtual Console in general. I’m a consumer that’s bought plenty of XBLA games, and enjoyed them, but their original digital selection seems sub-par to what you could buy in stores, and their classics are outdated graphically. On the other hand, it’s free, and I shouldn’t complain. The new games definitely make up for the old, and the fact that people in the program are getting them free of charge before they ever show up in the virtual store (if ever) is a definite plus.

I was part of the Xbox Live Update Beta program, and couldn’t talk about the impending changes. That’s all in the past now, so I can finally say: I kind of hate the new layout. For anyone who bought a Premium Theme, they lost a lot the functionality in it with the new page settings. It use to be you could switch menus and your Premium Theme would change along with select icons, like the backgrounds for the Avatars in your Friend’s page. That’s mostly gone, or buried deep. You now only see your friends who are on live in the main page of the Friend’s tab, and looking at the friends offline come up with some strange and somewhat unsettling animations for them, that make them seem like their sleeping in a Chinese laundromat. There’s a whole tab for Bing, which is just wrong. Nobody like you, Bing. The music tab is still as pointless as ever, as I doubt anyone really uses it unless they own the now defunct Zune. People who use music on the 360 are people who plug their iPods into the system. The Ap tab is solely devoted to video aps, so it could have been part of the video tab. On my system, even after the update went live, I still have the Preview tab for the Beta. I tried deleting the files in the system, and it’s still there.

I read someone complain about how Xbox found a way to put more ads onto the screen, and they were immediately bitched at for being ungrateful. The guy in the forum brought up the valid point that you’ve already bought the damn thing and paid for the service, so why were they still advertising themselves to you? The main middle of the screen is no nothing but an ad. That’s the main focal point. If you want to find a game to play, go elsewhere. Also, if you happen to like the ad, and try to click on it: good luck. It skips through about five different ads. It’s possible to switch back, but the new menus were intended for Kinect users only, so the controls for doing this are not intuitive. When you want the screen to shift left, you can’t simply push the “left” button. That doesn’t even make sense with the controller, as there are no less than five buttons for “left,” (a left D-pad button, two joysticks, and a bumper and trigger button). Pick one and you have a one in five chance of it being correct.

The only thing I really give a damn about is the Cloud saves. I have two 360s (or one 720). Now I can play a game in my living room, get kicked out by my wife, and then go into the bedroom and keep playing on a different console. Before, I had to use a third-party cable to transfer saves from one box to the next, which was time consuming and could possibly overwrite or damage the saves. It also screwed me out of getting official achievement points before, for some odd reason. Plus: I couldn’t have the same content on both systems at the same time. Now it doesn’t give a fuck.

I also picked up a third-party wireless router for the 360 on the cheap at $20. The official 360 version is still priced at $99, which is insane. The Mad Catz N-something or other (I’m not getting paid so I can’t be bothered to remember their names) required me to basically hack my own network in order to make it work. I followed every instruction, but couldn’t make it through one of the set-up stages. For some reason, it worked using Internet Explorer, but not Google Chrome, and I finally made it through without crying. It was one of those “Eureka” moments where you’re just wandering around work, staring blankly off into space and wondering how things went so terribly, terribly wrong. Now it works better than my computer itself, which is quite sad. It also recognizes the connection as “wired,” even though it’s going through a wireless router.

I’d have to say the one feature I don’t give a shit about is facebooking achievements. That sounds like a surefire way to piss people off. Remember when facebook was new and every time you “liked” a comment, or made a comment, or thought about making a comment, your inbox would fill to the brim with notifications? That seems like it’s part of that.