Nude Beach Patrol

Chief O’Callahan slammed the file down on his cluttered desk as he roared, “You’re a loose cannon, O’Doyle!”

“What did I do this time, Chief?” John O’Doyle asked nonplussed.

“You shot the mayor’s kid!” the Chief retaliated.

“He had it coming. That little fucker looked me straight in the eye and told me he’d never steal again, and I knew that son of a bitch was lying to me.”

“He was a seven-year-old kid who stole a candy bar!” the Chief blasted.

“The law’s the law, and I am the law. Law.” John retorted.

“What? You shot him in the eye!” the Chief pointed to his own bloodshot eye. “He’s lucky to be alive!”

“You want me to finish the job?” John asked eagerly.

“The only thing that’s finished around here is you, O’Doyle! It’s bad enough you shot the mayor himself last month.”

“Nobody parks in a designated handicapped zone without a permit on my watch,” O’Doyle insisted.

“He has a permit. He’s in a wheelchair!”

“Sure… Now.”

“Goddamnit O’Doyle, hand in your uniform!”

“You think this town is going to be safe without me?” John took off his badge and threw it on the desk.

“I said your uniform,” the Chief picked up his badge and tossed it back to him. “Not your badge. I’m putting you on a new beat. The N.B.P.”

“The N.B.P.?” O’Doyle was confused.

“The Nude Beach Patrol! You’re going in commando-style. You’re going to be so deep undercover you won’t even have any cover. You get my drift, O’Doyle?”

“This is bullshit, Chief!” O’Doyle insisted. “Is this because I shot your wife?”

“I mean it, O’Doyle, this is your last chance. You fuck this up and you’re off the force, so I hope you wanted an all-over tan.”

"

PS4gery

Sony didn’t show the PS4 at the PS4 reveal. Their basic reaction to being asked, “Why wasn’t the PS4 shown?” is to answer, “What difference would it make?” They’re trying to sell a product to a mass audience, and they don’t think showing you what that product is is important. For all you know the PS4 could be as large as a dining room set, or require goat’s blood to operate. 

Frankly, the entire reasoning behind a Next-Next Gen system is a little ridiculous. All you’re really getting out of the experience is slightly better graphics. The system is presumably still using the same type of discs as PS3, meaning there’s a finite amount of game you can put on the disc. We’re already dealing with multiple disc games for our current run, like L.A. Noire, Halo 4, and Battlefield 3. Better graphics means more data. More data means less disc space. Less disc space means less game.

Plus you’re playing it on the same TV you’d play your PS3 on. People were bitching because the PS4 isn’t backwards compatible with PS3 discs, meaning you’re expected to keep your PS3. They’re also saying it won’t play used games, meaning you’re a slave to retail prices on an overpriced system.

On the other hand, they’re bragging about how the PS4 is fully compatible with the less-than-popular PSVIta, via Sony Cloud, or whatever the hell they’re calling it. You’re suppose to Stream games like you’d Steam Netflix, on Onlive, which is to say: intermittently.

The big, big thing though, to me, that they won’t show the physical product. Meaning it’s not even done yet. They went ahead and announced a product that doesn’t exist. They could have announced the PS5, to the same effect. At least Steve Jobs would show you the actual product when he was shilling for Apple.

A lot of their titles were being simultaneously released on both the PS3 and PS4 as well, and the exclusives are basically sequels to AA titles.

Sleight of Hand of God

Today, Asteroid 2012 DA14, measuring 45m wide safely passed Earth, traveling between the geosynchronous weather and communications satellites. While astronomers were watching this, a meteorite hit the skies over Russia, causing a shockwave that injured hundreds and caused widespread panic.

Dafuq? Seriously, with this many telescopes aimed at the skies on this particular day, why didn’t anyone notice beforehand? Strangely too, people were comparing 2012 DA14 to an asteroid that flattened thousands of square miles of forest in Siberia back in 1908.

Russians thought the resulting explosion across their sky was WWIII breaking out. Indeed, it could very well have sparked a new war. It’s long been rumoured in Russia that there’s a secret protocol known as, “Dead Hand,” a supposed autonomous system buried in a bunker deep beneath the Earth that will launch an all-out nuclear assault against the United States in the event of a nuclear holocaust on Russian soil. It’s said it measures for earthquakes emanating at the surface. A meteor strike could very well set off it’s sensors. Trouble is, no one knows if it exists. All anyone really has to go by is a mysterious claxon-alarm being broadcast on a localized radio signal, and old stories from the Cold War. Russia has never denied Dead Hand, and why would they? It’s better that they let the American think they have a failsafe device. So it’s either real, or it’s not. If it’s real, nobody really knows if it’s still functioning, or what will set it off. Take the recent nuclear test by North Korea. Would a certain level of radioactivity in the atmosphere set it off? What’s it even connected to, and are those missiles still functioning and aimed at enemy targets?

Personally, I assumed the meteor and 2012 DA14 were one and the same. It seemed too coincidental to be anything different, but the asteroid was viewed as having passed Earth by.

I’m George W. Bush and I Approved this Nude Self-Portrait

So someone hacked into George W. Bush’s e-mail account and instead of finding incriminating intel on 9/11 and the War on Terror, the hacker instead found that Dubya has gotten into painting. That’s like breaking into Fort Knox and finding donuts.

This painting in particular is telling. For one, it reminds me of this:

That’s mainly because Marge captured the image of Mr.Burns exiting the shower. Dubya chooses himself as his own subject, and it’s from an interesting angle. The perspective is somewhat behind his left shoulder him in the shower, with the focus instead being on his own facial reflection in the shaving mirror, to which he himself is gazing. It’s like he showing himself literally at his most vulnerable, while also showing that he is still vigilant. He is aware of you, the viewer, and unconcerned, even expecting. Imagine yourself, the viewer, as the assassin, or perhaps the lover. This is a powerful man, even in his years of leisure. He has lived through America’s darkest days as it’s sworn defender. He has anticipated an attack on his own person, and how could he not? He’s use to the braying catcalls of the media, the liberals, and the protestors. He’s a warrior, but his war has passed, and has been won, perhaps, by a rival successor. Once you reach a certain pinnacle, you expect consequences, but the hammer never falls. Still, after years, there’s that anticipation. To someone, you’re their Bin Laden. They would seek to catch you unaware. Notice how he’s in the shower, but standing aside from the water? This is a moment of literal reflection. Also not the almost childish squaring of the tiles of the shower, yet the faucets and mirror are represented adequately in their circular forms. There’s a stark, brilliant contrast there. His back looks both aged and lithe, muscular at the same time. Notice the work on his hair as well. He’s painted his scalp first, then added hair, so you can see where his hair is thinning. The man has skills.

This is actually a good painting, and he was probably never going to show this to anybody but his closest family and friends. In a sense, the hacker was helping him.

That this was the most “incriminating” thing to have been found is his e-mails is telling of the man as well. It shows a subdued lifestyle where he’s willing to challenge himself to try new things. It shows he’s willing to try things he may not be comfortable with, and explore the man he is.

Pope on a Rope

The Pope announced his retirement around 7:00 a.m. EST yesterday morning. I didn’t find out until 11 p.m. PST that night. I’d been on facebook and several other websites that day, and I didn’t really notice anything. I think cracked.com linked an article about Popes, but I thought that was in response to an upcoming semi-historical movie about a female Pope. I think I was watching the Daily Show with John Stewart and they were talking about it, but I assumed it was a comedy bit, so I had to hit up huffintonpost.com, which immediately takes me to huffingtonpost.ca, being that I’m in Canada. It wasn’t even the top news story when I checked. The headline was about Nuclear testing in North Korea. So in the course of less than a day, the biggest news story went from being front page, to being pushed back. The article in question didn’t even make it immediately clear that the Pope had announced his retirement. Instead, being the Canadian version, it went with a slap-dash article about how a Quebec Arch-Bishop was one of the top three picks for bookies to succeed him. That was the same general article that ran in the Province this morning as well.

That’s the kind of journalism I hate. I hate localized news. If there’s a major, global news story, I don’t want to be told how it affects me. Frankly, hearing that a Canadian might be considered for the Papacy isn’t even news. Every Catholic bishop and archbishop in the world are possible candidates and the decision making process is supposedly based on divine intervention. Is there even anything special about a Canadian being made Pope? Who is an Archbishop more loyal to: his country, or his religion? The current Pope’s country of origin only comes into play when people try to connect him with Nazism, since he was German during WWII. By that same logic, every German and Austrian are Nazis. It’s racist, quite frankly. In the end, having a Pope from your country might mean he visits your country more often. Other than that, it’s bragging rights. Hey Brazil: Fuck you. The Pope’s Canadian.

One of the surprising things to learn from this news was that a large number of the Catholics in attendance didn’t speak Latin, and so couldn’t understand the Pope when he announced his succession. I always imagined that would be a prerequisite for their jobs. Latin and the Catholic Church are sort of synonymous. At this point, I’m starting to think that I could be the next Pope. I did buy that Humble Bundle, and give most of my contribution to charity.

What I took away from the actual reporting is that the news expects you to already know the backstory to every story. In the world of twitter, you should know all the detail of a story before it even goes to air, let alone print. If you spent a busy day at work, or a relaxing day at the beach where for whatever reason you weren’t constantly checking in with news and social sites, you’re going to find yourself at a lost. WWIII could be fought and won in the time you’re away from your i-device, and everyone will have moved on to the latest celebrity nip-slip (hopefully Katy Perry). Meanwhile, you’ll be scratching your head and wondering why your house is now a smoking crater with a North Korean missile in it. Then you’ll go back to image-searching Katy Perry’s breasts. The media expects you to have a low attention span, and yet they’re expecting you to pick up on every little thing along the way as they blast out new stories. I’m only just learning about the Harlem Shuffle, and it’s already passe.

Wii U Complaints

Since my stepson got a Wii U for Christmas, I barely played it. He has three brand spanking new games for it: Scribblenaut Unlimited, New Super Mario Bros U, and Nintendo Land. They’re all fine titles, but he barely even plays them too. At age 7, he’s more interested in the console for Netflix and Youtube. Even then, he’s running into issues.

About twice now, the Wii U has hard crashed doing relatively simple things. My 20 month old, while pounding wildly on the tablet has caused it to hard-lock, but he was just in the home men screen, My stepson has hard-locked it while on youtube. The Wii U froze and wouldn’t respond to the tablet controls, or even the power button on the console itself. I had to UNPLUG IT and plug it back in both times. I’m sure there’s another way around, but that would involve flipping through a manual the size of a novel.

My stepson’s also complaining about the load-times of youtube videos. He has a leas three bars of internet connectivity, but he says it takes minutes to load his Pokemon videos.

Personally, he’s more interest in Pokemon White 2, whereas I’m back into Halo 4. Nintendo Land is fun, but we only have the tablet. The game is trying to get us to get extra controllers and hop on multiplayer, and I’m not into it, even though I have a $5 gift certificate to Best Buy and a basic controller is $19. I’m not even interested in putting in the tiny dollar value into getting a new controller. That’s sad, and it say something.

I picked out Scibblenauts Unlimited, but the game is a breeze to play through. I’m worried a monster session would kill it off, so I’ve been picking at it like leftover Christmas goodies.

New Super Mario Bros U is the same as all the Mario games we have on 3DS/DS/Super Nintendo. Those games are the best of the bunch. The other Wii U games we could get are already out on the 360, which we also have and are loyal to, and cheaper. For instance, I got Arkham City for $20 on sale, but it’d cost $49-$59 for the new “Armoured” Wii U version. Then with games like Assassin’s Creed 3, I’d worry if the same downloadable content would make it to Wii U.

Leftover Pennies

My mother taught me this simple rhyme: “Find a penny, pick it up/and all that day you’ll have good luck.” I’ll assume that this was true back when a penny was considered a legitimate and enduring currency. Now, the penny has been retired, and I wonder, “What will they do with all the pennies?” Literally, billions of pennies, once considered hard currency. Do they keep them in a vault? Do they recycle them? Who the hell is counting all these pennies?
As you know, it’s virtually impossible to get rid of pennies. They’re in your couch cushions, they’re under your fridge, they’re in the carpet at the back of the closet. They’re the roaches of currency. I find it’s almost impossible to go a whole day without spotting a lone penny on the sidewalk or a parking lot. It’s not even worth it to pick it up, really, even though I’m half-Scottish.
That’s what I think this whole thing is about, really. I think there’s a vault somewhere, and it’s filled to the brim with pennies. And every morning, Jim Flaherty gets on his one-piece striped swimsuit and dives into it like he’s Scrooge McDuck.

Pictured: Fiscal responsibility.
True story: I swallowed a penny once, mistaking it for candy. My dad still has it. It’s not a pretty penny.
How could you even tell how many pennies there are? Wikipedia says there’s 35 billion pennies, and they’re all being melted down. Perhaps, to make this American penny:

Pictured: The smallest amount of money billionaire Bruce Wayne can think of.
Sadly, one day my grandchildren will be born into a world without pennies. They’ll look at a penny the way they would look at a Spanish dubloon, if a Spanish dubloon was worthless.
What will happen to the piggy-banks of the future without pennies? What will happen to that satisfying clink-clink when you shake them, without all those pennies bulking it up? My parents still play cards for pennies with their friends, and now they think they’ll have to change to nickles, which are next on the chopping block.
Personally, I use debit for everything. I’m amazed if I open my wallet and find paper money in there. I even phased out my wallet in favour of a band called TGHT I helped kickstart.
Meanwhile, other people have so little respect for the penny they’re using it for decoration, like these people:

The sad thing is, this isn’t even close to the most expensive tile you can get.
What should you do with your pennies? Personally, I'd like to drill a hole in one and wear it on a necklace for good luck, like they do with Japanese Yen.

Canada Phases Out Penny

Canada is finally phasing out Penny.

After years of obsolesce, it was finally decided to do away with her entirely. A number of factors contributed to her decline. Some say it was the death of Dr.Claw to lung cancer in the late 90’s that first signalled the end, followed shortly thereafter by the death of her long-time side-kick Brain to old age.

Pictured: Brian the cartoon dog, not Brain the cartoon dog.
As she went to college, she grew apart from “Uncle” Gadget, who became the Governor of California Since then, she joined Apple, only to be promptly fired, rehired, then fired again. During her tenure, however, it’s believed she helped developed the iPad based on her own computer book, but was never credited for it by Steve Jobs, himself once a M.A.D. Agent.
Desperate for recognition, a now adult Penny used her sex appeal to promote a reality show and line of women’s perfume, bolstered by a widely-viewed unauthorized sex tape with Magilla the Gorilla, titled, "Inspect-Her Gadget: Penny for a Pound/Pounding Penny." She had frequent run-ins with the law, mostly due to her constant interference with police investigations and computer hacking, as well as drunk driving with Lindsay Lohan.
After Heath Ledger was found dead in her home due to an accidental overdose of prescription medicine, she fled from the limelight into total obscurity. No one has seen her in two year, and the Canadian government has declared her legally dead.

Cooking is Bullshit

We bought a special microwave tray and cutter for the express purpose of making homemade potato chips and it’s bullshit. The tray isn’t very large. If you were going to make the equivalent of a bag of chips, it would take about eight passes through the microwave. A single tray serving isn’t enough to feed one person.

The 3-4 minutes suggestion (depending on your wattage) is bullshit too. There’s literally no setting or time in which it takes less than four minutes to cook them without them ending up limp and soggy like you on your wedding night. Cooking them longer to make them crispier makes them burn. So you either have charcoal chips, or limp-dick chips.

You’re not supposed to use oil, or salt either, because it’s healthier that way, so they still taste like an Irishman after. Potato chips don’t taste like potato chips unless they’re greased to hell.

Long story short, the house smells like burnt potatoes. Sweet potatoes, actually.

Superbowl Blackout

The Superbowl Blackout proved one thing: and that’s that people will watch anything. For over twenty minutes, all action during the Superbowl ground to a halt because the power went off. The level of excitement wasn’t any less than it was watching confused officials and coaches scream into their cellphones and headsets than it was during the actual plays. The Superbowl is the most drawn-out game outside of playing chess by mail. They actually tally how many time-outs each team has on screen. The commercials and the half-time show are considered as big a draw as the game itself. Watching people do nothing for twenty-four minutes or-so while five dudes in suits talk about how nothing is going on and replaying the clips they’ve already re-played isn’t much different than watching the game.

So what’s the draw? What’s the excitement, other than being told to be excited? Sports fans are only ever interest in their home teams, so why is there such a huge draw for the final game after all other teams have been eliminated?

The Art of Acting

1: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The last movie Arnie starred in before becoming, “The Governator,” was Terminator 3, in which he stole the wardrobe of a gay stripper, and told people, “Talk to the hand.”

Now he’s starring in, “The Last Stand,” and a paternal lawsuit, one would assume. Looking at this movie, it’s clear that it was written with Andy Griffith in mind. Think about it: a Sheriff well past his prime trying to defend a small town against gun-wielding dudes in black ski masks. The movie was supposed to be a gritty “Andy Griffith Show,” reboot, as was this video:

2: Ben Aflek

As of the time I wrote this blog, Ben Aflek has not won an Oscar for “Argo,” (which sounds suspiciously like “Fargo.”). If he does, I’ll be forced to admit, much like Butters in South Park, that Ben Aflek is a more than decent actor/director. This comes after such atrocities as, “Jersey Girl,” “Gigli,” and, “Daredevil.” Which is the worst of three? I’ll let you decide. (It’s “Gigli). To his credit, Ben Aflek is more than willing to poke fun at himself, as evidenced by numerous appearances on SNL and Kevin Smith movies. There was a time when Matt Damon was considered the superior actor in the duo that created “Good Will Hunting.” Now Matt Damon is mainly famous for being the superior Bourne to “The Bourne Supremacy,” and not marrying an actress, unlike Ben.

3: Liam Neeson

Liam Neeson is the only action star I have to admit to myself I can never hope to take in a fight. Deep down, I feel like I could best Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, Jean Claude Van Damme, Tony Jaa, and whoever the hell else you want to throw in there in a fight. Literally anyone who’s been in an action movie, no matter how lame. Arnie? Ben? I’d use one like a bat to knock out the other. Liam Neeson? I’d piss my pants and lay down and die while crying hysterically, hoping that would spare me.

The man is scary. Like deep-down scary, scary. Imagine if Heath Ledger’s Joker were real and out to kill you. He’d be simultaneously be trying to kill you, and wanting you to kill him. Liam comes across as a man with nothing left to lose. He’s only making movies to keep the feelings of despair and loss away, and you can see it in his creased eyes. Even if you beat him, you’d only be beating yourself in the process. It’d be like fighting a manifestation of an Elder God. Just run, mother fucker. You can’t win a losing war.