The Art of Acting

1: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The last movie Arnie starred in before becoming, “The Governator,” was Terminator 3, in which he stole the wardrobe of a gay stripper, and told people, “Talk to the hand.”

Now he’s starring in, “The Last Stand,” and a paternal lawsuit, one would assume. Looking at this movie, it’s clear that it was written with Andy Griffith in mind. Think about it: a Sheriff well past his prime trying to defend a small town against gun-wielding dudes in black ski masks. The movie was supposed to be a gritty “Andy Griffith Show,” reboot, as was this video:

2: Ben Aflek

As of the time I wrote this blog, Ben Aflek has not won an Oscar for “Argo,” (which sounds suspiciously like “Fargo.”). If he does, I’ll be forced to admit, much like Butters in South Park, that Ben Aflek is a more than decent actor/director. This comes after such atrocities as, “Jersey Girl,” “Gigli,” and, “Daredevil.” Which is the worst of three? I’ll let you decide. (It’s “Gigli). To his credit, Ben Aflek is more than willing to poke fun at himself, as evidenced by numerous appearances on SNL and Kevin Smith movies. There was a time when Matt Damon was considered the superior actor in the duo that created “Good Will Hunting.” Now Matt Damon is mainly famous for being the superior Bourne to “The Bourne Supremacy,” and not marrying an actress, unlike Ben.

3: Liam Neeson

Liam Neeson is the only action star I have to admit to myself I can never hope to take in a fight. Deep down, I feel like I could best Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, Jean Claude Van Damme, Tony Jaa, and whoever the hell else you want to throw in there in a fight. Literally anyone who’s been in an action movie, no matter how lame. Arnie? Ben? I’d use one like a bat to knock out the other. Liam Neeson? I’d piss my pants and lay down and die while crying hysterically, hoping that would spare me.

The man is scary. Like deep-down scary, scary. Imagine if Heath Ledger’s Joker were real and out to kill you. He’d be simultaneously be trying to kill you, and wanting you to kill him. Liam comes across as a man with nothing left to lose. He’s only making movies to keep the feelings of despair and loss away, and you can see it in his creased eyes. Even if you beat him, you’d only be beating yourself in the process. It’d be like fighting a manifestation of an Elder God. Just run, mother fucker. You can’t win a losing war.