I was watching a repeat of the marriage between Prince Charles and Lady Di as the networks ramp up for April 26th, and I was thinking to myself, “What a crock of shit.” This “spectacle” has no relevance at all in today’s society, especially after how their marriage played out, but it’s treated with as much historical import as the fall of the Berlin Wall. The marriage between Chuck and Di meant as much in the long run as the TV show Cheers, in which it’s constantly referred. So it makes me wonder about the upcoming marriage as well, where the new heir-in-waiting marries the new princess-to-be. The two events are pretty much carbon copies of each other, with the mother of all media storms surrounding it as thousands gather in the street waving flags and wearing tacky souvenirs they just bought. Inside, the creme-de-le-oh-so-white-creme of British high society will stare down their noses as two of their automatic betters stand before the altar in a meaningless ceremony.
What was even the point of the Chuck and Di wedding? He was the hideously misshapen King-to-be, and she was the most attractive woman they could find in all of England, which wasn’t saying much. The idea was that they would be the next King and Queen, in title only, of a country that’s about a hundred and twenty years past it’s prime. It’s a place that’s in a constant state of Recession because nobody wants coal anymore, and that’s all they have. What else does England have? Tea? They don’t even make their own tea. They import it all. I live in a country completely surrounded by all the whitest imaginable people, people who couldn’t stand living in England: that’s how bad England is. Bear in mind: they have no political power in their own country. They’re just two people whom circumstances have deemed they live in obscene luxury and occasionally wave out of a window with a gloved hand as they drive past the poorer people. That’s the extent of their duties. It’s like if every time someone won the lottery there was a parade for them in the street. Old women and young girls weep at the very sight of you as you barely acknowledge their meaningless existent. Then: you’re whisked away to one of your twelve palaces.
These two fuckers had everything made for themselves. All they had to do was eat caviar and smile at the cameras, and they fucked that up. How? Was the pressure of becoming the next King and Queen too much? There’s virtually no difference in the lives of a King and Queen and a Prince and Princess. Would there be more cameras and paparatzi following them? No. In fact, there might be less. No one sticks a camera in the Queen’s toilet, because no one cares. For some reason, the media gets bored with you when you’re the real something-of-something. Take every American Idol winner for instance. For the entire contest, there’s a camera in their faces 24/7. Then they win, and they might as well have gone into witness protection. I have no idea why it works that way, but it does. For all we know, the Queen could be killing hobos in the streets at night. We’ll never know, because even the notoriously debauched British tabloids don’t think she’s newsworthy.
So they could have kept up the charade, and lived the good life forever. Not that they lived any less of a good life. Really, they could have dropped their traus and mooned the cameras during the ceremony, and still bathed in champagne that night. Everyone in England could rise up as one and demand their deaths and the Queen could disown the both of them, but they’re too rich and influential to live anything but the pimp life.
But the fact that an entire country showed up to basically watch two people enter into a lie is kind of a sham in and of itself. Everyone looked at them like they were the two most perfect human being in the universe, and the both of them were gritting their teeth waiting to go home and bang the stable boy.
Seriously, what the fuck? What was wrong with them? Why was Charles obsessed with one of the ugliest women in a country renouned for dumpy, dour women? And a married one, no less? And why couldn’t Di not fuck things? That’s pretty all she had to do, was not fuck things, and she could have stayed a princess. I know Charles is no prize, despite being a fucking prince. They both obviously had their choice of people to fuck, and they chose wrong. The only thing that compares is Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. You look at him, and then her, and you ask, “Why would you let your genitals touch that?” With Clinton, the answer was of course, “Because I can.” With the royals, there’s no telling what went on in their minds. Clinton just fucked whoever showed up in his office then told her to get a breath mint and wash her stanky self. The two of them went to insane lengths to hide and cheat with just ugly, ugly, common, but still incredibly wealthy people.
The only lesson learned from the whole ordeal is that no lessons are ever learned. Di was put up on a higher pedestal than before, because apparently cheating on your spouse with a more reasonable looking person than your spouse is currently cheating on you with makes you next in line for sainthood. Now, somehow, this new marriage is as big, if not bigger than the last. Why? I have no fucking idea. Brits are more jaded now than they were during the last marriage, and that was at the height of the punk movement. Now: they’re rioting in the streets over tuitions, or some shit. They’re basically Libyans, only they’re not being executed on sight. I think it’s 100% media-driven. There’s nothing else of interest going on (except for the Japanese Tsunami/Earthquake/Nuclear crisis and the entire Middle East revolting).
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