Sunday, June 19, 2011

Alter-Alter-Ego

There comes a time in every super hero’s life that he needs not one: but two alter-egos to fight crime with. Why? Because people who get superpowers by being involved in easily-avoided accidents aren’t the best strategists.
Best:
Bruce Wayne/Batman: Matches Malone

When Batman needs to infiltrate organized crime in a manner that doesn’t involve punching random thugs in the face, he dons the disguise of Matches Malone, who’s basically every Italian stereotype rolled into one. His getup involves a pornstache, aviators, suits worthy hockey sportscasters, and a toothpick. As Matches, he can get close enough to Gotham’s worst to snap their necks, but that would go against his code. Instead, he plays the part so well that he’s actually ended up in prison as Matches. No one has ever been able to see through his double-disguise without being in on the joke, because Batman is Batman.
Dick Grayson/Robin: Nightwing

Scaly green booty-shorts and pixie boots do not comprise a costume that strikes fear into the hearts of evil, so Robin grew up and decided to become Nightwing. What’s a Nightwing? Who knows, but anything is an improvement on the old costume/name, even if the original high-collar was dated before the 70’s disco era was even over, but it’s highly reminiscent of Deadman. He switched weapons too, in that he started using weapons. His main instrument of choice became a pair of nightsticks, which keeps with the whole theme. Strangely, even though he only really changed his clothes and kept the domino mask, a lot of his former villains never clued in to the fact that Robin/Nightwing were the same person, thanks to the introduction of a new, short-lived Robin.
Jason Todd/Robin: Red Hood
batman under red hood DVD animated feature review
Coming back to life gives you the instant right to adopt a new identity, and Jason chose one designed to stir up difficult emotions in Batman: the Red Hood. The Red Hood was originally just a gimmick that got passed around between gangsters to keep authorities looking for a non-existent ring leader. Even the Joker wore the Red Hood one time, before getting the chemical treatment. Batman got the shock of his life when he saw under the hood and found his dead sidekick. For extra fun, Jason wears his Robin domino mask under the hood, so he’s simultaneously three identities.
Iron Man/Tony Stark: Cobalt Man

Cobalt Man was one of Iron Man’s former foes, until he died of radiation poisoning. Who knew cobalt would make a bad choice of materials to use as armour? Tony took up the mantle, however, to infiltrate the Thunderbolts, all of whom had triple identities as well. They were a super villain team posing as a super hero team lead by Citizen V/Baron Zemo. The weird thing about the Thunderbolts was how they kept everything grey. Tony didn’t know what to make of them and he was an Avenger. He nearly helped Zemo with his evil/good plot to depower every super-being on the planet, because gamma radiation and mental retardation shouldn’t go hand in hand.
Bucky/Captain America/Jim Barnes: Winter Soldier:

Bucky didn’t really have a choice, but for most of the 20th Century he was a thawed-out killing machine for the Russians. They gave him a cyborg arm and brainwashed him to do their bidding, so he went from being some scrawny distraction for America’s greatest hero to a badass assassin. Congratulations, Bucky!
Worst:
Wolverine/Logan/James Howlett: Patch

When Wolverine’s killing ninjas in Madipoor, and wants to go incognito, he puts on an eye patch. That’s pretty much it. He might also put his helmet hair into a ponytail and put on a suit, but bear in mind that he’s basically a hairy midget with metal claws sticking out of his hands. It’s not easy for him to go anywhere and not be recognized. Bear in mind that Wolverine, for about for the longest time, had no idea who he really was. He called himself, “Logan,” and that wasn’t even his real name. Why would someone with amnesia, no birth certificate, no family, and a codename need a second secret identity? The only people Wolverine has to hide from are ninjas and spy agencies, and they’re both very good at finding people. Wearing an eye patch to a bar isn’t going undercover, it’s playing pirate.
Spider-Man/Peter Parker: The Slingers

For Spider-Man, it almost makes sense throwing out the old costume and getting a new identity, given how often his image is plastered over the newspapers with the words, “Menace,” written in the headline. So when it all got to much to bear, he created not one: but four separate disguises: Prodigy, Dusk, Ricochet, and Hornet. Each identity used a different aspect of his skill-set, like Ricochet used his agility, Dusk his stealth, Prodigy his strength, and Hornet his inventiveness. He was basically his own team, thanks to a few quick costume changes. As awesome as it was, it was also retarded. He’s going to be shot at no
LiveJournal Tags: ,
matter what he wears, so why bother with theatrics? He thankfully dropped the act, but for some poorly-explained reason, four other heroes took up his identities in a clear case of copyright infringement.
Dick Grayson/Nightwing/Robin/Batman: Crutches

Crutches is to Nightwing as Matches is to Batman. Same concept, only Nightwing took it too far and went deep undercover, becoming a mob bodyguard. Now: as crutches, he’s basically just Dick Grayson on a pair of crutches, who’s posing as a kung-fu master. So his disguise is to use no disguise, and an overtly complex persona. Bear in mind to infiltrate the mob, he has to prove his worth. When you show up to an interview for a bodyguard, and you’re on a pair of crutches, you’re not getting the job.
Bruce Banner/Hulk: Mr. Fix-it

Okay: so when Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the full moon comes out: he turns into Mr.Fix-it. Instead of smashing people because he’s mad, he smashes people because he’s being paid to smash people. He has a job as a Las Vegas bouncer, which is messed up since he’s part super-genius/part wrecking machine, and his main interest is standing outside doors and checking clip boards. Plus: he learns the value of a finely-tailored Big’n’Tall suit.

No comments: