How Do You Like Those Apples?

Halloween is the only time of year where you can be arrested for trying to give nutritious, fresh apples to children as treats. There’s nothing sketchier than someone giving out apples out on Halloween. You can expect to be ostracized from society after a thorough police investigation if you do. Everyone knows strangers put razors blades and syringes in apples to murder and mutilate our children. Except they don’t, and they’ve never. Every instance of a treat being poisoned or tampered with is a direct result of the parents doing it themselves. It’s an urban myth, which is easily debunked thanks to police files being linked online.

Apples were traditional treats as well, as they fit into the Fall harvest theme that use to be a part of the Halloween season. Remember apple bobbing? No one under twenty does, because of the myth, and also it wasn’t a great game to begin with. It’s like your trying to make eating an apple as unhygienic as possible by having everyone dip their faces and saliva into the same barrel. Plus you couldn’t play if you had face paint or a mask on.

If someone tried to give your kid a candy bar in his lunch, like at McDonalds, you’d start an online protest. If someone tries to give your kid an apple on Halloween, you’d burn their house to the ground like they were Freddy Krueger. How did that happen? Was it a candy company conspiracy?

Why are we only afraid of our children being poisoned by apples on Halloween? Isn’t that technically something that could happen any time, any where? How hard is it to stick a razor blade in an apple at the grocery store? You could even do it at an orchard, and no one would ever suspect until they bit into one.

Is that why whenever you see a kid’s meal with apples they’re always, always sliced? Are we that paranoid? A kid is as likely to choke to death on an apple slice as they are a whole apple. Plus you lose the core and the seeds that way, which you could have used to grow a new apple tree. Throwing an apple core on the ground isn’t garbage, it’s environmental. That apple core isn’t going to become a tree when it’s taken to the dump. If someone mushes it into the ground with their shoe, however, it’s an endlessly renewable food source. What the hell do the apple-slicing companies do with the cores anyway? Are they composting them, or something more sinister? Are they using them as a “food” source?