There’s No “I” in “Tieam”

Fact: I’ve won as many Tour De Frances as Lance Armstrong.

Double Fact: I’ve won as many NCAA games as Penn State during the years 1998-2011.

It amazes me that people can dedicate so much time, blood, sweat, tears and have it all taken away from them in a blink of an eye. Ordinary Joes like me lose all the time, but these people are champions. They’re so use to winning that they expect it. My general suckiness is usually the key to my downfall. Taking ‘roids and touching boys has never factored into any of my loses.

How do you do to being a household name to a nobody with one ball, or an asshole wider than most people’s mouths? Secrets. Terrible secrets. When you put yourself out there, you know someone’s going to find the skeletons in your closet. Maybe you get lucky like the “Governator” and nobody finds out about your secret love child until you’ve stepped down from your post, but if you’re a professional athlete and you’re doping you know you’re going to get caught. How the hell did Lance Armstrong, (either guilty or innocent even if he never confessed) not get caught in ten years? He’s had more people look at his piss than… oh, I don’t know, your mom on the internet, let’s say. If doctors were able to find cancer in his nuts, how could they not find performance enhancing drugs in his piss? It’s worse, of course, in the case of Penn State when it seems that so many people knew some sick shit was going on for years, and didn’t say a damn thing to anybody.

That’s not even my point. My point is that watching these people crash and burn makes me feel better about myself and my own sucky life. I can accomplish more by doing nothing and come out better than they do in the end. Look at me: I’ve got two nuts and no one is trying to shank me. Did I ever win a championship? No, and neither did they by reverse decisions. All they managed to do is waste everyone’s time, and do several other things worse than that.

My question is: if they didn’t win, who did? They had their wins erased, but does that mean their opponents are now winners? Did someone show up on their doorsteps with medals and trophies?

Sports, in general, seem to be getting more and more ridiculous with their officiating. How can you lose years after the fact? Who still remembers these matches to begin with? How will they look to sports historians? Are the people involved still alive? After ten years or more, a lot of people will have moved on with their lives. Imagine someone being handed a win after ten years. Think of all the endorsements, the salaries, and the opportunities those people could have had if they had only been declared the winners in the first place. Their lives could have been totally different.