Shitwich

I bought a jar of Crunchy Wow Butter today at Safeway. Wow Butter is a peanut-alternative soy-butter product. For every invention George Washington Carver made, someone out there had to invent an alternative. It’s like Apple and Samsung, but in this instance the knock-off is more expensive than the original. It’s like $5.00 for a tiny jar. I also saw a Maple Butter jar that was about $12, and I’m pretty sure it would cause diabetes, and turn people Canadian. It’s basically a magic-potion that’ll turn you into my brother. They should spray that stuff over battlefields so everyone has to stop fighting to take their insulin and watch hockey.

As I was spreading Wow Butter over my bread, I stopped to wonder what made it, “Crunchy.” Was it peanuts? How is something crunchy like a peanut and not a peanut? What the fuck is soy anyway? Apparently I was eating toasted soy.

Soy can be made into anything. There’s soy milk. You can milk soy. I don’t know how that’s possible. Tiny, tiny teats? No one goes out and eats a handful of soy on their own, though. It’s a garbage food, but it’s in everything. So is sunflower seeds and corn, but people like that by itself. Nobody likes soy for soy. That’s why they have to call it, “Wow Butter.” “Soy Butter,” would make a person vomit before it even touches their lips.

It doesn’t taste that bad, or different… at first. Then, like by the third sandwich it starts to taste more like… whatever soy tastes like. Like this bland, plastic flavour. All I know is that it lets me get my peanut fix without killing my step-kid.

Halloween is coming up, and the top two candies are Snickers and Reese. I would kill for Reese. I would dress up as a clown, jump out of the bushes, and kill sexy teenagers with a machete for their Reese. I’d put it all in a bucket and dump it over myself like a candy Flashdance. I’m talking about the cups and the pieces. I want those all over me and in me. I want to make a rap video where instead of cash, jewellery, big asses and Cristal, everything has been replaced by Reese.