Presidential Loopholes

Remember when Gore won the popular vote and that didn’t mean shit? I’ve always wondered what other loopholes there could be.

For example, what if:

• The world ends on December 21, 2012, making this election moot.
• Romney: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe that government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what. And I mean, the president starts off with 48, 49, 48—he starts off with a huge number. These are people who pay no income tax. Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax. So our message of low taxes doesn't connect. And he'll be out there talking about tax cuts for the rich. I mean that's what they sell every four years. And so my job is not to worry about those people—I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives. What I have to do is convince the 5 to 10 percent in the center that are independents that are thoughtful, that look at voting one way or the other depending upon in some cases emotion, whether they like the guy or not, what it looks like. I mean, when you ask those people…we do all these polls—I find it amazing—we poll all these people, see where you stand on the polls, but 45 percent of the people will go with a Republican, and 48 or 4…” This entire quote basically states that Romney disavows forty-seven percent of the American population, meaning that even if elected, Obama will still retain control over this section, dividing the nation in two. If you’re on any kind of welfare or social program, then Mitt Romney isn’t legally your President.
• Zombie Lincoln. Never lost an election or stepped down from office, meaning he still is technically President… of BRAAAAAINS!
• George W. Bush being elected as President turned the American democratic system into a monarchy, as his father was a sitting President. Thus the United States are disbanded and given back to Britain.
• Obama loses and invokes, “Thunderdome,” challenge to Romney.
• Fallout from Hurricane Sandy leaves a huge swath of the American population unable to cast their vote. The results are not recognized because of this.
• Someone finally notices that the Bill of Rights expired hundreds of years ago and was never renewed.
• Obama wins, but loses his birth certificate. Trump totally calls him on it.
• In a Criss-Cross killing, both potential Vice-Presidents kill their Presidential opponents. (Personal note: as a terrible-side effect of googling, “Criss-Cross” to spell-check, I accidentally pulled up the results, “Cris-art.” I didn’t even click a link, but an add-on for Google Chrome highlighted a comic picture of a dude jacking off another dude inside his pants. That’s the essence of the internet.)