Fuck A Duck

Setting: “Fuck A Duck” Gameshow

Props: Microphones, a kiddie pool with water, a blindfold, duck.

Bill: “Hi, I’m Bill Tannerman and you’re here for another exciting episode of America’s favourite game show, ‘Fuck a Duck!’ Let’s meet our first contestant, Michelle! Michelle! Welcome to, ‘Fuck a Duck!’ Tell me, where are you from?”

Michelle: “I’m from Tennessee!”

Bill: “That’s unfortunate. Tell me, Michelle, have you ever fucked a duck before?”

Michelle: “No I haven’t, Bill!”

Bill: “Well do you know how the game is played?”

Michelle: “I sure do, Bill!”

Bill: “You’ve got to fuck a duck! Everyone’s a winner, Michelle! There’s no wrong way to play. Why don’t we meet the ducks? We’ve got five ducks here tonight. We’ve been feeding them bread crumbs and cigarette butts. I don’t know what ducks eat. Michelle, looking at these ducks, could you tell me which ones are boys, and which ones are girls?”

Michelle: “No I couldn’t, Bill!”

Bill: “Does it matter to you?”

Michelle: “Not really, Bill!”

Bill: “We’ve got a bisexual duck fucker here tonight, folks! She goes both ways! With ducks! Now do you know anything about duck genitals at all? Do you know what they’ve got going on down there?”

Michelle: “No I don’t, Bill!”

Bill: “Me neither! They seem really small, though, because I’ve never personally seen them and it’s sort of my job here. Are you worried about contracting duck S.T.D.s?”

Michelle: “Not really, Bill!”

Bill: “Are you worried about giving our ducks S.T.D.s? That would be bad. I mean, I’ve known these ducks for a while now, and I’d hate for anything to happen to them. I’ve come to think of them as a second family, as my real family no longer speaks to me. ‘Cause of the show. But life goes on. Michelle, are you ready to fuck some ducks?”

Michelle: “I sure am, Bill!”

Bill: “Wait! Before you go and fuck these ducks, I want to know, would you risk it all and go one better? Tonight, we want you to try our Super Secret Special Round, Blind Man’s Luck Duck Fuck! Michelle, let me tell you all about it! In Blind Man’s Luck Duck Fuck, you have to put on a blindfold and then step into our Wading Pool of Doom! Yes, there’s going to be five different ducks for you to fuck, but don’t fuck that loon! That’s right! There’s a loon in there, and if you fuck it by mistake, you’ll be immediately escorted from the facility and thrown off a bridge. How does that sound?”

Michelle: “That sounds exciting, Bill!”

Bill: “But wait, there’s more! If you fuck all five ducks, you can win a fabulous prize. Tatters, tell her what she can win!”

Tatters: “This 64 pack of Crayola Crayons featuring only the most racist colour known to man, Indian Red!”

Bill: “That’s right! 64 Indian Red Crayons. Think of it, you could draw the entire Trail of Tears with that. What do you think about that, Michelle?”

Michelle: “I think I’m ready to try Blind Man’s Luck Duck Fuck!”

Bill: “She’s going to do it! Folks, while she’s stripping down and lubing up, I want to talk to you about our #1 hit-rated show. Did you know that, ‘Fuck A Duck,’ is actually based on a much less popular Canadian game show call, ‘Fowl Play?’ The rules are the same, but instead of ducks, they used Canadian Geese. They had to be shut down after the second season because everyone caught, ‘Swimmers Itch.’ Can you imagine it, folks? Canada, it’s just like America, but without the balls. Alright! Let’s see how Michelle is doing! …She appears to have downed in four inches of water… That’s… unfortunate. Folks, we’re going to take a commercial break and see if we can revive Michelle. If not, we’ll see you next week, right here on, ‘Fuck a Duck!"'