Swearitol

Setting: An office cubicle.

Jane: “Gosh darn it!”

Bob: *Pokes his head in* “What’s the matter, Jane?”

Jane: “My computer crashed again!”

Bob: “Let me see.” *Muses it over* “Hmm… I think I see the problem. It’s your weak fucking swearing.”

Jane: “My what?”

Bob: “Recent studies show that swearing makes you more fucking effective in all aspects of your life, including computers and technologies. Just watch! WORK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” *Computer turns on.* “There you have it.”

Jane: “Every time?”

Bob: “Every mother-fucking time.”

Jane: “But how can I improve my swearing?”

Bob: “Here, try this shit out, bitch.” *Pulls pill bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket.*  “New Swearitol is the fucking shit. It’ll make your swearing go from, ‘Darn-it,’ to, ‘FUCK YOUR FUCKING-ASS MOTHER!’”

Jane: “But how does it work?”

Bob: “Shit-head scientists found out they couldn’t cure tourettes-syndrome, but they sure as fuck could give you the same symptoms in pill form. Here, take one.” *Bob empties a pill out into his hand and Jane takes it. She moves to put it in her mouth.* “Not there.” *He shakes his head. Jane hesitates, then puts the pill up her skirt.* There… There we go. Nice and slow. You like that, don’t you bitch. Sorry… Where as I? Oh yeah. Try it the fuck out.”

Jane: *Clears throats.* “COCK-FUCKING SUCK SHIT! SHIIIIIIIIT! Wow, this works great. Are there any side-affects?”

Bob: “Only if you’re a fucking pussy!” *Bob laughs.* “Seriously, though, there are some very serious side effects, including death. Diarrhea, is the main one, then death. Sometimes you shit out the pill before you die, but if you can’t, you’re fucking dead. I should have mentioned that, but I don’t really like you.”

John: *Sticks his head into the cubicle.* “I heard you two swearing in here. You’re both fucking fired.”

Bob: “Oop! Swearitol?” *He points to John knowingly.*

John: *Shrugs and sheepishly pulls a bottle of Swearitol out of his pocket. Everyone laughs. “Seriously, though, you’re both fucking fired. Get your shit and get out.” *John then grabs his stomach and shits his pants. Everyone shits their pants, including the audience. Blood gushes out of their mouth and asses, then they die.*

Announcer: *Picture of Swearitol on the screen.* “Ask your doctor is Sweartiol is right for you.” *In softer voice:* "”Swearitol is not right for you. Do not ask your doctor.”