Overthinking Cinderella

The Fairy Godmother:

Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother decided to make a carriage for Cinderella and she needed horses to carry it. She already had one horse, but instead of using him, she turns the mice into horses and turns the horse into the coachman. That’s like shanking someone on your first day of prison kind of crazy. She’s out to prove she’s not going to be fucked with by a bunch of fucking animals.

Cinderella’s father is dead and her life is dictated by an evil step-mother. Why is the Fairy Godmother, who’s supposed to be looking out for her, only showing up now when she’s about to miss a ball? Is it really the worst day in Cinderella’s life? Her best-friends are mice: that’s how bad things have got for Cinderella. The next day Cinderella’s locked in her room and the Fairy Godmother is nowhere to be seen.

Also: She tells Cinderella the magic will only last until midnight and it does, but her slippers stay glass. That means the Fairy Godmother had the power to make her enchantment last forever, but specifically chose not to. She intentionally wanted Cinderella to suffer. She’s basically no different from her evil step-mother.

The Mice:

Without Cinderella around to help them the mice would likely have been murdered by the cat Lucifer. They’d either have to move in to the palace with her, or be murdered, and how would Cinderella explain them? Imagine you’re the Prince and you found out the new bride you just met not only talks to mice, she makes them clothes. If she kept them secret, people would still think she’s nuts, because they’d catch her every so often talking to cups and holes in the wall. That’s when it pays to be a pretty blonde girl.

The mice are also probably the only ones in the bride’s party during the wedding. I don’t think Cinderella would have bothered to invite her step-mother and two step-sisters after years of abuse, and they were the only humans who even knew she was alive. Plus, Cinderella makes all the mice’s clothes for them. At her wedding they’re wearing elaborate formal outfits, meaning that Cinderella spent her one-woman stagette sewing mice clothes. That’s super-sad for her.

Prince Charming:

Everyone goes on about how Prince Charming can’t tell who Cinderella is without the glass slipper. He’s not the one going around trying the slipper on all the kingdom’s ladies, however, that’s the King’s right-hand-man doing that. Imagine how super-creepy that would make the Prince seem if he’s going door-to-door putting shoes onto women’s feet, like he’s using his nobility to indulge in his foot fetish. In reality, no one knows who Cinderella is. She’s a shut-in. Representatives from the King come to her house twice and they have to ask if any other women besides the step-mother and step-sisters live there, and they’re told no. She doesn’t even exist in a census.

The Step-Mother:

It takes the step-mother two seconds to figure out Cinderella was the woman with the glass slippers, even though it defies all logic. She doesn’t know where Cinderella would have gotten the glass slippers from, or how she was able to sneak out, but she distrusts her enough to believe.

Cinderella:

She makes a dash when it’s midnight, knowing she’ll never have another chance with Prince Charming. Her only reason for doing so is vanity. Without the spell she loses her Cinderella dress (which is literally named after her), and her hairstyle. That’s about it. Obviously, she’d have to explain to the confused Prince why she’s now magically dressed in torn clothes and looks like she spent all night crying in the dirt, but other than that she’s golden. She blows her one opportunity because she doesn’t want her future husband judging her on her natural look. What happens the day after their honeymoon when she has to show him what she looks like in the morning? Will she bolt then?