When I began writing about comic book movies, I forgot there was an infinite amount of comic book movies to write about, hence these posts will have to be spaced out.
Ghost Rider (2007)
This movie was the precursor to the moment when all movies became Nicholas Cage movies. Immediately after this movie was released, the Recession hit. Nicholas Cage lost millions due to bad housing investments and had to recoup his losses by acting in as many movies as possible. He’s been in at least 17 movies since this was released, according to imdb.com. That was six years ago. He’s closing in on becoming one of the most prolific movie actors of all time.
Ghost Rider is an easy plot to follow. Jonny Blaze, a motorcycle daredevil, makes a deal with the factual Devil and winds up becoming Ghost Rider, a flaming skull-headed, leather-clad demon who rides a motorcycle with hellfire for wheels. That’s pretty fucking awesome. Only, even when Nicholas Cage isn’t on screen, he’s still on screen because they digitally copied his skull and used it for the Ghost Rider CGI. You’d think a guy who jumps over rotating helicopter propellers for a living wouldn’t have anything to prove, but then you don’t know Jonny Blaze. They go out of the way to stay true to the comic’s cannon, and even create an origin story for his signature chain weapon. At the time, Jonny Blaze had long since been replaced as Ghost Rider back in the 90’s. At least the unlikely named Jonny Blaze and his equally obvious occupation as a motorcycle daredevil had an alter-ego with a life of his own.
Ghost Rider comics, strangely, has as weird as statistics as NASDAQ. Comic sales go up and down with the popularity of motorcycles themselves. Right now, there isn’t an ongoing Ghost Rider series. Go back a few years, though, and the series coincides with the popularity of reality shows about making motorcycles. It synchs up with Jesse James, the Terminator, Easy Rider, and others. Unless someone’s riding a Harley, Ghost Rider isn’t around. That new show about motorcycle gangs didn’t help anything because no one watches cable TV anymore, thanks to the internet.
You know what’s weird? Ghost Rider was mentioned in another comic book movie, The Crow, and was also featured on the same movie’s soundtrack due to a song sung by Henry Rollins. That song is awesome, though, and so it Henry Rollins.
I own Ghost Rider comics, and a legit Ghost Rider action figure. The movie is still pretty bad though. Imdb.com gives it 5.2 out of 10, which is a C- in laymen terms.
What people should hate more:
Ghost Rider: Spirits of Vengeance (2011)
In my blogs, I use a lot of colons. (So does your mom.) You know what else uses colons? Movie titles. Coincidence? (I fucked your mom in the ass.)
I didn’t see this movie. Therefore, I can’t critique it. Why was it made? Nicholas Cage. That’s the answer to that question. He was willing to give up his star power to make shit, and so we have shit. It got a 4.4 on imdb.com. At age 33. I can’t even bring myself to illegally download this movie and watch it. There’s no reason for it to exist, and there won’t be another Ghost Rider for decades to come.
Also:
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Hugh Jackman is an Oscar hosting phenomenon, like Seth Green. Did this movie really come out in 2009? That’s not too long ago. Still, it sucked. Yet, it stayed true to both the X-Men movie trilogy, and the X-Men First Class reboot/prequel. In this age of Netflix you can watch X-Men: First Class anytime you want for $8.99 a month. Still, you don’t. I’m using my mother-in-law’s account and I’ml not watching it.
This movie came out after X-Men: Last Stand, which tried to kill the franchise. Two X-Men movie with one yet-to-be-screen Wolverine sequel later, the franchise is still thriving.
The Wolverine movie came out after 18 years after X-Men comics peaked in popularity with X-Men #1 in 1991. Wolverine himself was once going to have been rejected as a character after his first appearance in a Hulk comic book, only to be brought into the X-men in Giant-Sized X-Men #1 in 1975. It would be seven years later before Wolverine got his own comic book. Consider that most comics titles come out once per month. That’s 84 chances for Wolverine to get his own title.
Wolverine, as a character, is awesome. He the character Batman wishes he could be. Wolverine is the dividing figure between Marvel and DC. In the Justice League side of things, nobody no matter how evil is ever killed for their crimes. Wolverine doesn’t give a shit about morals. He kills so his friends don’t have to. He does all the ditty work the Punisher and Deadpool can’t be bothered with.
This movie included a scene with Hugh Jackman running bare-ass naked into a barn. To this, I epically remarked, “That’s how the Swine Flue got started.” This gained points for being timely. Today, Swine Flu isn’t even a historical footnote. That’s the kind of joke Leno wishes he made.
The worst part of this movie is how it misused Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, and misused Deadpool in general. It introduced the White Queen Emma Frost, which later re-appeared in X-Men: First Class, negating everything in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
Ryan Reynolds ad Deadpool was a Godsend, which was misaligned by him being replaced later in the same movie by the guy who played Darth Sith. Deadpool became half-Cyclops, which made no sense to anybody; either the movie audiences, or comic nerds. Deadpool (who’s only power is mutant healing) blasted apart half-a-nuclear silo with his optic blast he stole from pubescent Cyclops.
Sabertooth, played by a massive, hulking figure with claws and low-morals, was actually done more credence than anyone in this movie, including X-Men where that character was blown off the Statue of Liberty. He was presented somewhere between a snarling beast and a conniver. The log-hut bar fights between Wolverine and Sabertooth came across as both real and brutal. The Alberta-climes almost came across as legit, minus the –32 degree temperatures. At this point I’m too drunk to critique this Wolverine movie further. I can’t even spell, “further.”
And so ends this great critique.
Holy shit, I’m trying to publish this and I can barely see the sceen.
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