The main thing I took away from the new Star Trek movie was that there was a medical advancement that could effectively cure any disease, even death, and it existed for more than three hundred years before the events in the movie took place. It’s existence makes all other medical treatments obsolete and could effectively wipe out entire fields of medicine and their practitioners. Without giving away any spoilers, the medical advancement crops up three times in the movie and on one occasion it literally cures an incurable disease in seconds. In the rebooted Star Trek universe, this technology is easy to use and readily available around the time we live now, but it was mothballed and didn’t see the light of day for hundreds of years because… it’s never adequately explained why. Yet, even after it’s rediscovered, no one realises it’s full potential. They don’t even think to mass-produce it. Nobody says, “Stop what you’re doing with the phaser battles and lens flares, and come look at this shit. We just became trillionaires!”
Did I mention lens flares? Because J.J. Abrams decided to ignore all the criticism about the use of lens flares in the first movie (and there was a lot of it), and used it again. It’s an artistic choice that makes no sense. If he had decided he was going to film the whole movie using an Instagram filter, that would have probably been a better choice. The lens flares are digitally added, and cost time and money, meaning that the entire production could be held up for weeks because the director decides there’s not enough glaring lights in his movie. Plus, I watched the movie in 3D, and the lens flare looked flat, which took me out of the moment. Every time they’re on deck and the lights start blaring at you, you’re like, “Fuck, really? This shit?”
The other weird thing about the movie was the constant shift in rank. In the first twenty minutes there’s about five or six people getting promoted, demoted, then promoted again, and resigning altogether. If your job was like this, you’d walk the fuck out. I think three different people sit in the Captain’s chair, with another on deck. If you were on the ship, you wouldn’t know who to salute to. You might wake up and find you’re Captain. There’s one moment where a character has a Star Fleet vessel and you’re like, “Where the fuck did they get that? Didn’t they quit? Do they let you keep them as a parting gift?” Still, the characters rally against any protest the admirals might make about how they do business on the Enterprise, like their complaints are unwarranted. It’s like that new, terrible reality show on FOX, “Does Someone Have to Go?
I noticed the one thing the movie does well is to introduce minority characters, outside of the “original/rebooted” cast. If there’s a dude or dudette on screen that’s only got one line or two, they’re black, brown, or an android. (I swear I saw what must be the rebooted version of Data.) Beyond that, they’ve got fat bald chicks possibly filling in for Kristie Alley and 400% more brown people than the rest of the Star Trek universe combined. One of them turns out to be a terrorist, but still… Is that progress? The original TV series was hailed for groundbreaking way it showcased a multi-cultural cast. Kirk and Uhura had the first white/black kiss on film. The movies that followed? They seemed to forget that. Pretty much everyone who wasn’t Sulu or Uhura were white. Even the one movie had a white actor playing a Klingon in blackface (why wasn’t that ever considered racist at the time?).
The movie also has a romantic sub-plot/love-triangle that goes nowhere. Kirk sees the new love interest in her underwear, then that chick and Bones are alone together and flirting on an alien planetoid. That’s all that ever comes of that. Supposedly, they’re setting up the romantic sub-plot for the next movie, which kind of leaves the audience hanging. She’s not a crucial part of the movie, or even necessary, and could disappear entirely in the next film if the actress tries to hold out for more money. James Bond had more meaningful relationships with women he’d spent three minutes in a hot tub with.
The movie also eludes to something J.J. Abrams might try for his Star Wars reboot. There’s a scene where Spock, Uhura and Kirk are all together and risking their lives, and they decide then and there they’re going to have a long and drawn out conversation with Spock about his real feelings and their relationship, although he’s a Vulcan. Imagine if they tried that shit with Leila, Han, and Chewie.
Leia: “Before we blow up the Death Star III, I want to talk about our relationship.”
Han: “Right now? Like right now right now? We need to save Luke from Darth Vader II!”
Leia: “You never talk about your feelings!”
Chewie: “GRRRGGRGHH!”
Leia: “You keep up of this, fuzzball!”
Han: “I never want to talk about my feeling because I’m too busy being awesome.”
Leia: “You never thanked me for rescuing you from the frozen carbonite!”
Han: “Probably because you did jack shit while I was being frozen, then waited five years and fucked up my rescue. I had to be saved by fucking Lando from a giant sand vagina while you were wearing a metal bikini and getting groped by a giant green slug! How’s that for my feelings?”
Leia: “You nerfherder!”
Han: “And that’s another thing: do you even know what a nerf is? Have you ever even seen one?”
Leia: “I..”
Han: “Nerfherders make good money, you know.”
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