Flipper, Flipper, Faster Than Light

Have you ever been to the aquarium where they’ve rescued a dolphin or other animal and they give you a big long speech about how the dolphin couldn’t possibly survive in the wild? It really makes you think that they’re making a difference in that dolphin’s life. They’ll even show you the scars or deformity the dolphin received from being tangled up in a fishing net. Then, for the next fifteen minutes, they’ll make the dolphin jump fifteen feet up into the air and do backflips and shit and tell you all the super-powers that dolphin has. That fucking dolphin is a million time healthier than you are. If it came down to a fight between you and the dolphin, you’d lose the second the bell rang and be knocked clean out of the pool before being led away by security. How in the hell do they come to the conclusion that the captive dolphin wouldn’t know how to survive? They even stress how awesome the dolphin is and how it can tell the difference between a BB pellet and a piece of corn using only echolocation from 200 feet away. That’s a super power. How could it not catch a fish on it’s own? What kind of horseshit is this? Shamu’s killed like two of his trainers, but you’re saying he couldn’t catch himself a meal on the fly? I know you’re trying to make me feel better about a dolphin being imprisoned for the crime of getting caught, but I’m not the one who should be feeling guilty. 90% of Free Willy was people telling the kid Willy didn’t belong in the ocean anymore, but that kid didn’t fall for their shit because that kid gave zero fucks. Why should I? If you ask a marine biologist, they’d probably tell you that kid essentially signed the whale’s death certificate for letting him go, and that you’re a terrible person for liking that movie. That marine biologist is a liar who doesn’t know his own damn job. A whale is still a goddamn whale. Aside from a boat being piloted by drunken sailors, nothing in the ocean is going to fuck with a whale. That Willy would eat that fucking kid if it had the chance. He probably tried to while he was jumping out. It’s not like he’s some retard baby that would die if you left it in the woods. It’s one of nature’s killing machines.