Kid’s Show

Having spawned a new child I am now subjected to the rigors of children’s television once more. All the same shows with the first one are still there, but their apparent flaws are more pronounced.

No less than four shows are about rescuing animals. Diego is the leader of this pack, but at least he’s got the skills to back it up. If you ignore the fact that he’s an unescorted five-year-old staring down caiman and jaguars in the darkest jungles of the Amazon and the lesson this teaches you children about having more balls than brain cells and not to leave nature well enough alone, you’ll see he’s at least capable at his job.

The Wonder Pets are much, much worse. They’re three very unqualified pets who don unnecessary costumes and waste a whole lot of time in the process to save animals in peril. They travel by a sail-boat car they’ve made out of Mechano pieces, and the have to reassemble it every time they have to go out on a job. Again, this wastes valuable time that could be spent saving lives. Imagine if a fireman had to build his fire truck from scratch every time he heard the alarm. When they do get to the scene, they have no clue what the hell they’re doing. How could they? They’re baby animals. Why would you call a duckling, a gerbil, and a turtle for help? That’s worse than praying to a God you don’t believe in, because at least there’s a chance you’re wrong about the God. They even admit they don’t have a fucking clue, and then try several half-assed plans, all while singing songs about how they’re fucking up. In once scene, a bird in peril is clinging from the Statue of Liberty’s crown and it’s about to fall to it’s death. The duckling is flying around and singing. I repeat: the bird is flying around and singing, instead of using it’s flight to rescue the other bird, which should know it’s a bird. Only, none of it matters, because the animals they rescue aren’t even real: they’re just pictures hanging on a wall brought to life momentarily. That means whenever they finish saving the animals, the picture has to reset back to the moment when the animal was just about to die horribly, or otherwise the children that go to the daycare where they live would notice something was amiss.

The same thing happened on another shows 53 and Bird, where one bird gets trapped out on a lily pad and is about to sink and drown, due to poor parental supervision. Seriously, no one was watching her. One of the adult birds was taking a nap, and I don’t think the other one cared. Two of the adult birds and a child come up and try to see if they can reach her. The child bird suggests that he swims out to rescue her, and the adult birds tell him that it’s too dangerous, because water is apparently lava. They take an extraordinarily long time to find a boat and row out to her, all while singing. Of course, they’re all birds, and they can fly. Or swim. You’re either the type of bird that flies, or the type of bird that swims, or you’re dinner. There’s no a lot of playroom in the animal kingdom. I think it was trying to teach kids a lesson, but I have no idea what that lesson was. Basically, if your parents are negligent, you’ll die, kids.

Then there’s the Chinese Dora the Explorer, “Ni Hao, Kai Lan!” which tries to teach your children that the Chinese are taking over, and they must be ready to greet their new masters in their own language. Kai Lan is China’s single remaining female child after the One Child Law. Strangely, the show doesn’t take place in a sweatshop, or at the bottom of a river. Also, it has a koala bear, which is just confusing. I can’t say with 100% certainty that it is a koala: all I know is that it doesn’t belong in China, unless it’s in the #53 meal. One of the shows tried to teach kids that there was nothing wrong with copying someone’s work. The koala bear made a cake, and one of the other animals made the same damn cake. The tiger thought there was going to be a throw-down, but Kai Lan was confused by his reaction. Why would someone get mad if someone else completely rips them off? I was confused by this message too, because this pro-plagiarism stance was the exactly the opposite of what I saw in shows as a kid. I don’t know what He-Man’s thoughts on the subject would be, but I’m sure he’d be against it. So would G.I. Joe and Inspector Gadget. From TV, I knew if two girls show up to a party in the same dress, there’d be a catfight. Also, in school I was told copying someone’s work could get me expelled. From watching the F.B.I. and Interpol warnings on videos, I knew that copying someone else’s work could land me in jail. Kai Lan is from China, though, where they don’t just make bootleg Apple products, they make bootleg Apple stores. Making cheap imitations runs in Chinese blood. Like I said, the show itself is a rip-off of Dora the Explorer. It a message they’re passing along to kids to not be creative, and to just go with it if someone steals all their ideas and take credit. They’re softening up our kids for when they take over North America.

Speaking of drowning girls, there’s the Bubble Guppies. It’s pretty standard fair, but the show really illustrates one of the Hallmarks of Children’s Programming. I heard from one of the producers on Sesame Street was that the biggest challenge was making the characters like Big Bird easy for children to learn along with without making that character seem retarded. Even a child can want to punch a giant yellow bird in the face, and it’s a fine line between saying, “Big Bird, you’re so silly,” and, “What the fuck is wrong with you, you shithead bird? There’s obviously four red blocks!” The Bubble Guppies hasn’t learned this. One of the characters goes into a sports store and asks the clerk for a, “Big blue basketball.” The clerk proceeds to produce about ten items that are neither big, nor blue, nor basketballs. It’s like when you’re trying to explain your order to the drones at Taco Bell and running into problem after problem until you want to jump behind the counter and make it yourself. Eventually the character has the kids watching the show point to the appropriate item on the screen, because she’s too embarrassed for the clerk. She takes the basketball and leaves. Without paying, of course. This teaches our children that there’s a world of stupid, stupid people out there, and the world forces you to deal with them whether you like it or not. Plus, stealing is sometimes easier than paying for an item, not because of the cost of the item, because of the bullshit you have to go through at the cash register. Imagine if there was a line up in this scene. Imagine being the third guy in line. That’s the worst, because you can clearly see what’s going on, and knowing even after that clears up, there’s still another person in front of you, and they’re likely to pay in pennies.