Zombie’s Breakfast

With all the logistical hurdles with zombies, there’s one that no one seems to mention, or explain, and that is: brains. Not why the zombies want brains, but how they go about getting them. Have you ever tried to crack someone’s skull open? I have, and let me tell you: it’s not easy. The skull contains the hardest bones in the body specifically to keep the brains intact. Your average zombie has trouble with any door with a lock on it so their mechanical skills are virtually non-existent. Man first invented tools so he could crack open his neighbour’s skull and feast upon the gooey insides, then he invented fire so he could see better while doing it, then he invented the wheel so he could get there faster.

A zombie’s not going to be able to chew his way through there, either. Have you ever seen a meth head? They’re basically the living embodiment of the living dead. Meth-heads lose their teeth like crazy because of dry mouth, the silent killer. A dried up zombie is going to have the same problem. The second either one bites into your skull, he’s going to lose his teeth like a second grader eating an apple. That’s probably why so many zombies are depicted as being fully intact instead of looking like chewed-up apple cores. Also because the special-effects budget was blown on blow.

So where does this idea of brain-eating zombies come from, besides everywhere? The most popular zombie flicks always show them tearing away at the entrails like a pack of hyenas, and I can’t even think of a single scene where there was a zombie munching on a brain. Even in ridiculous fictional worlds where the reanimated dead can rip a person in half they still have trouble with the ol’ noggin munchin’.

I think most of it comes from real-life cannibal tribes who would dig up their dear departed, then chow down on their brains, because why wouldn’t you? It’s what Grandpa would have wanted. A few weeks later they drop dead from the diseases they just contracted from eating a rotting human brain, and the cycle starts over again. You’d think someone would have caught on by now. I know everyone doesn’t have the same standard of hygiene, (the French), but it’s not that hard to put two-and-two together, unless of course you’re a shambling mess from eating brains.

Then there’s the science aspect of it where if you feed one flatworm’s brains to another, it’ll gain all of it’s knowledge. That’s how Stephen Hawking got so smart: eating flatworms.