Jesus H. Christ

What’s in a name?

I was thinking about middle names and how ridiculous they are. A middle name is supposed to give someone a sense of individuality, seeing as how there’s likely twenty people in the phonebook with the same first and last names as you, assuming that phonebooks still exist. What that means, really, is that we ran out of new names centuries ago and started tagging on extra crap to make up for it. With the world’s rising population, what will happen years from now when there’s too many people with the same first, middle, and last names by sheer coincidence? Will we add a fourth name? It’s already happening now. Try googling your full name, and see how many tens of thousands of results that pop up that aren’t you. Your name is like a password, in a sense. It use to be all you needed for a password were around five characters. Then for security it was decided by many websites to use eight characters. Nowadays you usually need twelve characters, including a number, a capital letter and a non-alphabetical character. Plus, they’re very specific about how you arrange them. None of this makes you any more secure, however, because you’re more likely to forget your password the more random it is, plus any hacker who can find your five letter password won’t have any problem with a twelve. My point is, with seven billion people, no matter how original you think you are, there’s still going to be someone out there with the same name.

My own son has two middle names because of a last-minute decision by my wife. His original middle name was, “Hideo,” after his great-grandfather. Then she tagged on, ”James.” Now his middle initials are H.J., so I’m hoping slang changes in the next five years or so. Even then, the middle name remains much of a mystery. If you work for a big company, you likely only know people by their first, or their last names. The middle name is never mentioned except to closest friends, or if you’re filling out a form. With all the websites out there requiring you to completely fill out your information, you’re likely using your middle name in print more than you’ve ever had in your life. Even then, credit card companies and their like only require a middle-initial. They don’t even care what your middle name is. No one does, really. It’s just a piece of trivia, or something your mother yells at you when she’s angry.

Celebrities and presidents are the only one who really use their middle names or middle initials. We know who Michael J. Fox is, but what the hell does the J. stand for? And was there ever a Michael Fox, or a Mike Fox? Why use it at all? Then there’s Sarah Jessica Parker. She could easily have been Sarah Parker, but the Jessica adds a touch of class somehow. As for presidents, FDR was famous for his alphabet agencies, so it makes sense to honour that by using his initials. Plus, when you have to use his name about a million times when you’re writing about WWII, it helps save ink and time. Then there’s George W. Bush, who’s really George Bush Jr.. Nobody wants a President named, “Junior.,” or, “The Second,” plus it shows how America’s quietly slid back into Monarchy system.