Riverdale Problems

Sometimes, when I’m feeling sad and depressed, I think about someone who has it worse than me: Archie Andrews.

Who has it worse than Archie? Archie doesn’t know which girl he should date, Betty or Veronica, so he has to date both of them. Do you know how hard it is to keep coming up with date ideas each week so you don’t run into the other girl? Imagine taking Betty to the movies, and Veronica’s there with Reggie. How awkward would that be, especially knowing that you have a date set up the next week with Veronica and she might have let Reggie get to first base? It’d be in the back of your mind the whole time you were with her. You’d keep thinking how you neck-in-neck tie choice for a steady girlfriend went out with your second best friend. Then you’d realize that you hate Reggie, because he’s a total douchebag, but he’s still somehow your second best friend in the world next to a compulsive eater and woman-hater. Sure, you’re still friends with Moose and Dexter, and the single black kid in Riverdale, but you don’t hang out with them all the time. Jughead, with his disgusting habits and borderline serial-killer perspective of the opposite sex is basically the opposite of a wingman. Reggie’s practically doing you a favour by trying to fuck your alternate-day girlfriend. At least you know he’s not picking up diseases from anywhere else, because his other love interest is the girlfriend of Moose, and he’s not getting any of that. Any herpes he collects will be passed down from you, to Veronica, to Reggie.

Archie probably has to date two women at a time just to quell the gay rumours. Jughead’s so phobic about women that any dude who associates with him is automatically considered his life-partner. That’s why it’s a surprise that the only black-man in Riverdale turned out to be homosexual in their recent gay-wedding issue. All the controversy that arose over this dull at dishwater gay issue should really have been directed at how Jughead has still not come out of the closet, or at least had an intervention about his compulsive eating habits. Seriously, right-wing hate groups came tried to boycott toy stores selling the gay issue, but binge eating is all right.

And they’re all in a band together too, when they’re not having romantic trysts or solving weird alien mysteries. Archie’s in a garage band with his two best friends, who kinda hate each other, and his two girlfriends, who kinda hate each other. If you don’t know anything about musical groups, they’re a better breeding ground for drama than high school. So he’s in the worst possible situation to be in with the worst possible people to be in it with. He might as well invite Veronica’s dad to join the group too. If you put three people together in Archie’s universe, two of them will hate each other. Everyone hates Reggie, for instance, but everyone hangs out with him. Betty and Veronica are best friends, but they also hate each other. Jughead and Archie are the only two close friends who don’t constantly try to destroy each other.