Turtle Power-Ups

This morning there was a 25th Anniversary special original animated movie for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on TV. Typically, this is the sort of movie that’s released straight-to-DVD, so airing it on Saturday Morning TV is about the most awesome thing ever. Let’s face it: Saturday Morning TV has sucked balls for over 10 years, approximately around the same time that Japanese cartoon began dominating American television. The TMNT special helped illustrate this.
Let me explain why:
The movie is a mash-up of the modern TMNT series and the original TMNT cartoon, complete with frequent high-threes and pizza breaks. The original TMNT cartoon characters go through a trans-dimensional portal and wind up in today’s TMNT universe, where they’re ridiculed by their modern counterparts for being so goofy.
Listen to me, modern Turtles: you shouldn’t make fun on anyone. Why? Because you suck. You fucking suck. You suck so hard. No one wants your toys, because you’re EMO. That’s right: you’re EMO. You’re whiny little fuckers who spend more time feeling bad than fighting ninja robots. You don’t even have proper catchphrases like, “Turtle power!” or, “Cowabunga, dude!”
These fucking EMOTMNT even make fun of the Technodrome. This is the Technodrome:

The Technodrome is fucking bad-ass, and you’re just jealous because you’ve never seen anything so awesome. Also: your Shredder isn’t any more competent than OG TMNT Shredder. In fact, the frequency in which he dies would lend credence to the fact he’s less competent, so shut the fuck up.
Also, don’t make fun of the way O.G. TMNT April O’Neil is dressed, ‘cause her tits are HUGE.

Here’s your April by comparison:

LAME.
Also: When’s the last time you rode around in a blimp? …I thought so.
I’m honestly worried about this generation of kids, because they’ll never understand how eating pizza and slinging nunchucks around recklessly in your parent’s garage with the neighbourhood kids watch in awe really is, and it’s all the EMOTMNT’s fault.
The other awesome thing about this movie is the fact the two Turtle generations meet the original black’n’white comic book Turtles, who behave like actual Ninjas out for revenge.
I would have paid to see this in movie, but it wasn’t likely to ever make it that far. For a series that’s been rebooted as many times as the Turtles, it’s interesting to see how different each incarnation is, but ultimately the same.