This morning before my alarm went off, I was dreaming about being stung repeatedly by a big black scorpion in an abandoned sewer system while chasing after John Stewart and his book-writing guest, as is my wont. It became a lot like an episode of the Deadliest Warrior where someone was doing a play-by-play of how a fight between me and a scorpion would go down. Basically: I got stung a lot, and it hurt, but you would expect it to.
It didn’t teach me much, aside from it’s best to avoid angry scorpions, but it did make me realize one thing.
The morning before, I was dreaming that I was explaining the price of a piece of merchandise to a customer, by indicating the clearly printed label directly above the object in question. They refused to believe me. Our argument went on for quite some time.
Somehow: that dream was WORSE. Yes, a glimpse of my daily life is somehow more frightening than being stung to death by scorpions in a lonely sewer.
Honestly, I’m just not enjoying myself, if I ever was.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Mayonetta
I got into a advanced demo for Bayonetta for the 360, and wasn’t all that impressed. Basically, it’s a God of War style button masher with combos galore. It doesn’t really seem to be that modern, actually. The graphics left a little bit to be desired and the opening sequence looked like something you’d see on the PS One. There was something very 90’s about the whole thing, including the soundtrack. The demo included the Falling Clock Tower sequence from a few of the trailers. Honestly, even after playing it, I have no idea what’s going on. There’s demon-angel dudes, flying cherub heads, and dragon things. All I know is that I have to keep pressing Y and A and they eventually go away. The environments were a little claustrophobic, like you’re almost on rails. There doesn’t seem like there’s much to do besides shoot things with guns in your fetish boots. There was a few signs to read in text pop-ups, and a door you have to hit a certain way to open. The was a CGI sequence of her getting off of a train, which felt unnecessary, and graphic-wise was a little behind the times. I suppose the main attraction to the game Bayonetta is supposed to have sex appeal with attacks that look like something out of a Sailor Moon transformation. The game is rated 17+, but I don’t think it’s really that outrageous in terms of what you see. There’s the same gore you’d see with any fighting game in the past 15 years, and maybe a little side-boob action. If there’s a plot, the demo really didn’t delve into it. Also: there’s this weird loading sequence like in Assassin’s Creed, where you’re in this featureless environment, and there’s a list of combos you’re supposed to pull off to practice.
Personally, there’s something weird looking about Bayonetta, like he body’s out of proportion, and not in the good Hollywood kind of way. It’s like her head’s too tiny and her neck’s too long, much like my penis…
All in all, I’m sure some Japanese kid is jacking off to it already, and by “kid” I mean 47 year-old.
Personally, there’s something weird looking about Bayonetta, like he body’s out of proportion, and not in the good Hollywood kind of way. It’s like her head’s too tiny and her neck’s too long, much like my penis…
All in all, I’m sure some Japanese kid is jacking off to it already, and by “kid” I mean 47 year-old.
A Year Behind the Times
I just finished every quest in Fallout 3, after having bought the special Game of the Year Edition a month or so ago. This edition included every add-on that was released over the past year, which considering that buying these expansion separately would have set me back about $50 extra, it was rather fortunate that I waited.
With regards to the expansions, not every one was worth it. Each expansion has it’s own locations, equipment, characters and quests. Broken Steel expanded on the original story, which would otherwise have fallen flat. The original game ends with the reactivation of a water purifying plant. There is still the matter of an evil army of Enclave soldiers on the loose, which Broken Steel addresses with space lasers. Other expansions like Lookout Point prove more challenging with the enemies you face, but are somewhat anti-climactic. It didn’t have the same sort of good vs. evil moral conflicts like The Pitt, where one has to choose whether or not to abduct a baby. Operation Anchorage and Mothership Zeta are both valuable for their fun factors, but Mothership Zeta has the bonus of giving you a large supply of deadly alien weapons to use against your enemies.
I just wanted to talk about some of the weird glitches I encountered while playing. The original release was beleaguered by numerous bugs, some of which caused the game to crash. The Game of the Year edition doesn’t include and special programming to resolve these bugs, so it’s still glitchy at some points. I was forced at one point to resume an old save when my auto-save made my game freeze upon loading after exiting a door. The game would load, then freeze immediately. That wasn’t fun.
Other weird shit included Deathclaws, one of the most dangerous enemies in the game. I would chance encounter groups of Deathclaws attacking Raiders out in the Wastelands, and would wait for them to finish with their prey. Only: the Deathclaws would suddenly jump horizontally to the very height of the game’s invisible sky canopy, where they would vanish. Air Jordan couldn’t jump higher.
Once, while walking through an abandoned subway tunnel, I saw some scrap pieces which have previously been lying around assembled into a somewhat human form with a doll’s head on top. I don’t know if this was a random thing, or part of some poltergeist activity which the game sometimes displays, but it was messed up. Touching the display sent pieces scattering everywhere.
I lost my dog once. I made the mistake of sending him to look for a weapon near the quest start point for Mothership Zeta. He bounded off towards a crashed U.F.O., where he would wait for me. As I approached him, I was sucked aboard the Mothership, and the game informed me that my dog was waiting for me back at Vault 101. When I returned, he wasn’t there. I spent ages looking for him, to no avail. Then, while tying up some loose ends in the game, I happened to find him outside the Whitehouse, attacking mercenaries, as if I had mistakenly left him there to defend for himself. I told him to follow, but he didn’t obey, so I had to return and go through a few more lines of dialogue before he’d come with me.
Another time I sent Fawkes on his way to try another Follower, and I was informed he’d be waiting for me in the History Museum, only he wasn’t there. Ages passed, and eventually I found him stuck outside a door in the Citadel. Meanwhile, I was informed that I would not be allowed to take another Follower until I got rid of the one I had. Only, I didn’t have a follower.
I was unable to complete one Achievement for the game on Xbox despite finishing the quest, apparently because I hadn’t listened to the correct Holotape at the right time before talking to the right character. To unlock it now, I’d have to go back through half the game. Similarly, I can’t finish my Bobblehead collection because I blew up Raven Rock. I was three Bobbleheads away from finishing before I realized that goodie.
Just today, as I did a Necronomicon style quest in Point Lookout, I was unable to go with the Good Karma option for completing the quest because the one character vanished. From what I read online, it’s because I exited through a kitchen door.
This wasn’t necessarily a glitch, but at one point I had a quest in Broken Steel to go through an old underground railway under the White House. There was a part where ghouls and robots were attacking each other. Depending on how I went through that scenario, both or one of the factions was supposed to be hostile to me, and the portion would end with me looting a robot who was supposed to have died in the conflict. Only, because of certain items I had, no one bothered to even look at me. So I tried waiting and waiting for the ghouls to kill the one robot so I could nab a fuse off of him, but it never happened. So I had to cap him myself and steal it.
The Ghoul Mask in the game was originally supposed to make me immune to ghoul hostility by wearing it, but after a time it broke. Afterwards, I realized that ghouls still ignored me, even if I wasn’t wearing it.
With regards to the expansions, not every one was worth it. Each expansion has it’s own locations, equipment, characters and quests. Broken Steel expanded on the original story, which would otherwise have fallen flat. The original game ends with the reactivation of a water purifying plant. There is still the matter of an evil army of Enclave soldiers on the loose, which Broken Steel addresses with space lasers. Other expansions like Lookout Point prove more challenging with the enemies you face, but are somewhat anti-climactic. It didn’t have the same sort of good vs. evil moral conflicts like The Pitt, where one has to choose whether or not to abduct a baby. Operation Anchorage and Mothership Zeta are both valuable for their fun factors, but Mothership Zeta has the bonus of giving you a large supply of deadly alien weapons to use against your enemies.
I just wanted to talk about some of the weird glitches I encountered while playing. The original release was beleaguered by numerous bugs, some of which caused the game to crash. The Game of the Year edition doesn’t include and special programming to resolve these bugs, so it’s still glitchy at some points. I was forced at one point to resume an old save when my auto-save made my game freeze upon loading after exiting a door. The game would load, then freeze immediately. That wasn’t fun.
Other weird shit included Deathclaws, one of the most dangerous enemies in the game. I would chance encounter groups of Deathclaws attacking Raiders out in the Wastelands, and would wait for them to finish with their prey. Only: the Deathclaws would suddenly jump horizontally to the very height of the game’s invisible sky canopy, where they would vanish. Air Jordan couldn’t jump higher.
Once, while walking through an abandoned subway tunnel, I saw some scrap pieces which have previously been lying around assembled into a somewhat human form with a doll’s head on top. I don’t know if this was a random thing, or part of some poltergeist activity which the game sometimes displays, but it was messed up. Touching the display sent pieces scattering everywhere.
I lost my dog once. I made the mistake of sending him to look for a weapon near the quest start point for Mothership Zeta. He bounded off towards a crashed U.F.O., where he would wait for me. As I approached him, I was sucked aboard the Mothership, and the game informed me that my dog was waiting for me back at Vault 101. When I returned, he wasn’t there. I spent ages looking for him, to no avail. Then, while tying up some loose ends in the game, I happened to find him outside the Whitehouse, attacking mercenaries, as if I had mistakenly left him there to defend for himself. I told him to follow, but he didn’t obey, so I had to return and go through a few more lines of dialogue before he’d come with me.
Another time I sent Fawkes on his way to try another Follower, and I was informed he’d be waiting for me in the History Museum, only he wasn’t there. Ages passed, and eventually I found him stuck outside a door in the Citadel. Meanwhile, I was informed that I would not be allowed to take another Follower until I got rid of the one I had. Only, I didn’t have a follower.
I was unable to complete one Achievement for the game on Xbox despite finishing the quest, apparently because I hadn’t listened to the correct Holotape at the right time before talking to the right character. To unlock it now, I’d have to go back through half the game. Similarly, I can’t finish my Bobblehead collection because I blew up Raven Rock. I was three Bobbleheads away from finishing before I realized that goodie.
Just today, as I did a Necronomicon style quest in Point Lookout, I was unable to go with the Good Karma option for completing the quest because the one character vanished. From what I read online, it’s because I exited through a kitchen door.
This wasn’t necessarily a glitch, but at one point I had a quest in Broken Steel to go through an old underground railway under the White House. There was a part where ghouls and robots were attacking each other. Depending on how I went through that scenario, both or one of the factions was supposed to be hostile to me, and the portion would end with me looting a robot who was supposed to have died in the conflict. Only, because of certain items I had, no one bothered to even look at me. So I tried waiting and waiting for the ghouls to kill the one robot so I could nab a fuse off of him, but it never happened. So I had to cap him myself and steal it.
The Ghoul Mask in the game was originally supposed to make me immune to ghoul hostility by wearing it, but after a time it broke. Afterwards, I realized that ghouls still ignored me, even if I wasn’t wearing it.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Turtle Power-Ups
This morning there was a 25th Anniversary special original animated movie for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on TV. Typically, this is the sort of movie that’s released straight-to-DVD, so airing it on Saturday Morning TV is about the most awesome thing ever. Let’s face it: Saturday Morning TV has sucked balls for over 10 years, approximately around the same time that Japanese cartoon began dominating American television. The TMNT special helped illustrate this.
Let me explain why:
The movie is a mash-up of the modern TMNT series and the original TMNT cartoon, complete with frequent high-threes and pizza breaks. The original TMNT cartoon characters go through a trans-dimensional portal and wind up in today’s TMNT universe, where they’re ridiculed by their modern counterparts for being so goofy.
Listen to me, modern Turtles: you shouldn’t make fun on anyone. Why? Because you suck. You fucking suck. You suck so hard. No one wants your toys, because you’re EMO. That’s right: you’re EMO. You’re whiny little fuckers who spend more time feeling bad than fighting ninja robots. You don’t even have proper catchphrases like, “Turtle power!” or, “Cowabunga, dude!”
These fucking EMOTMNT even make fun of the Technodrome. This is the Technodrome:
The Technodrome is fucking bad-ass, and you’re just jealous because you’ve never seen anything so awesome. Also: your Shredder isn’t any more competent than OG TMNT Shredder. In fact, the frequency in which he dies would lend credence to the fact he’s less competent, so shut the fuck up.
Also, don’t make fun of the way O.G. TMNT April O’Neil is dressed, ‘cause her tits are HUGE.
Here’s your April by comparison:
LAME.
Also: When’s the last time you rode around in a blimp? …I thought so.
I’m honestly worried about this generation of kids, because they’ll never understand how eating pizza and slinging nunchucks around recklessly in your parent’s garage with the neighbourhood kids watch in awe really is, and it’s all the EMOTMNT’s fault.
The other awesome thing about this movie is the fact the two Turtle generations meet the original black’n’white comic book Turtles, who behave like actual Ninjas out for revenge.
I would have paid to see this in movie, but it wasn’t likely to ever make it that far. For a series that’s been rebooted as many times as the Turtles, it’s interesting to see how different each incarnation is, but ultimately the same.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Society to End Comic Book Adaptations
With the news that Youngblood, possibly one of the most forgettable super hero teams ever assembled, (I won't demean myself by inserting a hyperlink. You can search for it yourself if you wish, but be warned.) is receiving it's own movie adaptation, I must pose the question: "When will it all end?"
How many comic book adaptations have already been created? How many have butchered the original material?
Today, I was thinking about the question why so many comic books are altered so dramatically for their feature film presentation, and thought that I had developed a formula proving that the fewer existing issues there are of a comic, the more true to the source material it will be. I would have cited, "V for Vendetta," which despite numerous changes and additions was still fairly true of the original. It would have been chosen due to the fact that it was taken from a relatively small collection of comics, but then I thought about the recent movie, "Wanted," which was also taken from a short series, but in no way resembled the original after about the first fifteen minutes of the movie. If you had gone into, "Wanted" after reading the comic, you would have said to yourself, "What the fuck, was that the movie?" The comic book was basically a knock-off of DC comics with parallels to many of their existing villains, who have secretly taken over the world and were in the midst of an internal war. The movie was about seeing 1/8" of Angelina Jolie's buttcrack. "V for Vendetta," on the other hand, allowed you to view the movie and say to yourself, "Oh, I remember that," and then a few scenes later, ask, "Where's the part about the dolls in the ovens?"
"Sin City," is the closest adaptation to date for a comic-turned-movie. You can take the graphic novel and follow along page-for-page as it progresses. "300" is a close second. "The Spirt," however, Frank Miller's third attempt at a "movie," breaks with this tradition and instead decides to follow nonsensical moodily-lit scenes of femme-fatales and Sammuel L. Jackson as a villain who's traditionally not supposed to show his face. "The Spirit" is one of those movies trying to cash in on a super hero's name while shitting on the original material. At that point, you have to ask, "Why make a movie about this character, when you can just create your own?" Ever try to make your own super hero? It's easy. They have video games where you can do just that. Why bastardize someone else's work, when there isn't a kid alive who knows who the fuck the Spirit is.
Do you think any kid is going to camped out for two days in line to see "Youngblood: The Movie," like they did with "Spider-Man?"
And what about Spider-Man? Three movies that moved progressively further away from the source material, even after separating themselves. Sure, there's over five hundred Spider-Man comics in existence, with issues from multiple series released each month dating back to 1963, so you have to update the character to a certain extent and condense it down into 2+ hours, but when you're countermanding material that was established in a movie release less than six years ago, with "Spider-Man 3" changing the story of how Uncle Ben died to include some B.S. about it being the Sandman, you're taking things too far.
Cannon is being erased with the concept of, "reset," the point at which whoever's in charge decides to throw away whatever they had and start fresh. Batman's been reset twice now in the movies, and the Hulk was the most recent.
How many comic book adaptations have already been created? How many have butchered the original material?
Today, I was thinking about the question why so many comic books are altered so dramatically for their feature film presentation, and thought that I had developed a formula proving that the fewer existing issues there are of a comic, the more true to the source material it will be. I would have cited, "V for Vendetta," which despite numerous changes and additions was still fairly true of the original. It would have been chosen due to the fact that it was taken from a relatively small collection of comics, but then I thought about the recent movie, "Wanted," which was also taken from a short series, but in no way resembled the original after about the first fifteen minutes of the movie. If you had gone into, "Wanted" after reading the comic, you would have said to yourself, "What the fuck, was that the movie?" The comic book was basically a knock-off of DC comics with parallels to many of their existing villains, who have secretly taken over the world and were in the midst of an internal war. The movie was about seeing 1/8" of Angelina Jolie's buttcrack. "V for Vendetta," on the other hand, allowed you to view the movie and say to yourself, "Oh, I remember that," and then a few scenes later, ask, "Where's the part about the dolls in the ovens?"
"Sin City," is the closest adaptation to date for a comic-turned-movie. You can take the graphic novel and follow along page-for-page as it progresses. "300" is a close second. "The Spirt," however, Frank Miller's third attempt at a "movie," breaks with this tradition and instead decides to follow nonsensical moodily-lit scenes of femme-fatales and Sammuel L. Jackson as a villain who's traditionally not supposed to show his face. "The Spirit" is one of those movies trying to cash in on a super hero's name while shitting on the original material. At that point, you have to ask, "Why make a movie about this character, when you can just create your own?" Ever try to make your own super hero? It's easy. They have video games where you can do just that. Why bastardize someone else's work, when there isn't a kid alive who knows who the fuck the Spirit is.
Do you think any kid is going to camped out for two days in line to see "Youngblood: The Movie," like they did with "Spider-Man?"
And what about Spider-Man? Three movies that moved progressively further away from the source material, even after separating themselves. Sure, there's over five hundred Spider-Man comics in existence, with issues from multiple series released each month dating back to 1963, so you have to update the character to a certain extent and condense it down into 2+ hours, but when you're countermanding material that was established in a movie release less than six years ago, with "Spider-Man 3" changing the story of how Uncle Ben died to include some B.S. about it being the Sandman, you're taking things too far.
Cannon is being erased with the concept of, "reset," the point at which whoever's in charge decides to throw away whatever they had and start fresh. Batman's been reset twice now in the movies, and the Hulk was the most recent.
Game Night
For some reason, the connection speed on my 360 is terrible tonight, which means I can’t play the new maps I just downloaded for Call of Duty: World at War. It’s basically the ideal time to play: everyone is on equal footing as they learn how to exploit the new terrain and there’s double exp. points to be earned. I just traded in all my previous exp. and weapon upgrades in order to earn Prestige Level 1. According to a Achievement pop-up, if I level up to 65 nine more times, I can unlock game points. That’s not happening in this life, or the next. I was pretty choked giving in my favourite weapons and going back to basics just so I could have my ass kicked for another 35 levels until the good stuff makes itself available.
I also downloaded the Hasbro Games Night after seeing that it was, “free.” I was hoping for Xbox to finally throw me a bone and give me the equivalent of a browser game for free, but instead I was treated to four “trial games,” such as Yatzee, Battleship, Scrabble, and Connect Four. The complexities of keeping your ship placement a secret from your local Player 2, etc. in Battleship is solved by a screen popping up to tell you to look away. There’s also about fifty pop-up screens explaining the extremely basic controls, such as pushing the left button will move your cursor to the left. Each game only gives you a few minutes of play. They games themselves cost 800 points apiece, which is the equivalent of $10.00. Meaning: It costs $40 to buy all four of the available games, plus there’s three more games yet to be made available, but will likely cost the same, meaning it costs $70 to buy all the games being displayed at the moment. You could nearly buy all the real board games for that amount.
Sadly: I have Scrabble in a box across the room, but instead I’m playing it on my 360.
I purchased Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon for my DS, and it’s kicking my ass on Normal. It’s a turn-based strategy RPG. The problem with the game is that death is death in the game, meaning the characters you lose in battle are gone. These characters also have a place in the story: so if you have a certain character, you might engage an enemy of the battlefield and convince them to join you instead of fighting. Don’t have that character? Then you can’t get the new character. It also forces you to kill some of your characters at certain points. So you obsess over keeping every one of your characters as safe as possible for the whole match, forcing you to reset when you misstep.
I also downloaded the Hasbro Games Night after seeing that it was, “free.” I was hoping for Xbox to finally throw me a bone and give me the equivalent of a browser game for free, but instead I was treated to four “trial games,” such as Yatzee, Battleship, Scrabble, and Connect Four. The complexities of keeping your ship placement a secret from your local Player 2, etc. in Battleship is solved by a screen popping up to tell you to look away. There’s also about fifty pop-up screens explaining the extremely basic controls, such as pushing the left button will move your cursor to the left. Each game only gives you a few minutes of play. They games themselves cost 800 points apiece, which is the equivalent of $10.00. Meaning: It costs $40 to buy all four of the available games, plus there’s three more games yet to be made available, but will likely cost the same, meaning it costs $70 to buy all the games being displayed at the moment. You could nearly buy all the real board games for that amount.
Sadly: I have Scrabble in a box across the room, but instead I’m playing it on my 360.
I purchased Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon for my DS, and it’s kicking my ass on Normal. It’s a turn-based strategy RPG. The problem with the game is that death is death in the game, meaning the characters you lose in battle are gone. These characters also have a place in the story: so if you have a certain character, you might engage an enemy of the battlefield and convince them to join you instead of fighting. Don’t have that character? Then you can’t get the new character. It also forces you to kill some of your characters at certain points. So you obsess over keeping every one of your characters as safe as possible for the whole match, forcing you to reset when you misstep.
“UP…” Your Butt
I was forced to sit through a trailer for Pixar’s new computer animated movie, “UP,” while waiting for “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” to begin. Before they showed footage from the new movie, they went through a montage of every Pixar film ever made, which only served to remind me how Disney has basically given up on making “Disney” movies, which is to say “animated,” as opposed to “computer animated.”
Disney films were formulaic, but Pixar films stretch the limits. I’ve never understood how they’re perceived as “heart warming.” “Cars” was about a car wanting to win a race, but he’s basically abducted by hillbillies who force him into slave labour and somehow they all end up friends and he learns a lesson about judgemental small-town hicks dragging everyone down to their level. The movie is basically “Deliverance,” without male-rape, and with talking car stereotypes.
“Up,” from what I gathered, is about an old coot traveling South via balloon house to retire, and he’s got some Boy Scout with him. Expect the issue of an old man abducting a young boy being passed over. …Now that I think about it: a lot of Pixar films are about abduction or missing children. “Finding Nemo” comes to mind.
Far too many people in the theatre were laughing uproariously, which explains how movies like this get made.
Disney films were formulaic, but Pixar films stretch the limits. I’ve never understood how they’re perceived as “heart warming.” “Cars” was about a car wanting to win a race, but he’s basically abducted by hillbillies who force him into slave labour and somehow they all end up friends and he learns a lesson about judgemental small-town hicks dragging everyone down to their level. The movie is basically “Deliverance,” without male-rape, and with talking car stereotypes.
“Up,” from what I gathered, is about an old coot traveling South via balloon house to retire, and he’s got some Boy Scout with him. Expect the issue of an old man abducting a young boy being passed over. …Now that I think about it: a lot of Pixar films are about abduction or missing children. “Finding Nemo” comes to mind.
Far too many people in the theatre were laughing uproariously, which explains how movies like this get made.
Crime Time
I live in a lax society, which is specifically that of British Columbia. Liberalism is taken quite literally, meaning that if a person wants to do something, it’s deemed generally okay for aforementioned person to do so. This attitude is extended to drug use and marijuana. The problem is seen as so big that it’s no longer viewed as a problem, but a way of life. Marijuana is our number one export, after all, although you would not find it listed in any geography textbook. As so many people are so involved with marijuana, there are constant attempts by grassroots groups of individuals trying to legalize it. The idea is that so many people are guilty of a crime that it should not be called a crime. This is a view that thankfully only applies to prohibition, or else it would lead to very dangerous territory, and the breakdown of society itself.
Yet, the drug trade in B.C. has lead to a gang wars between local groups that have left many dead. In this permissive climate, the general opinion that greets the news of these deaths is, “Good, they had it coming.” People are waiting for the problem to sort itself out: meaning one group should wipe out the other. People are even pining for the days when the Hells Angels had a stranglehold on the province.
This is a province that doesn’t believe in the death penalty. Robert Pickton, convicted of second degree murder of six women and suspected in the deaths of fifty others will spend the rest of his life in prison, but two high school kids selling drugs to classmates are dead here in my hometown. People secretly want capital punishment, but they want it doled out on the street level so they can feel blameless. It’s not vigilante justice either, it’s criminals doing injustice upon each other. They’re leaving the bad guys to take care of the bad guys. Innocent people are getting hurt in the meantime, but the media’s spinning things to make it seem as if everyone’s involved. The wife of a drug dealer has become just as bad as the drug dealer himself.
Yet, the drug trade in B.C. has lead to a gang wars between local groups that have left many dead. In this permissive climate, the general opinion that greets the news of these deaths is, “Good, they had it coming.” People are waiting for the problem to sort itself out: meaning one group should wipe out the other. People are even pining for the days when the Hells Angels had a stranglehold on the province.
This is a province that doesn’t believe in the death penalty. Robert Pickton, convicted of second degree murder of six women and suspected in the deaths of fifty others will spend the rest of his life in prison, but two high school kids selling drugs to classmates are dead here in my hometown. People secretly want capital punishment, but they want it doled out on the street level so they can feel blameless. It’s not vigilante justice either, it’s criminals doing injustice upon each other. They’re leaving the bad guys to take care of the bad guys. Innocent people are getting hurt in the meantime, but the media’s spinning things to make it seem as if everyone’s involved. The wife of a drug dealer has become just as bad as the drug dealer himself.
Today I am a Wolverine!
I just finished playing the X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Uncaged Edition video game, which is probably one of the most faithful movie based video games. People were probably angry about how much the movie deviated from the comic books, but I doubt they’d be able to argue that the game, which uses actual dialogue and scenes from the movie, is a painful detraction. In fact, it’s better. The game makes the final climactic scene with Wolverine fighting Deadpool on top of a nuclear cooling tower cool. The game is soaked with blood, which the movie lacked. While in the movie you have to watch Deadpool pull his squeaky-clean swords out of freshly killed corpse, in the game, Wolverine delights in impaling people on tree branches.
Despite this, the game has some points that, if you over-think them, make no logistical sense. Such as: Wolverine’s claws are adamantium, and can cut through everything, but after he leans on a downed enemy combatant’s chest, and repeatedly stabs him in the face, the dude can still get up. The dude just got stabbed in the brain eighteen times and he can still get up.
I pity the goons in the game. These are guys who proclaim, “Give up, there’s no chance of escape,” as they stand against the edge of a bottomless pit you can hurl them down with the smallest shove. Wolverine has the clear advantage: he has an indestructible skeleton and he can heal from any wound, plus he has claws that can cut through steel. That = Win.
For instance, he can survive falling like a bullet from fifty miles up with enough force to create a crater, but for some reason, if he fall two storeys into some bushes, it’s game over. There’s an actual scene where Wolverine climbs to the top of a giant tower, then blows it up. He’s hurtled about half-a-mile, and gets up afterwards. BUT: if you slip off of the tower while climbing it, you’re dead.
Also: his costume grows back. No explanation: but it grows back.
Despite this, the game has some points that, if you over-think them, make no logistical sense. Such as: Wolverine’s claws are adamantium, and can cut through everything, but after he leans on a downed enemy combatant’s chest, and repeatedly stabs him in the face, the dude can still get up. The dude just got stabbed in the brain eighteen times and he can still get up.
I pity the goons in the game. These are guys who proclaim, “Give up, there’s no chance of escape,” as they stand against the edge of a bottomless pit you can hurl them down with the smallest shove. Wolverine has the clear advantage: he has an indestructible skeleton and he can heal from any wound, plus he has claws that can cut through steel. That = Win.
For instance, he can survive falling like a bullet from fifty miles up with enough force to create a crater, but for some reason, if he fall two storeys into some bushes, it’s game over. There’s an actual scene where Wolverine climbs to the top of a giant tower, then blows it up. He’s hurtled about half-a-mile, and gets up afterwards. BUT: if you slip off of the tower while climbing it, you’re dead.
Also: his costume grows back. No explanation: but it grows back.
Over-Thinking Video Games
Super Mario Bros.:
Q: How do goombas survive in the wild when a 1/4 of the Mushroom Kingdom’s surface is made up of pits they’re incapable of avoiding? What purpose do any of the floating blocks serve? Obviously, someone made them. It’s as if they were trying to build a house from the roof downwards, only that roof is made of bricks. And why did they put magic mushrooms inside of steel boxes with question marks on them? Why not properly label the boxes? How is a mushroom with no muscular system able to slide across the landscape.
Q: How do goombas survive in the wild when a 1/4 of the Mushroom Kingdom’s surface is made up of pits they’re incapable of avoiding? What purpose do any of the floating blocks serve? Obviously, someone made them. It’s as if they were trying to build a house from the roof downwards, only that roof is made of bricks. And why did they put magic mushrooms inside of steel boxes with question marks on them? Why not properly label the boxes? How is a mushroom with no muscular system able to slide across the landscape.
District 69
Had the opportunity to see District 9 tonight, and this movie is as chock-full of metaphor Moby Dick. The persecution of the aliens by humans has obvious colorations with a lot of events taking place in the world today. Setting the movie in “Jo’burg” helps make those parallels more obvious. A population, once (and perhaps still) the victims of white persecutions have turned around directed their hatred at the aliens. They call them “prawns,” because of their appearance. Instead of coming to their defence, the people who are charged with caring for these people agree with the name. The prawns are kept in dirty hovels of their own making, and are subject to constant search and seizures. Like most minorities, they’re blamed for numerous social ills.
The movie takes place 20 years after their arrival, and they’re about to be herded from their refugee camp into a concentration camp, where their fate is left to the imagination. The MNU, a weapons manufacturer with dubious intent, is going into their restricted district canvasing door to door to force them to sign eviction notices. This part of the movie is shot in a documentary style. It’s raw, like the film that ends up on the cutting room floor. The protagonist often shoves the camera out of his face, demanding that they cut that certain scene. It’s doubly impressive when you see the aliens presented in this style. Oddly, the intentional slip-shod footage only helps to make them more realistic looking. They are impressive looking, to be certain, like things of flesh and blood instead of latex, or CGI.
The movie takes place 20 years after their arrival, and they’re about to be herded from their refugee camp into a concentration camp, where their fate is left to the imagination. The MNU, a weapons manufacturer with dubious intent, is going into their restricted district canvasing door to door to force them to sign eviction notices. This part of the movie is shot in a documentary style. It’s raw, like the film that ends up on the cutting room floor. The protagonist often shoves the camera out of his face, demanding that they cut that certain scene. It’s doubly impressive when you see the aliens presented in this style. Oddly, the intentional slip-shod footage only helps to make them more realistic looking. They are impressive looking, to be certain, like things of flesh and blood instead of latex, or CGI.
Blarkest Night
As an avid comic reader, I’ve been waiting for the Green Lantern “Darknest Night” saga to begin for years. Now that it has, I’m a little disappointed. On the outset, the series sounds like Marvel Zombies, where super heroes turn into cannibalistic zombies. Instead of a plague, however, this change is being brought about by power rings from the black of space. They’re resurrecting the dead into soulless beings who need to eat hearts to power themselves. The series is hyped by it’s cast of favourites dug up from some of DC’s most enduring past characters like Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, Batman and Superman of Earth 2. Only, some of these characters haven’t been absent for more than a few months. Less frequent readers might even be surprised to know they’d even been killed off. To further complicate matters, as evil creatures, these characters are almost completely devoid of any personality. They ramble off lines
Dope on a Rope in Hope
Ryan Jenkins recently hung himself in the Thunderbird Motel in Hope, B.C., and many people may be wondering how a man could come to such an end. Let me explain: Hope, B.C. is hell. An actual, factual hell. Not in the physical sense, of course, but psychologically, yes. Topographically, Hope isn’t so unpleasant. It’s a picturesque holiday-land of mountains, trees and lakes. When people think of B.C., they’re likely thinking of place just like Hope.
In terms of population, the people of Hope are considered hillbillies. Not just any hillbillies, the kind from Deliverance, who will butt-rape you. Here’s how the Fraser Valley heirarcy goes: First there’s Surrey. Everyone in Surrey is considered a gang-banger, who will stab you, and sell your belongings for crack, and crack-like substances. Then, there’s Langley. No one has any strong opinions of Langley. It leaves that much of an impression. It’s merely okay. Then, there’s Abbotsford. Abbotsford has the highest murder rate in Canada, but people think mostly about how many Mennonites and “brown people” (I’m quoting) there are. Then there’s Chilliwack. If people weren’t thinking red-neck by now, then they are now. The cow population has gone up. So has the “red people” (I’m quoting). “City-folk” from Vancouver are already frightened by the time the reach here, where there’s things like trees and mountains, and short-ass buildings. By the time they’ve reached Hope, they’re scared shitless. Their doors are locked and their windows are rolled up, and they’re driving fast without making eye-contact.
Hope’s sole claim to fame is that it’s the place they filmed Rambo. They still have Rambo tours and sell Rambo shakes. It’s Rambo Mecha. That’s a scary concept.
Another weird fact? Spider-Man’s been to Hope. Yes, there' was a Spider-Man story written and sketched by Todd McFarlane before he quit Marvel Comics and created Image Comics. It was a story about Peter Parker and Wolverine tracking down Wendigo, only to find out the murders he had been pinned with were the work of a serial killer.Yes, Hope is the scene for psychopathic killing spree.
Why does Hope induce this sense of bloodshed and rampant murder? Could it be the old volunteer fuddy-duddies sitting at the side of the road with their radar tracking your speed? This is a hobby in
In terms of population, the people of Hope are considered hillbillies. Not just any hillbillies, the kind from Deliverance, who will butt-rape you. Here’s how the Fraser Valley heirarcy goes: First there’s Surrey. Everyone in Surrey is considered a gang-banger, who will stab you, and sell your belongings for crack, and crack-like substances. Then, there’s Langley. No one has any strong opinions of Langley. It leaves that much of an impression. It’s merely okay. Then, there’s Abbotsford. Abbotsford has the highest murder rate in Canada, but people think mostly about how many Mennonites and “brown people” (I’m quoting) there are. Then there’s Chilliwack. If people weren’t thinking red-neck by now, then they are now. The cow population has gone up. So has the “red people” (I’m quoting). “City-folk” from Vancouver are already frightened by the time the reach here, where there’s things like trees and mountains, and short-ass buildings. By the time they’ve reached Hope, they’re scared shitless. Their doors are locked and their windows are rolled up, and they’re driving fast without making eye-contact.
Hope’s sole claim to fame is that it’s the place they filmed Rambo. They still have Rambo tours and sell Rambo shakes. It’s Rambo Mecha. That’s a scary concept.
Another weird fact? Spider-Man’s been to Hope. Yes, there' was a Spider-Man story written and sketched by Todd McFarlane before he quit Marvel Comics and created Image Comics. It was a story about Peter Parker and Wolverine tracking down Wendigo, only to find out the murders he had been pinned with were the work of a serial killer.Yes, Hope is the scene for psychopathic killing spree.
Why does Hope induce this sense of bloodshed and rampant murder? Could it be the old volunteer fuddy-duddies sitting at the side of the road with their radar tracking your speed? This is a hobby in
Rethinking the Serial Killer
I was thinking today about the average serial killer, and how boring he actually is. Reality far outweighs the image shown in high-octane big screen thrillers featuring indomitable geniuses. There’s always the sense of mystery involving any murder, but the suspects invariably turn out to be your Average Joe who just happens to like killing hookers. The media and academic attention these individuals garner also make serial killers the most predictable people on the planet. Think of all the colleges and universities offering Criminology classes. Think of all those students studying serial killers just for the fascination of it all. Think of all the books, movies, and other paraphanealia involving these people. Serial killers can all be catagorized within moments of their first crime by trained professionals. With enough evidence, you can predict when, where, how, who and why they’re going to strike. You know their methods because serial killers are methodical. The only thing really protecting them is the remoteness, or the density of the population they’re working in. They keep finding victims because there are victims to be found. Kill one hooker and there’ll always be another.
One of the great myths is that all these killers are inherent geniuses. It doesn’t take a genius to get a hooker in a car and drive her some place out of the way. That’s what hookers get paid for. Look at Robert Pickton, and how many he was able to do away with, and he’s borderline retarded.
One of the great myths is that all these killers are inherent geniuses. It doesn’t take a genius to get a hooker in a car and drive her some place out of the way. That’s what hookers get paid for. Look at Robert Pickton, and how many he was able to do away with, and he’s borderline retarded.
It’ll Be 9/11 x 8 Years
The next week will be filled with stock footage of the attacks on the World Trade Centre, because it was the most important event in history ever. Disregard everything that’s happened after and the mistakes made and remember that we’re all victims of the same tragedy, even though we were in no way connected to the events in any meaningful, or even imaginary way. If you know a guy who knows a guy who almost got on a plane that day, then you’re the greatest hero ever.
If anything, I think that 9/11 proved that seeing a giant skyscraper collapse makes for really good propaganda/TV. It’s all well and good to say that x number of people died in y disaster, but these days you need to sex things up a little. No one really cares if 10,000 people died in a tsunami if there’s no HD pictures of people running from a giant tidal wave. If you can’t put it on a movie poster, it’s not saleable.
9/11 will be likely be remembered 100 years from now like the sinking of the Lusitania. Remember the Lusitania? Neither do I, and I just mentioned it. 100 years from now we’ll have space leeches to contend with, so there won’t be much time for remembering. The two events will remain similar in history as they mark the beginning of war.
What’s today’s score in the war on terror? U.S.A.: 0/Terrorists: 0. It’s a war that can’t be won, because it has no endgame. The U.S.A. could turn the Middle East in a parking lot, but the next day some nut job with an accent could set off a cherry bomb in a mailbox, and it would start all over again. Here’s a fun fact: in two more years, the war on terror will have lasted longer than WWI and WWII combined. What does that mean? Are we getting worse at fighting wars? The Cold War/Vietnam would indicate that: yes, we are.
If anything, I think that 9/11 proved that seeing a giant skyscraper collapse makes for really good propaganda/TV. It’s all well and good to say that x number of people died in y disaster, but these days you need to sex things up a little. No one really cares if 10,000 people died in a tsunami if there’s no HD pictures of people running from a giant tidal wave. If you can’t put it on a movie poster, it’s not saleable.
9/11 will be likely be remembered 100 years from now like the sinking of the Lusitania. Remember the Lusitania? Neither do I, and I just mentioned it. 100 years from now we’ll have space leeches to contend with, so there won’t be much time for remembering. The two events will remain similar in history as they mark the beginning of war.
What’s today’s score in the war on terror? U.S.A.: 0/Terrorists: 0. It’s a war that can’t be won, because it has no endgame. The U.S.A. could turn the Middle East in a parking lot, but the next day some nut job with an accent could set off a cherry bomb in a mailbox, and it would start all over again. Here’s a fun fact: in two more years, the war on terror will have lasted longer than WWI and WWII combined. What does that mean? Are we getting worse at fighting wars? The Cold War/Vietnam would indicate that: yes, we are.
Things That Piss Me Off
Handicapped parking spots:
Handicapped spots are largely illogical, unless of course they’re oversized. Some handicapped drivers need extra space to disembark their wheelchairs. I can deal with that, but it doesn’t make sense if the spots are the same damn size, though. It doesn’t make sense to have these spots directly in front of the store in all cases either, especially if the store has over 10,000 square feet of floor space. The handicapped person is expected to traverse 40+ aisles of store, but they can’t go an extra 10 feet to their parking space? What’s the hell up with that? Plus they give those handicapped sticker to anyone. If you’re over 40, you basically qualify for a handicapped sticker.
That’s not what really pisses me off, though. It’s people with handicapped stickers who don’t park in handicapped parking spots. WTF is up with that? I can’t park in the handicapped parking spot, why can they park in the “normal” parking spots? It’s a double standard. If there’s no parking spots left, but one empty handicapped parking space, I’m still now allowed to park there, so fuck them and their vans.
Some day, I’m going to park in the handicapped spot, and I’ll refuse to move. I’ll be like the Rosa Parks of my generation. “No sir, I will not go to the back of the bus.”
Paid Parking:
You know how much it costs to park to see my local hockey team, the Abbotsford Heat? $10. $10 to park to see a substandard rookie NHL seeder team. It’s not even covered parking. During a recession.
Street Dates:
Street dates for books, DVDs, and games and kind of ridiculous. I use to work at the Superstore, and because of an incident at another store, they had a 24 hour security guard on duty to protect a shipment of Harry Potter books from breaking the street date. We went on to sell 10 of the 100 copies we were given. To be honest, they protect some retailers from having to deal with an unfair advantage with other retailers, but otherwise there’s no point but to build excitement for a bland product.
Handicapped spots are largely illogical, unless of course they’re oversized. Some handicapped drivers need extra space to disembark their wheelchairs. I can deal with that, but it doesn’t make sense if the spots are the same damn size, though. It doesn’t make sense to have these spots directly in front of the store in all cases either, especially if the store has over 10,000 square feet of floor space. The handicapped person is expected to traverse 40+ aisles of store, but they can’t go an extra 10 feet to their parking space? What’s the hell up with that? Plus they give those handicapped sticker to anyone. If you’re over 40, you basically qualify for a handicapped sticker.
That’s not what really pisses me off, though. It’s people with handicapped stickers who don’t park in handicapped parking spots. WTF is up with that? I can’t park in the handicapped parking spot, why can they park in the “normal” parking spots? It’s a double standard. If there’s no parking spots left, but one empty handicapped parking space, I’m still now allowed to park there, so fuck them and their vans.
Some day, I’m going to park in the handicapped spot, and I’ll refuse to move. I’ll be like the Rosa Parks of my generation. “No sir, I will not go to the back of the bus.”
Paid Parking:
You know how much it costs to park to see my local hockey team, the Abbotsford Heat? $10. $10 to park to see a substandard rookie NHL seeder team. It’s not even covered parking. During a recession.
Street Dates:
Street dates for books, DVDs, and games and kind of ridiculous. I use to work at the Superstore, and because of an incident at another store, they had a 24 hour security guard on duty to protect a shipment of Harry Potter books from breaking the street date. We went on to sell 10 of the 100 copies we were given. To be honest, they protect some retailers from having to deal with an unfair advantage with other retailers, but otherwise there’s no point but to build excitement for a bland product.
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