Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Large Hadron Collider? I hardly know her!

The Large Hadron Collider has recently hit a snag involving a helium leak that will take two months to properly fix. Now, the Hadron Collider is the largest and complicated machine ever built by man, and a lot of people have questions about it. A lot of misinformation is going around and I thought that I, with absolutely no scientific experience whatsoever, would take a moment to address these questions and alleviate some fears.
Myth: The Hadron Collider will open up a black hole that will destroy the planet.
Fact:  The Hadron Collider will not open any black holes, but it will burst open and candy will come out of it like a pinata.
Myth: The Hadron Collider will give you super-powers if you stand next to it.
Fact: The Hadron Collider will only give you herpes.
Myth: It's actually spelt "Haldron Collider," and was named after the man who developed it.
Fact: No, it's spelt, "Hard-On Collider," and was named after a gay porno.
Myth: The Hadron Collider cost billions to create.
Fact: Construction crews cheaped out on most of the materials, using paper-mache and the like to complete it. The actual cost was $96 Euros, which is 14 cents American if I know my currency at all, and I don't.
Myth: The Hadron Collider is 27km wide and straddles the borders of Switzerland and France.
Fact: Your momma's so fat she's 27km wide and straddles the borders of Switzerland and France.
Myth: The Hadron Collider was built to recreate the Big Bang.
Fact: The Hadron Collider was built to recreate a gang-bang (see: "Hard-On Collider" circa.1987).
I hope that this helps a lot of people out there.

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