The Golden Tail

Frustrated with New Super Mario Bros. 2, I used the in-game “cheat.” When you die a certain number of times on a level, you’ll find a special block appears near the beginning of your starting area. Hitting it will give you the White Racoon Tail, which gives you all the powers of Racoon Tail Mario, (limited flight and tail attacks), along with the invincibility of a star power-up. Using this on the boss level of World 6, I still managed to die about four times. That’s right, I died four time while invisible. Technically, you can still die if you fall in a pit or touch lava, and that level is about 90% lava. (Why does Bowser keep building his castles on lava when he’s vulnerable to it? That’s like Superman building the Fortress of Solitude out of green kryptonite.)

In the end, do I feel like I’ve accomplished anything, or do I feel like I’ve cheated?

Its hard to say. The game’s all about getting power-up and jumping. That’s essentially all I’ve done. Plus, after an uncounted number of Mario games and imitators, I’m sick to death of all the running and jumping. I’m sick of timing a jump, I’m sick of judging a distance for a jump, I’m sick of ducking under fireballs, I’m sick of waiting for Thwomps to pull back up so I can run under them, and I’m sick of princesses. Fuck all that shit. I’m grown up now. I don’t need to be made to feel like a piece of shit for missing a split-second opening for a jump the fiftieth-time in a row by an antiquated video game. I could be shouting dragons to death or shooting arrows at Creepers from atop the fortress I’ve built.