The 4-1-1 on 9/11

What’s the appropriate way to celebrate 9/11?

I’ve been thinking about it for years now and all I keep coming up with is quoting Team America: World Police.

Today it was 9/11 times 11. “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT EQUALS!”

I did, however, think about going to Red Robin and getting two orders of Towering Onion Rings, those awkward dong-looking onion rings stacked on a rack:

So deliciously phallic.

Seriously, my choice of appetizer should not make me question my sexuality. Did they have to put the dipping sauces exactly where the balls should be? Usually the creamy sauce comes out the top. Anyway, imagine two of those and then you hit one of them with a ketchup bottle. Then, when everyone’s trying to eat that one, you hit the other one with a vinegar bottle. Tragic. And delicious. And penis-shaped.

Honestly, what else could you reasonably be expected to do? No one commemorates the sinking of the Lithuania, so why should the terrorist attacks of 9/11 be any different? If anyone can name a single person who died in the terrorist attacks, or the two ensuing wars, they’re either lying or related.

The media does a god-awful job of 9/11 coverage because its so obviously biased and pro-American. Whatever they say, there’s literally no lesson we can take way from the attacks. Over three thousand people died that day, and maybe two hundred of them were actual heroes trying to rescue people. 1/15th of everyone involved were heroes. That means 14/15 people are being falsely credited and idolized.

The story no one ever talks about is how rich the victims families must have gotten. There was immediately a telethon and charity that raised billions. That’s billions with a “b,” spread across 3,000 families. Bear in mind that the vast majority of the people killed in the attacks were already well-to-do. They were working in the World Trade Centre. Most of them were therefore likely involved with investment banking, etc. So the wealthy got wealthier. Bear in mind that if they were still standing, the towers would have been targeted by Occupy Wall Street protests. The twin towers might as well have been a giant statue of the old guy from Monopoly that people worked in.

Plus its been 11 years and they still haven’t rebuilt the towers. Duke Nukem Forever and Chinese Democracy have both been released in the meantime. Two exceedingly long and pointless wars were waged and “won” in the meantime, but they haven’t been able to rebuild the towers. The same government that decided to invade another country three days after the attack took years to decide on an appropriate design.

Everything about the attack and the American landscape that follows reeks of Looney Tunes. Treating it like a glitch in human history is the best way of going about it.