Paranatural

Chapter One

    “What makes me qualified to be on your show? I can see ghosts…” a long, awkward pause followed as Evan Baker stared into the camera. “I don’t know what else you’d want from me. I see ghosts.”
    Bill Lendon hit pause on the TV and carelessly set the remote down on his spacious desk with a clunk. The image of Evan taken in his dimply lit parent’s basement froze on the flastscreen in an unflattering expression with his mouth agape. Leaning far back in his chair, Bill kicked his one leg up over his other knee and rested it there and he placed his fingertips of his right hand against his jaw thoughtfully.
    Evan grinned sheepishly at the man behind his desk. “Do you want to know what I think about this tape?” he asked in the rushed manner Evan had become accustomed to since meeting him. “I think its crap.”
    It was hardly the reaction Evan had been expecting. After all, his audition tape had landed him a trip out to L.A. to meet with the reality TV producer in private. It had come as a shock to him when he received the invitation not three days prior. He scarcely remembered even sending the video, which he had made with low expectations in mind. One of his followers in his chat group had suggested  he submit after hearing about the casting call for a new reality series that was supposed to be premièring in the fall.
    Thinking that he was supposed to respond, but not knowing what he was going to say in his defence, Evan opened his mouth, “Well I…”
    Bill cut him off, “When people turn on their Tvs, they want to see someone exciting. Someone who can command a presence. What do you think they’d think when they see you?”  he gestured vaguely at Evan in what might have been disgust. “I mean you come in here all dressed in black like you’re either a wannabe Johnny Cash, or some Emo kid. You look like you’ve never ever seen the sunlight. I have a stack of tapes like this,” he held his hands apart, “of people who look just like you, making all these bullshit claims. What’s your claim to fame? What do you have on them? Nothing! Just look at this,” he reached out and opened a folder on his laptop. “You’re a blogger? Wow, that’s still a thing? And with what, 20,000 followers? My cat has a twitter feed with that many followers. I’m not even making that up. I make my assistant do it. I read your blog, like, before you came in here. If someone sent me a script with that many grammatical errors I’d have them fired.”
    “Well I don’t really have an editor,” Evan coughed into his hand.
    Bill reached into his desk and pulled out a can of antibacterial air fresher and sprayed it in Evan’s direction a couple times. “Do you know who we had lined up for this show, before she bailed? Those plumber psychics. Their contract was supposed to be up in June and we could have nabbed them, but they got a new deal inked and we were left out in the cold. Now I’m here, scrambling to fill the spaces, and I’m left with few options. I wanted Celebrity names. That’s Celebrity with a big, ‘C,’ and I got little ‘c’s instead. Do you know how many years I’ve been doing this kind of crap? I basically invented reality TV back before 9/11. Don’t listen to that prick over on the big network that will remain nameless in these halls saying that he’s the genius behind, ‘Big Eye.’ That was my idea to steal that show from Sweden and he stole it from me,“ he sighed. Getting up from his chair, he paced over to his window looking out at a smog-shrouded Hollywood sign. “So I got stuck here on cable making shows with genetic defects and failed rap acts trying to bump uglies. I’ve had people in here that are so far down the food chain that I had to have the whole place disinfected. Fact is though, those are the kind of people who make money. Make me money. You,” he turned around sharply and pointed a finger at him, “you don’t look like you’re going to make me money. Do you even have a job?” he asked in disbelief.
    “Well there’s my blog,” Evan insisted.
    “That’s not a job!” Bill laughed. “That doesn’t pay for the electricity. Christ, look at your tape again,” picking up the remote, he rewound the the video and played it from the beginning.
    “Hi, my name’s Evan…. Uhm, I heard you were auditioning for this new show about the paranormal and ghosts, and all that, and you were looking for experts in the field. What makes me qualified to be on your show? I can see ghosts….”
    Bill paused it again in disgust. “The video is only like fifteen seconds long,” he exaggerated. “Did you think this was going to win me over? I’m looking to fill twenty-two episodes and you give me this? You’re on screen for like ten seconds and you’re putting me to sleep. Look!” he walked over to the fifty-inch plasma screen and pointed to a section of Evan’s face. “Is this a zit? You’re like thirty years old!” Evan was actually twenty-five, but he chose not to correct him. “There’s only so much make-up artists can do. You remember Shaquifwa on, ‘Ho for a Pimp?’ That’s how she looked after forty minutes in the chair.”

Dre-Double D’s.

Dredd might be more gruesome than the entire Saw franchise combined. When you see a movie that’s essentially Robocop minus the robo, you expect a fair bit of violence. The brutality in Dredd, however, is more fetishized than some snuff films. A full two minutes was devoted to a bullet tearing through a perp’s cheek, with more attention to detail than the “Last Supper.” It’s like the movie isn’t out to reboot a franchise that never took flight, it’s out to kill the very memory of its predecessor, Sylvester Stalone’s Judge Dredd.

Indeed, Dredd has more in common with most horror movies than the sci-fi spaghetti Western it’s intending to be. The Peach Tree mega structure might as well be a haunted house, but its hard to say if the spooks haunting it are the drug-addicted gang members or Dredd himself. I’d go with saying Dredd, because of how far he takes the punishment of each and every criminal who crosses his path. He’s got a lot in common with Mike Myers and Jason Vorheed, in that you never supposed to see him without the mask on. The funny thing is, the movie Dredd is more loyal to keeping it’s titular character’s face hidden than Halloween and Friday the 13th. There’s actual science proving that a man wearing a helmet is viewed as less human than his bare-faced counterparts, and it’s played to in this movie. Dredd is more of an icon than a man, which even his own enemies admit to. You get the impression that there’s no one beneath the helmet: there’s only the helmet. Even Darth Vader was flesh and blood under his helmet, and he was a cyborg.

The movie avoids clichés, while being clichéd. For instance, he’s partnered up with a rookie named Anderson, who happens to be a mutant psychic. She, at least, has a face. She says she doesn’t want to wear the helmet because it interferes with her psychic abilities. If this was Judge Dredd, she’s be the comic relief. Instead, she’s a foil only in the sense that her inexperience makes her the opposite of Dredd, who’s all textbook and grit. Her hesitation at dishing our death makes her seem more sympathetic than Dredd, but we see a scene where Dredd chooses to stun a pair of under-aged teens pointing guns at him instead out outright murdering them, as is within his rights as a, “Judge.” That’s more a part of him being in, “control.” He’s angry, but he’s not ever reckless. The rookie only hesitates four times in the course of the movie, because she has her own sense of morals, not because she’s afraid. There’s nothing really comedic about her. Nor is there a hint of sexual tension between her and Dredd, although throughout the whole movie it appears as if they’re going to be spending their last minutes together. She has more of a rapport with the prisoner she’s hauling around like a piece of luggage for half the movie than with Dredd.

The movie plays out more like a videogame than a movie. I could honestly see myself playing the levels. And there’s literally, “levels.” The two Judges have to make their way up 200 levels inside a giant tower, with, “Ma-Ma,” as the final boss.

I had to use imdb.com to find out that the woman playing Ma-Ma wasn’t Carrie-Anne Moss, because she looked exactly like Trinity in the Matrix. I was going to make a quip about her holding the record for falling in Slow-Motion in a Motion Picture. Seriously, though, she has the record. I think it was previously held by Carrie-Ann Moss for the repeated scene in Matrix: Reloaded where she’s falling out the window shooting at the Agent. She also holds the record for having spinach stuck in her teeth the longest time during a motion picture. Seriously, she has a fucked-up scarred face, but we’re still told as an audience that she still cares about her hygiene as she’s shown taking a bath in slow-motion, but her teeth are disgusting and covered in glump.

Slo-Motion 3D bullet-time is at the core of this movie, and no one’s done it better. Slo-Mo is an actual drug in the movie. Whenever someone takes it, it slows time down to 1%, and makes the user see glittery sparks. There’s more glitter in Dredd than in My Little Brony Rave. I think without Slow-Mo, the movie would have been ten minutes long. It’s not overused, per se, but they take it farther than you’d ever imagine. I saw the movie in 3D, and my only previous experience like this was in Jackass 3D. You actually see the flesh flapping around from the concussive force in slo-mo from an explosion before you see the spark. With the bath scene, you watch a drop of water fall twelve inches for twice as many seconds. Blood is treated the same way. A bullet-splatter becomes practically a paining in slo-mo. I think I’ve spent less time looking at a dirty picture in a magazine than I have spent watching a single droplet of blood in Dredd. That’s why the movie is a must-see in 3D. Watching glittery particles of blood sparkle in slo-motion is the equivalent of watching the ashes fall in Avatar 3D.

Not a Belly Itcher

This is the best idea ever. Think of all the sympathy garnered by legitimate refs after scabs took their jobs. Now, replace those refs with legally blind refs. Don’t tell anyone in advance of the game. Just do it. Have blind refs.

Pros: My idea is awesome and hilarious.

Cons: Murder-riot.

Special Agent Oso

Continuing with my examination of Special Agent Oso, I found he has hidden cams inside our children’s bathrooms. In an episode I saw today, he had a flying robot bug watch as a child tried to brush his teeth, and then the robot signalled Oso that the child was alone in the bathroom. That’s creepy.

He’s also trying to confuse our children. In a short cartoon entitled, “Three Healthy Steps,” he explains the three steps to catching a ball… There’s really only one step to catching a ball. You catch it. Congratulations, you graduated son. But no, he elaborates in song the three steps.

Step 1: Put yourself in front of the ball.

Step 2: You catch the ball.

Step 3: Why is there a step three? I think it had something to do with celebrating.

Seriously, all of this was unnecessary. A child isn’t going to learn to catch a ball by watching a video. It’s like when you get a low paying job and your new supervisor puts in a video explaining how to push a button because the corporation you work for thinks you’re the dumbest thing that’s ever lived. There’s only one way to learn how to play catch, and only one correct way of doing it.

I like the fact that many. “Steps,” went into the production of this cartoon, and at no point did anyone say, “This isn’t worth doing. Let’s try something else.” Meaning: Following steps simply doesn’t work.

Also, every time anyone ever mentions, “Steps,” I automatically think of the Underpants Gnomes from South Park.

Step 1: Steal all the underpants.

Step 2: ???

Step 3: Profit!

I also watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Donald Duck was trying to teach a baby duckling how to fly. But it was a real duck, and he’s a cartoon duck. He’s living in a world where there’s lesser evolved animal versions of himself. Wouldn’t that get weird? You could make the argument that monkeys are lesser evolved people, but that’s no quite how it is. We don’t see unmistakable tiny, naked miniature versions of ourselves walking around in nature that are more “real” than we are. Plus, he’s trying to call the ducks by quacking, but he’s not actually quacking, he’s just saying the word, “Quack!” He’s a funny talking duck that always sounds like he’s quacking, but he can’t actually quack. I almost expected him to suddenly reject the human world, take off his clothes, and run wild and free.

Disney Wishland

I only just realized that Toy Story is Pinochio in reverse. It starts off with Buzz thinking he’s a well-rounded human being, and he slowly degenerates into a toy after his will is shattered. Woody is his evil, opposite Jimminy Cricket, who tells Buzz to do the wrong things, leading him further and further astray in his own reckoning of his humanity.

I was also thinking about how Disney movies prove that there’s no such thing as a benevolent God. Their movies are filled with God-like beings like Fairy God Mothers and Genies, but they have unreasonably finite powers. For instance, when Gepeto wishes for Pinochio to be a real boy, the Blue Fairy turns him into a half-real unliving monstrosity. There’s no explanation as to why she couldn’t out-and-out make him a real boy off the bat. She makes him jump through hoops just so he can live. She also makes a random insect his external conscience for shits’n’giggles, instead of instilling it in him herself. The cricket didn’t have a conscience to begin with, so why couldn’t she give it to Pinochio? Also, Pinochio is transformed into a donkey by drinking a magic potion, making him a flesh-and-blood living being, so its obviously not that hard to go from point A to point B. Bear in mind that the Blue Fairy is the only one who knows the rules of the game, and she could be making it up as she goes along. Everyone just trusts in her that she’s telling them the truth.

Skryim Glitches: Hearthfire Edition: Revengerance

Going back to my main character, I turned in a quest to the Jarl of Falkreath, and his opinion of me did a 180. He granted me permission to buy land in his hold, and told me to speak to his servant for details. Speaking to his servant gave me no details, and I was unable to buy land.

Skyrim Glitches: Hearthfire Edition Concluded

Finally unlocked all the Achievements for Hearthfire by using my Kajiit second character, Meo. I finished building my third house on the outskirts of Morthal, named Windstad. Strangely, my children whom I adopted in the Riften orphanage and were bound to my home in Heljarchen Hall showed up in Windstad, or at least one of them did. Previously, the children would roam the grounds around Windstad and not enter, and in all their dialogue expressed their disbelief in being adopted, with no further options in their chat windows. This disappointed me, as I had crafted beds for them inside, and had toys and clothes to give them as gifts. My lesbian wife, Lydia, also roamed around Heljarchen Hall without entering, which aided me in a battle against a group of bandits and their chief who showed up out of the blue at my doorstep. The house was mostly furnished and complete, but with no steward, which might have caused the NPCs to glitch as they did. I had Validmar with me as my companion, and I asked him to be my steward, but I was at Heljarchen Hall when I did so, while he was bound as a Windstad steward by the game. Later, I rebound him at Windstad, but when I asked him to improve my house furnishing, options for non-existent rooms at Windstad came up in his dialogue box. The rooms in question were for both Heljarchen Hall and Windstad combined; Heljarchen Hall still having no official steward, as I was not yet Thane in Dawnstar.

I tried looking for my adopted son I saw by chance in Windstad, but he had disappeared after I left the room. Strange.

Worst Villain Ever

Jake and the Neverland Pirates is a question wrapped inside of an enigma. The first thought that bursts into someone’s mind when they learn someone made a Disney kid’s show about a group of three pirate kids in Neverland and their adventures involving Captain Hook is, “Where’s Peter Pan?” Seriously, where the fuck is Peter Pan? There’s DVD that supposedly explains everything, and I’m about ready to drop $30 on it. Why are the kids hanging around Captain Hook, when they could be rolling with the Lost Boys? They’re also not a part of Captain Hook’s crew. They’re basically a rival gang of pirates, operating out a secret pirate lair. In the show, they find clues from Peter Pan about treasure on the island, and they have a bag of Tinkerbelle’s magical pixie dust, but neither character is to be seen. Its almost as if they didn’t have the rights to the characters, which is impossible considering its Disney, and they have Captain Hook.

Seriously, though, where is Peter Pan? Is the series set in the interim period shown in the movie Hook? Did Peter Pan fly away and forget how to get back? That’s one of the rules: Peter Pan can’t stay away from Neverland for too long or he’ll forget how to ever make it back home. Then how does he leave clues for the pirate kids?

GRAH!

I was also thinking about how great a villain Captain Hook is. He’s not a one-track character like in every other kid’s story. Captain Hook has a full itinerary that goes well and beyond killing Peter Pan. For instance, a day for him could involve:

1: Revenge against the crocodile that bit off his hand, ala Moby Dick.

2: Stealing magic from the island .

3: Stealing treasure from the island.

4: Finding a way home from Neverland.

5: Being a pirate.

6: For some reason: baseball.

Think of other villains, like Voldemort. What’s his plan?

Step One: Kill Harry Potter.

Step Two: ???

Step Three: Profit!

The Worst Movie Ever

We all like to joke about the worst movie ever made. For some, its, “The Room,” for others its, “Bonfire of the Vanities.” Some nerds think, “Transformers,” or, “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull,” are the worst movies. To me, it’d be, “Dick Tracy,” right up until a few days ago. Now, there’s a unanimous consensus, and the point has become moot. I don’t want to say its name, or post a link to it, because its essentially Mein Kampf for a new generation of bigots. A few good Americans who had nothing to do with the movie were killed in Libya as a result of this movie being released on 9/11. The message. The actors involved in the film apparently had no clue what they were even involved in. Their inflammatory dialogue in the movie was dubbed in post-production.

Which is where the poorer points of the movie really starts. I only watched the trailer for the movie for a few seconds, skipping over huge parts, and not listening to the audio, and already I could tell it was total crap. The green-screen effects were worse than what I saw amateurs do back in high school. Also: I heard it was filmed in Egypt. Why did they need a green-screen for a desert scene if there’s a real desert they could have filmed in, other than the fact that filming in deserts sucks balls? Also, the actor portraying ***** looks more like Jesus Christ, in the minds of white Americans. I mean to say he’s a white guy with a beard. Plus there’s some kind of weird sex stuff going on, and possibly some unshaven cunninglingus. The white dude in the robe is crawling around and under a white woman in a robe’s bare leg, possibly to dive some muff. She’s sitting on a piece of furniture that looks definitely out of place in a period piece. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I’ve never seen, or heard, or fantasized about anyone having sex this way. If it was a photo submission to a blog site, it’d be labelled under, “You’re Doing it Wrong.”

Still, you don’t need my word for it. Violent mobs of people storming embassies really says all that needs to be said. Its the worst reviewed movie of all time. OF ALL TIME. Even Kanye West would agree, if he wasn’t busy being a douche.

WoW: Mists of Confusion

The new expansion pack for World of Warcraft: Mist of Pandaria proves one thing: that the people of Azeroth are the worst explorers ever. They lost an entire continent. Sadly, this isn’t the first time. They’ve previously lost entire islands as well as co-habitated with an entire race living aboard a giant, invisible spaceship. They’ve even re-discovered a giant chunk of their own planet that’s floating around in space. Yet, they ignored an entire continent.

Everyone on Azeroth is an immortal magician. Some have even gone back in time. Many have fought Gods, even Elder Gods. Your typical character can swim to the bottom of the ocean, provided they have the right character class, potion, or spell to breathe underwater for that period of time. They can fly around on magical animals, or sail the skies in air ships. The only consequences for death is having to walk back to your own body. There’s an entire race of the undead and an alien race. There’s literally no explanation that can be used to justify ignorance of an entire unexplored continent, especially when every man, woman and child on the planet are all classifiable as, “adventurers.”  “Mists,” is not an adequate excuse. You can’t just say it was misty and you couldn’t see it. Elves even have a racial trait that eliminates that problem. “Magic,” isn’t even a good excuse, as everyone is a fucking wizard.

Skyrim: Hearthfire Glitches Continued

The walls in my Lakeview Manor home partially disappeared, revealing a blue sky with cloud. Going through the missing walls caused my character to fall below the house and then teleport into my alchemy room. Also, the manequins in my armoury appeared without any of their armour on, and were displayed standing below and inside of their bases. Leaving the house and coming back in corrected this.

Modern Horror

I’ve noticed that the horror genre has changed over the last few years. The classic tropes highlighted and derived by the Scream trilogy are still there, but there’s a new genre.

Oddly enough, the plot to these movies closely resemble any episode of Scooby-Doo.

It begins with white people trying to unravel a mystery by investigating a ridiculous hypothesis, ie.: ”The house is haunted.” This usually involves using credible means, such as conducting interviews with locals and experts, and filming in hopes of capturing supernatural activity. Their suppositions, however, are batshit insane, and hence they don’t really believe in them at first. Then, after gathering more evidence, they gradually become more convinced, as does the audience. Despite their new outlook, they don’t bother with the necessary precautions a rational human being would, ie.: “Hey, this house is haunted, maybe I should get the fuck out.” They’ll continue to stay the course even if they don’t want to. Up until this point, the spookiness has really just been a series of random events that can easily be brushed off or forgotten. Then, something big and scary will happen, and then the fate of the people involved is left in question.

This theme is true for a lot of the, “Found Video,” movies out there, like the Blair With Project and all the Paranormal Activity movies that followed it. Its made its way onto the internet as well with the Slenderman videos on youtube.

Revenge of the Nerds: Public Enemy Number One

Robot Chicken’s breakdown of the crimes committed in the original Revenge of the Nerds movie made me think of how the others stacked up:

Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise

The rap sheet:

Grand Theft Auto

Assault

Illicit Drug Use

Corrupting a Minor

Under-aged Drinking

Sexual Harassment

Sexual Assault

Illegal Border Crossing

Destruction of Property

Invading U.S. Soil

Providing a false I.D. to police

Public Indecency

Crime plays a pivotal role in the sequel, as the Jocks frame the Nerds for stealing their car to have their charter revoked, because, as Ogre puts it, “NEEEEEEERRRRRRDS!” They respond to this by invading U.S. soil with a tank they found by happenstance, which they proceed to drive through a wall and into a pool, endangering hundreds of lives in the process. To summarize, they start an ACTUAL WAR with real weapons of war over what is essentially a prank. Plus, I’m pretty sure they skipped bail after being arrested for the car incident. The jock admitted he set them up to a large audience of people, but that kind of thing still has to go to court.

Best Musical Moments in Rockstar Games

For over the past decade, Rockstar games have tried to keep the "rock,” in, “Rockstar.” Originally, songs included on the soundtracks to their games were original, but they eventually branched out and included a mass of copyrighted content. Either way, here’s some of the top ways they’ve used music:

5: The Blue Room;L.A. Noire;

The Blue Room is, appropriately enough, a Blues club in the game where Detective Phelps goes to both work and relax, and to ogle his German love-interest in the game. The performances here go a long way in setting the atmosphere, and plot.

4: Love Fist; GTA: Vice City

Love Fist is the fictitious Hair-Metal band featured in several mission in Vice City that culminates in a concert performance. Eerily, the over-the-top group based loosely on Motley Crue and several others seems to foreshadow today’s retro Hair-Metal band Steel Panther with overt sexual references. All their songs are originals, and can be heard on the radio stations while driving, along with interviews with the band themselves, creating a more, “real,” feel.

3: Phil Collins, “In the Air Tonight;” GTA: Vice City Stories

Similar in its staging to the Love Fist concert above, the Phil Collins concert was an in-game reward, redeemed by cashing in huge chunk of money. The song itself is so overused today that it would likely be the fourth best use behind:

3: Miami Vice

2: The Hangover

1: American Psycho

Yes, I just put a list in a list. This is Inception.

2: “Compass;” Red Dead Redemption

The soundtrack for Red Dead Redemption is mostly instrumental period-pieces, but there’s several big moments in the game when it cuts into a song with vocals. The plot for the game is really about a man trying to reunite with his family, and this song comes in out of the blue just as you’re riding on your way to do that. Its a bold choice, as well, as the song sounds more Folksy than Country-Western. It was also included in the soundtrack that some people received as a pre-order bonus for the game.

1: Flock of Seagulls; “I Ran;” GTA: Vice City

Players would put GTA: Vice City into their disc trays, load it up and steal a car. Then they would drive around until this song came on the radio. It was featured in the popular trailer and became synonymous with everything the game was about. Nowadays, if I ever hear this song on the radio while I’m driving, I’ll immediately swerve to hit a hooker.

The Golden Tail

Frustrated with New Super Mario Bros. 2, I used the in-game “cheat.” When you die a certain number of times on a level, you’ll find a special block appears near the beginning of your starting area. Hitting it will give you the White Racoon Tail, which gives you all the powers of Racoon Tail Mario, (limited flight and tail attacks), along with the invincibility of a star power-up. Using this on the boss level of World 6, I still managed to die about four times. That’s right, I died four time while invisible. Technically, you can still die if you fall in a pit or touch lava, and that level is about 90% lava. (Why does Bowser keep building his castles on lava when he’s vulnerable to it? That’s like Superman building the Fortress of Solitude out of green kryptonite.)

In the end, do I feel like I’ve accomplished anything, or do I feel like I’ve cheated?

Its hard to say. The game’s all about getting power-up and jumping. That’s essentially all I’ve done. Plus, after an uncounted number of Mario games and imitators, I’m sick to death of all the running and jumping. I’m sick of timing a jump, I’m sick of judging a distance for a jump, I’m sick of ducking under fireballs, I’m sick of waiting for Thwomps to pull back up so I can run under them, and I’m sick of princesses. Fuck all that shit. I’m grown up now. I don’t need to be made to feel like a piece of shit for missing a split-second opening for a jump the fiftieth-time in a row by an antiquated video game. I could be shouting dragons to death or shooting arrows at Creepers from atop the fortress I’ve built.

The 4-1-1 on 9/11

What’s the appropriate way to celebrate 9/11?

I’ve been thinking about it for years now and all I keep coming up with is quoting Team America: World Police.

Today it was 9/11 times 11. “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT EQUALS!”

I did, however, think about going to Red Robin and getting two orders of Towering Onion Rings, those awkward dong-looking onion rings stacked on a rack:

So deliciously phallic.

Seriously, my choice of appetizer should not make me question my sexuality. Did they have to put the dipping sauces exactly where the balls should be? Usually the creamy sauce comes out the top. Anyway, imagine two of those and then you hit one of them with a ketchup bottle. Then, when everyone’s trying to eat that one, you hit the other one with a vinegar bottle. Tragic. And delicious. And penis-shaped.

Honestly, what else could you reasonably be expected to do? No one commemorates the sinking of the Lithuania, so why should the terrorist attacks of 9/11 be any different? If anyone can name a single person who died in the terrorist attacks, or the two ensuing wars, they’re either lying or related.

The media does a god-awful job of 9/11 coverage because its so obviously biased and pro-American. Whatever they say, there’s literally no lesson we can take way from the attacks. Over three thousand people died that day, and maybe two hundred of them were actual heroes trying to rescue people. 1/15th of everyone involved were heroes. That means 14/15 people are being falsely credited and idolized.

The story no one ever talks about is how rich the victims families must have gotten. There was immediately a telethon and charity that raised billions. That’s billions with a “b,” spread across 3,000 families. Bear in mind that the vast majority of the people killed in the attacks were already well-to-do. They were working in the World Trade Centre. Most of them were therefore likely involved with investment banking, etc. So the wealthy got wealthier. Bear in mind that if they were still standing, the towers would have been targeted by Occupy Wall Street protests. The twin towers might as well have been a giant statue of the old guy from Monopoly that people worked in.

Plus its been 11 years and they still haven’t rebuilt the towers. Duke Nukem Forever and Chinese Democracy have both been released in the meantime. Two exceedingly long and pointless wars were waged and “won” in the meantime, but they haven’t been able to rebuild the towers. The same government that decided to invade another country three days after the attack took years to decide on an appropriate design.

Everything about the attack and the American landscape that follows reeks of Looney Tunes. Treating it like a glitch in human history is the best way of going about it.

Skyrim Glitches: Hearthfire Edition

The Hearthfire expansion added the possibilities of adding custom-built houses to your game, as well as adoption. To me, adoption should have been a Day One ability with they game, but it’s taken nearly a year for the 360 version of Skyrim to embark upon Fable territory. Adoption was a no-brainer, considering the game’s already ample orphan population, complete with orphanage. The add-on adds additional orphans, however, who will attempt to pull on your heartstrings as you encounter them in any of the major cities. Choosing to build additional space for them in your already-established homesteads for them will lead to heartache, if you happen to have stored any vital materials in the rooms being renovated into children’s bedrooms. Alchemy and enchantment labs seem the most susceptible to this alteration, although I’ve only had a chance to test it in four homesteads. Solitude is the least affected, with only a bookshelf outside your bedroom affected by the change. Windhelm has the new option of removing the murder scene from your home and adding a children’s bedroom, with the cost being a chest and a wardrobe. Whiterun is the worst, by far, with the chance of losing your entire Alchemy Lab for the sake of an orphan, with everything you may have saved in it.

The other problem is with gaining access to the houses is the fact you need to be a potential Thane in favour with the holding in question, which is of one of three holdings. With my main character, I had no problem with two of three, but because of a Dawnguard mission, I had to kill a higher-up in Falkreath and earned the ire of the Jarl there, meaning I couldn’t claim the property for my third house. I had to switch over to my Kajit secondary to earn that honour, at far less effort, which is often the case in these matter. With my Kajit, however, she earned the right to property in Falkreath first, and then her Thane second, and it seems to be affecting my ability to turn my Falkreath Thane into my Falkreath Stewart.

Another thing is: when I pay my Stewart to decorate my home, they don’t. Plus, the option to decorate the Main Hall is always shown, even after I choose it.

iPhony

Samsung recently lost billions in its legal battle with Apple over copyright infringement, but did you know Apple has been ripping off someone else for years? That someone is Star Trek.

Apple execs have admitted that the idea for iTunes came from Star Trek: The Next Generation, where the Enterprise’s computer has a full catalogue of every song ever made available upon request. It goes deeper than that.

While visiting the Star Trek exhibit at the PNE in Vancouver, I saw an old prop labelled, “PADD.” It was essentially an iPad, but more 90’s-futuristic. It was exactly the same size, shape, and thickness of an iPad, but all black with red lettering. There were other similar props gathered around it, but that one stood out the most to me because of the name on it. The only thing standing between that prop and billions of consumer dollars was its complete lack of functionality. On the show, however, it was shown as having touch-screen controls and video display.

If you watch TNG, you’d see how everything was operated by touch screen video display, which were prone to exploding. Oddly, when the prequel series Enterprise came out, they lost that technology, although the show is set in the future and it was available when the show was produced. The only other input device on the Enterprise was operated by voice command, which is copied by the latest technology from Apple, Siri. Siri and the ship’s computer both work exactly the same way, except the Enterprise would respond properly.

Skyrim Glitches… Continued!

In the past three days of playing, most of the glitches I’ve encountered in Skyrim have been to my advantage. Yesterday, while visiting Hjerim in Windhelm, I noticed a previously empty room was now furnished. I always found it curious that one room in the upper house was empty, but I chalked it up to not halving a housecarl. since I chose to kill Ulfric myself and earned the scorn of all those living inside the Palace of the Kings. Today, while visiting, a man named Calder asked me if I was lost upon entering my own house. He was apparently my new housecarl, who decided to show up out of the blue. I started gearing him up and told him to accompany me on my journeys, because Lydia was beginning to bore me.

Also, while journeying to the top of the Throat of the World for the legendary Notched Pickaxe, I found Paarthunax upon his ancient perch, which was odd because he’d been missing ever since I completed the main questline. He was supposed to be inaccessible as he had taken to the skies to sway over the other dragons to his peaceful teaching. Perhaps he had been successful in his endeavours. His return means I can now choose to kill him and complete the mini-questline for the dragon hunters.

I also tried to display the Ebony Blade in my house, but it wouldn’t fit on any mantle or in any display case. It would come flying off and land on the ground.

Skyrim Glitches (Continued)

After receiving my inheritance from Gorm, I attempted to use the Amulet of Mara to propose marriage to an NPC, Lydia. This failed, as with all my previous attempts since the death of my first wife. Defeated, I put away one of the two amulets I was carrying with me and switched to a more powerful artefact. Later, when inspecting my inventory, I discovered I was wearing both amulets at the same time, which was previously thought to be an impossibility.

With Lydia as my companion, I went about an finished up some miscellaneous side-quests. After some fast travelling, I noticed Lydia was no longer following me. I attempted to recruit another companion, but was told I already had one by an NPC. She wasn’t in Breezehome where she serves as my thane. I went back to the last place I remembered seeing her, inside Dragonsreach. It was only there I discovered her after enchanting a new item and turning around. It reminded me of the situations I use to get into with the dog from Fallout 3, where she would disappear completely unless you returned to a certain area.

I had finally obtained the Master rank in Conjuration, and was summoning an Unbound Daemora Lord atop the mage school, when my conjuration disappeared suddenly. I looked around to see if it had run off on its own accord, and saw an incoming dragon. The top of the school was horseshoe shaped with a large tower at the end of the circle. The dragon would swoop from one end of the circle to the other where my arrows couldn’t reach it. If I used Dragonrend on it, it would sit atop the tower where I couldn’t see it, let alone fire my arrows upon it. If it settled down in the courtyard below, I was helpless to watch as the other teachers and student fought with it while I fired my relatively weak arrows into its hide, inflicting little to no damage at all. Frustrated, I used my Call Dragon shout. My dragon came swiftly, and I tried to fire upon the enemy dragon, missing my mark by a wide margin. Backing up for a better shot, I fell off the side of the wall and the cliff below. I feel a hundred feet to my death and respawned before my attempts at summoning. The dragon did not reappear this time, and I was free to continue.

A separate battle with Serena and two friendly NPCs in an escort quest did not go exactly as planned, as every attempt at swinging wild or use a broad-spread magic spell angered the NPCs into attacking Serena, who is admittedly a vampire and worthy of their ire. Serena, more powerful than the two combined, would smite the NPCs, and cause the quest to come to an abrupt halt, forcing me to respawn.

Skyrim Glitch?

While fending off a double dragon (TM) attack on Morthal by calling yet another dragon into the fray, I had whittled the battle down to one Revenant Dragon. It had flown off into the swamp in the dark of dusk and I chased after it. It finally touched ground out by a stream and spat out a purple stream of energy from its gaping maw. I narrowly avoided the blast by slinking around a stub of a tree and pulled out my Dragonbane sword. As I swatted at the dragon the subtitles at the bottom noted that a NPC by the name of Gorm cried out in pain. I looked around, but in the dark and thrush I couldn’t see anyone besides myself and the dragon. A few more strokes of my sword, however, and the dragon fell dead. I absorbed its soul and returned to the town to continue my quest proper, to cure myself of my vampirism.

Once in town, however, a messenger ran up to me and told me that he had an important letter for me, and an large sum of inheritance. Confused by this, I opened the letter, saying that Gorm had willed me his money in the event of his death. This had only happened before after I had murdered my own wife while in the form of a werewolf in Breezehome. Did this mean I was married to Gorm by some mistake? Was it some glitch in the game, preparing me for the Hearthfire expansion?

I went back to the swamp where the bones of the dragon still stood out of the mud and found Gorm lying dead in the reeds. There was little in his possession save for some standard equipment.

Then I thought, “What it Gorm was my relative?” My character was a Nord, and he could have family living in Skyrim, although he’d never given any indication of ever knowing some. He had once been prompted to answer if he had any living relatives, and I chose for him to say he did have a mother and father and wished to visit them again. Could Gorm have been a cousin or brother?

The game suddenly became heavier by a strange coincidence.