Unconventional Wisdom

I briefly attended the inaugural Vancouver Fan Expo today with my six-year-old step-son in tow, thinking he’d be the best choice for a companion on this epic journey. The Expo was a boiled-down sci-fi and comic book convention with stars like Adam West and Burt ward from the 60’s Batman television show and Lou Ferringo from the Incredible Hulk show. Those small “c” celebrities were kept carefully under wraps behind curtains, while other smaller “c”s were left on display. Alan Ruck was one such star.

He played Ferris Bueller’s lanky friend in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. He was at the back of the centre, looking across at Adam West’s curtain. I thought about his career situation: he completely nailed his role in one of the most loved movies from the 80’s, and he ended up next to Tony Amedola from the Stargate SG-1 TV series, who is probably the 25th most interesting person from that show.

It could be worse those: he could be married to Sarah Jessica Parker. F.Y.I.: there was never a Ferris Bueller II: Hooky with Hookers because Alan Ruck’s character was murdered by his father immediately after the conclusion of the first movie and Ferris blamed himself. He didn’t seem like a good fit for the convention in any event. Sure, he played a nerdy character that a lot of people can relate to, but that’s not what nerds like. Nerds like the square-jawed B-movie actors who portray characters they could never live up to. Nerds are a self-hating bunch. Don’t think so? Go to a Magic Cards tournament.

I also thought about the whole Adam West/Burt Ward situation. Of course anyone would want to meet Batman and Robin, that’s just common sense. The way they had it set up, though, was you had to go in to meet Batman, then go into a separate curtain to meet Robin. Who would want that? Who would want to meet just Robin? At least its the original Robin. I can name Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Christian Bale in chronological order as actors who’ve portrayed Batman in live action movies, but Burt Ward is the only Robin I know by name. I’m thinking and I can’t even remember if the dude who played Robin in Batman Forever and Batman and Robin was the same actor both times. I could pass him in the street and not know who he was. I could watch him film Batman and Robin Forever: Attack of the Nipples: A Joel Schumacher Flick and still not know who he was after looking at his stage pass for five minutes.

I stepped into the auditorium for a minute and saw Marina Sirtis and Michael Dorn from Star Trek: The Next Generation answer audience questions, which is always hell for everyone, especially the actors. I thought it was interesting because they were the only ones from Star Trek in attendance (aside from the guy who played Q who was hiding somewhere), and their characters did it on the show. It made me wonder if they’d ever done it in real life, possibly while Jonothan Frakes hid in the hall and cried while playing his trombone. Those aren’t the polite kind of questions to ask them, however, but that would never stop other “fans.” The one question I heard while there was if Dorn had any trouble on the set of Deep Space 9 because he’d heard Ira was a dick. Dorn just sort of looked at the douche for a second before answering how he had a great time on both shows, but the cast on Deep Space Nine were quieter in general. Imagine, though, if you’re a professional and people asked if someone you worked with was a dick, knowing you had a reputation. There’s a trend with some actors like Shia Lebouf, Megan Fox, and David Cross to shit all over the movies they do, the directors and the other people they work with, and it’s affected their careers. They’re still pulling in millions of dollars, though, for their lack-lustre performances. Dorn’s mainly a voice actor working in an environment where people would rather pay to hear an A-lister. He can’t afford to say his cast mates suck, even if Shatner in his career involved somehow.

The hugest line-up I saw was for the lady who does the voice of Ash in the American version of Pokemon. That’s the kind of fan base Pokemon has. There were people from Star Wars, Star Trek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Hercules, Star Gate, and everyone was lining up to see a chick who voices a crybaby boy with a yellow rat. I personally had to buy my step-son Pokemon cards and posters to shut him the hell up.

Then these was the cos-playing. The first thing I noticed was all the doubles. Its fairly standard to see two people dressed the same at a convention. Unless they’re Storm Troopers, they’re not usually in a  group. I saw two Poison Ivys hanging out together, five girls cross-dressing as Scott Pilgrim, two Ramonas, four guys dressed as some horned anime character I couldn’t name because I’m not “hip” enough, and, strangest of all: three women dressed as a gender-reversed Flash. At first I couldn’t figure out who the hell she was supposed to be. I saw the lightning bolt on her chest and thought she was Mary Marvel, but Mary Marvel has a white costume. Then I thought she was Jesse Quick, the third-tier DC comics speedster that hasn’t been reintroduced in the New 52 after being in the last iteration of the Justice League before the reboot, but it still wasn’t right. She was wearing an originally conceived female Flash costume that had no sleeves and showed her hair. I shrugged it off, but then there were two more women dressed exactly like that. I assumed they were Barry Allen, Wally West and Bart Allen, but with female names like Beatrice Allen, Wendy West and Bartzina Allen. I gave them zero points for not including an geriatric Jessica Garrick as the original Flash. The five Scott Pilgrims were pretty weird too, most because their costumes were terrible except for their T-shirts. Plus: zero points for not including a Nega-Scott. Multiple Ramonas made sense to me, though. Ramona’s the only female character in comics as of late that a woman can cos-play as and not be overly sexualized. Still: zero points for not wearing roller skates.

There was the obligatory 90’s Cyclops and Phoenix. No one couple cos-plays as modern Cyclops and the White Queen, mostly because you’re not allowed in public dressed like that. Cyclops got zero points for taking off his visor to look at a toy, which should immediately incinerate everyone in the vicinity. Then there was 90’s Rogue and Magneto. Magneto got zero points for wearing sneakers. Rogue got zero points for not attacking the woman dresses as Ms.Marvel and absorbing her powers. Conventions are an excuse for women to dress in spandex and tease nerds. In Vancouver, though, yoga pants are daily attire, so it takes some of the impact away. Conventions are also the only place outside Ireland where it’s acceptable to be a ginger, given the prior fetishism of Stan Lee and Kirby. I saw five red-headed girl costumes and all were as skin-tight as possible.