Cereal Murderer

I bought a three-pack of cereals at Costco that has Apple Jacks, Corn Pops and Froot Loops. Curious, I looked at the nutritional information and found out that Corn Pops has the most nutritional value by far. Apple Jacks is also slightly healthier than Froot Loops, which is shocking because it’s made from real froot. When exactly did Fruit Loops become Froot Loops and why, or was I just a retarded child and never noticed until now? Why the fuck does Froot Loops have to use the fake name while Apple Jacks, which contains no apples, or jacks, get to keep its? Is it because no one eats Apple Jacks? And if we’re so concerned about “trooth” in advertising, shouldn’t Froot Loops contain bits of tucan? There’s a picture of one right on the box. Sometimes it has its young with it. I should be able to pour a bowl and chow down on some freshly hatched, endangered chicks. Why did they ever claim to have fruit to begin with? I don’t know what flavour they’re supposed to be, but it wasn’t devised by nature. It doesn’t smell like fruit either, like the bird in the commercials says. It smells like stale car air fresheners.

You want to know what cereal doesn’t fuck around with the whole pseudo-fruit flavour? Cookie Crisp. It says cookies right on the goddamn box, and that’s what you get. I don’t think it’s even legal here in Canada, because I’ve looked. The only lie is that it’s not “crisp.” You leave that in milk for five minutes, and it’s cookie-flavoured soup. Same goes for Sugar Crisp, or any other cereal. Basically, if there’s more than one word in the name, at least one of those words are lying to you.

While I’m on the subject: why are there five or more flavours of Cheerios? There’s Cheerios, Honey Nut, Apple Cinnamon, Chocolate, Multi-Grain, etc. Same goes for Shreddies and Rice Krispies. In other words: the least flavourful cereals. It’s like they’re admitting to serving you sawdust. Rice Krispies, by the way, do not go, “Snap, Crackle, and Pop.” They hiss at you like venomous snakes. The only way they’re digestible is by putting spoonfuls of sugar and fruit on them, or turning them into Rice Krispie Squares.The three elves pitching the cereal for them are actually adult humans made shrimp-like by a lifetime of eating Rice Krispies. Look at the Chinese and tell me rice eating is healthy for you.

Why are there so many fibre and bran related breakfast cereals? Your biggest dump of the day is supposed to be your morning poop. You’ve already evacuated the premises by the time you pour your bowl. You don’t need another one at 11 o’clock when you’re getting geared up for the big meeting. I think it’s because Dr.Kellogs, who’s been long dead, is a fecalphiliac. The Kellogs company is trying to create a society that does nothing buy eat and shit, and their plan is 50% complete.