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In my continuing struggle against reality TV, I fell to a vicious blow from one of the latest outings. There is now a show about a bunch of middle-aged goombas in the Bronx and their hideous mothers, called Momma’s Boys of the Bronx. Let me assure you that this is the worst thing ever.

From what I observed they took the most negative Italian American stereotypes they could find outside of the Jersey Shore and stuck them on a show. If the show set out to explore why grown men were still momma’s boys, it became readily apparent in one scene. One of the mooks had picked out a piece of lingerie and was going through the Bronx trying to find random women to put it on as their uniform for a cheerleader at a cannoli eating contest. I’m very certain that asking strange women to put on a see-through skirt to show off their “tasty cakes” is enough to get you arrested in most place. Not the Bronx, however. The mother, when told about these actions by her son, merely rolled her eyes… well “eye” is a better expression. She looked as if someone had melted “Mama Fratelli” from the Goonies with a blowtorch like in Hostel, or if she and Sloth had an incestuous love child.  That’s neither here, nor there, as it’s not, “Housewives of the Bronx,” which I’m sure is in the works, or “woiks,” as they’d call it.

The show progresses on to the climax of a cannoli eating contest, in which the momma’s boy did not win. Let me expand on that: let’s say you had a show about you. How sad would it be if the height of a show about your life was you losing a contest where you had to eat pastries? Surely, there must be going on in your life to justify a camera crew following you around 24/7. The man in question for all this is clearly a sexual predator looking to assault women on the street and in their places of business, and yet the most exciting thing he’s got going on is an eating contest in which he spent all episode building up to and didn’t win. Even if the cameras had chosen some other loser living with their mother, that person might have gotten a high score in Angry Birds, or masturbate the most is the span of a day.

He’s not the only “momma’s boy” on the show even. There’s like five more, and only eight confirmed episodes. None of them did anything to top that. It’s sadder than my own life, for God’s sake!