I noticed today that my baby’s new playtoy is a secret mind control agent issued by the C.I.A. to indoctrinate him into favouring a pro-American approach to Democracy. The toy is a plush coil with two flowers on the end and two animals hanging from it. One of them is a red elephant. The other is a a blue donkey.
Combined, they make the two most un-understandable symbols for America’s two political parties. Why animals? In Canada, the Conservatives don’t use a beaver as their mascot, and the Liberals don’t use a moose. Why do Democrats want to be represented by a jackass? Why do Republicans want to be represented by an animal indigenous to Africa, when they hate all black people?
At first I thought I was just being crazy when I noticed this. I thought the one animal was a horse, but it could very easily be a donkey. Can you tell the difference between a horse and a donkey in plush cartoon form? Plus the elephant was the red Republican colour, and the donkey a blue Democratic colour. They’re tied on a line, so one can be said to be on the left, or right, depending on how you’re facing them. It seems too spot-on to be a mere coincidence. There’s also a star and a mirror hanging from the spiral, which probably represent vanity and Texas, or some other poetic shit the Chinese child labourer making the thing thought up before having his hand cut off in a prison camp for daring to dream the American dream.
I’m now worried my child will grow up to be three hundred pounds, his fat face stuffed with McDonalds fries as he tries desperately to pull on a pair of blue jeans that will never fit him, so he can drive his S.U.V. to school and fail his geography test.
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