I played the Xbox Live Arcade Ugly Americans “Armageddocalypse,” for about three minutes, before having to turn it off. It wasn’t because it’s a bad game, I have no idea if it is or not. All I know is that when Lenny found a minor power up, he spouted out a triumphant, “Fuck yes!” There was a six year old in the room, so that’s a no-no.
It was pretty awesome, though. When you think about it, video game character plod through their worlds gathering items with almost no fanfare. Maybe if Link finds the Triforce, he’ll hold it up above his head towards the camera for a few seconds, which is pretty weird, when you think about it. Does he know we’re there, watching him? Does he know he’s just a puppet in a video game? What kind of life is that? Maybe that’s why his interest in Zelda at the end of the game is pretty lukewarm. He just killed about a thousand monsters just to free her, and all he gets out of it is some first-base. Does he understand she’s just a collection of pixels, and he’s a soulless program with no affixed sexual presence due to a libido made of ones and zeroes? Fuck.
Anyway, I think Lenny’s approach to being in a game is a little more refreshing to what I’m use to. When Gordon Freeman gets the Gravity Gun, he doesn’t act like a kid at Christmas. He just silently starts grabbing things and throws them around. Likewise, he doesn’t tell his buddy to go fuck himself with the very same crowbar he’s being offered to defend himself against an entire invasive dimension of alien parasites. The whole first-person perspective in games really takes away any sense of joy the character might have. That’s not just a problem with the camera always being from the character’s view. In the cutscenes, the same characters show no real reaction beyond, “Grrr… I’m serious!” Master Chief spends an entire game trying to get back an AI that can win the globe-spanning war of annihilation he’s in, whom he also happens to be in love with, and all he really does is kind of nods at her.
The only kind of celebration in games usually comes at the end of a level. Maybe Sonic will flash a “V” sign at the camera. (He wants you to know he knows you’re there, and he can kill you at any time when you’re sleeping.) But strangely, he doesn’t care about the hundreds of gold rings he’s accumulated over the course of that level. If you happened across a solid gold ring spinning in the air in the middle of a grassy field, and you could magically automatically deposit it in an invisible bank by touching it, wouldn’t you freak out a little? Sonic doesn’t need a day job because of those rings. They’re just lying around everywhere, and no one has even thought of taking them. Maybe he’s the only one who can see them? It would explain his positive and upbeat attitude, despite the very real dangers of running into a wall of spike at a hundred miles an hour.
I could stand for a little more casual swearing from my game avatars. If I pick up a gattling gun, I want them searing up a streak about how awesome that is. Then I want them to give me a little, “Fuck you! *BLAM* Fuck you! *BLAM* Fuck you! *BLAM* You’re cool. Fuck you! *BLAM*” while I’m mowing down my enemies. Games are supposed to be more “realistic” these days, which is bullshit. If you want realistic, show the enemies you just shot writhing on the ground in agony for twenty minutes after you shoot them. None of this respawning shit.
Really, the thing that got me the most about those two words, was the voice acting. I was absolutely sold. How many time have you reached a major achievement in a game, and one of the characters walks up to you and gives you a, “Hey, nice work!” You just fucking wiped out the super mutants and saved the entire State’s drinking water. Show a little emotion, you ungrateful shit. Although, to be fair, to the casual observer looking at a trail of dead bodies behind you, you’re probably worried I might set off another nuke.
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