LiveJournal Tags: comedy
Have you ever had this happen to you? Some dude pulls up to you in a van and immediately pesters you by asking if you want to buy a home theatre system, which on would supposedly imagine is in the back of said van. This happens to me nearly every time I go out to the mall area in Langley. Obviously, this shit is stolen, so you’d be buying someone’s stolen goods. Or else you’d be getting robbed the second the back doors of that van open. How does this business model work? It would have to be a cash purchase, first off. They crook will be hoping for you to offer upwards of $500 in his fantasy. You won’t have this amount with you. If you do, you need to be robbed. Tell me where you are and I’ll come rob you. More likely you’ll have like $20 and a Quiznos coupon on hand. This won’t satisfy him, so the haggling process would get a little bizarre from there.Him: “You’re only offering me $20 for this fine piece of home entertainment? This is worth over $10,000, my friend.”
You: “Do I look like I have $10,000 to spend?”
What happens to this guy if he runs into a stereotypical Jew (this is assuming you're a racist, or a self-hating Jew, and I apologize profoundly for my remarks) who’s just going to try to ream him on the price? Like someone who’s more interested in haggling for the price than the actual product he’s trying to buy? One of those people who fucking get off on a cheap deal. The kind of person who’d have this stereo system displayed in their living rooms like big game hunters have lion-skin rugs. Have you met these people? They become fucking enraged if you don’t want to haggle. I don’t think kicking their mother in the cunt could make them angrier.
At this point he’ll already be acting skittish and ready to drive off, but I can imagine the suggestion you go to an ATM is placed somewhere in this conversation. That’ll work out great. Having some crook waiting behind you while you withdraw money from an ATM.
There’s literally no way a situation like this can end well. Here’s some things that could happen:
You could get robbed.
You could get beaten.
You could get kidnapped.
You could get arrested.
You could buy the home theatre system, and then later on while you’re bragging about your new toy to company you find out it actually belonged to one of your friends, and they want it back. You could offer to sell it back to him at a nominal fee, and in the ensuing fight you’ll be stabbed.
A lot of weird shit could go down.
But what if he’s just like a pedophile with candy trying to lure you into the back of his van so he could have sex with you? You’d be like, “AW SHIT! I MISSED OUT ON SOME GAY SEX!” Then you’d be bummed out. (Pun) (This is assuming you're a homophobe, or a a self-hating homosexual male).
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On that note: does any dude try to pick up chicks that way? “Hey ladies, do you like puppies? Well I’ve got them right here in the back of my van.” Why not? It has to work some time. Obviously, there’d be a lot of hit-and-miss involved. A lot of flyers would be posted around town, but statistically women like candy and puppies and John and Kate Plus Eight. Any combination of that could lure them into the back of your van. Even Cougs. ESPECIALLY COUGS.
How that could lead to consensual sexual relations is really up to the individuals involved.
“Look, I know I said there was a puppy back here, but really there’s only my penis.”
Maybe it could work? Maybe it could even lead to a long term relationship… with Bubba in prison.
There’s a reason I don’t give out dating advice.
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Do you think anyone has been arrested for genuinely trying to sell puppies out of the back of a van? Like that kind of mix-up where on person’s thinking one-thing and the other’s thinking another?
“What’s the matter, officer? All I told him was I wanted to show him some puppies in the back of my van? No… Don’t tase me bro’…” *BZZZT*
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I saw one of those kinds of vans today where you think: someone’s been raped in the back of that. There was a bad painting of Charlie’s Angels on the side and the back had some sort of advertisement saying, “Rent me.” I can’t remember the slogan was, but it was vague and confusing. Whatever it was, it didn’t look reputable. The owner probably referred to it as the Shag-Wagon…
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What’s sadder? Having to give up your Pussy-Wagon, or keeping it well past the logical conclusion?
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