The Bearded Man

They say behind every great man is a great woman, but in front of that great man is his beard. As I enter into the ranks of the bearded, I thought I’d take a moment and review some of the greatest men who ever lived and their beards, and discuss how their beards made them more of a bad-ass.

Jesus Christ:

You can’t tell me you’d prefer your Lord and Saviour without a beard. When the son of God is dying for your sins, he’s got to look good, and the beard is what let him go out in style. The man was so bad-ass, he became a swear. Fact: When he was being whipped, they made damn sure not to touch the beard, because that would have brought down the wrath of God.
Mohammed:

Just like Jesus, if Jesus had some balls. Not only did Mohammed have a beard, but he encouraged others to grow their own. He started a fashion trend. True fact: Mohammed’s beard was so glorious that even seeing a picture of it could strike you blind. That’s why it’s forbidden.
Chuck Norris:

Fact: Don’t fuck with Chuck. This is why:

Mr.T

Mr.T’s beard is so bad ass (Baracus) it scared all his hair to the top of his head. That’s how he got the Mohawk. The gold chains are there only to distract you from how magnificent his beard is.
Abraham Lincoln:

The South only surrendered when they saw Lincoln’s beard coming at them. Plus, it helped hide just how damn fugly his face was. They wouldn’t let him on the penny without it.

Ew.
Ernest Hemmingway:

He spent his days drinking and fighting bulls with his bare hands. His grammar was worse than mine, but he’s considered one of the greatest writers because he knew how to be a man. Step One: Grow a beard.
Gordon Freeman:

The headcrabs come at him just because they want a piece of that beard.
Master Chief:

Ever see him without the helmet? No. Ever see him shave? No. He’s sporting a beard under there.
Z.Z. Top

Notice how the guy in the middle doesn’t have his face closer to those chick’s assess? No beard.
Adolf Hitler:

No beard. One ball. ‘Nuf said. Rot in hell, you bastard!
The Bearded Lady:

People have, for over a hundred years, paid to see a bearded lady. Why? Because she has a beard. That’s how important beards are.
Wolfman:

You can only kill the wolfman with silver bullets, because his beard gives him magical protection.
Vikings:

Fact: Vikings didn’t wear helmets with horns on them, but they had huge fucking beards, and that’s what made them awesome.
Davy Jones:

The dude could play the organ with his beard. Too bad he was the worst character in the entire series.
Homer Simpson:

A permanent 5 0’Clock Shadow is still a beard, and I salute you.
House:

He’s an asshole, but you have to forgive him, because he’s got that beard going on.
Santa Claus:

He gives you presents, and he’s got a bear. That’s all you need to know about the man, so stop asking so many fucking questions.
Captain Caveman:

The dude’s all beard.
Which brings me to my next point:
People who don’t have beards, but logically should:
Fred and Barney:

They’re fucking Cavemen. I don’t buy that shit about those lines around their mouths being beards.
Thor:

He’s a fucking Norse God. Thor doesn’t shave.
Superman:

How the fuck does he shave? With kryptonite? He’s fucking Superman.
The rare exceptions to the rule:
George Michael:

Sure, he wrote “Faith,” but he’ll also offer to jack you off in the bathroom, so it depends on your preferences.
Charles Manson:

Perhaps worse than leading a cult of serial killers is the fact he’s a dirty hippie.
Hippies:

GET A JOB.
The Homeless:

GET A JOB.

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