The Bearded Man

They say behind every great man is a great woman, but in front of that great man is his beard. As I enter into the ranks of the bearded, I thought I’d take a moment and review some of the greatest men who ever lived and their beards, and discuss how their beards made them more of a bad-ass.

Jesus Christ:

You can’t tell me you’d prefer your Lord and Saviour without a beard. When the son of God is dying for your sins, he’s got to look good, and the beard is what let him go out in style. The man was so bad-ass, he became a swear. Fact: When he was being whipped, they made damn sure not to touch the beard, because that would have brought down the wrath of God.
Mohammed:

Just like Jesus, if Jesus had some balls. Not only did Mohammed have a beard, but he encouraged others to grow their own. He started a fashion trend. True fact: Mohammed’s beard was so glorious that even seeing a picture of it could strike you blind. That’s why it’s forbidden.
Chuck Norris:

Fact: Don’t fuck with Chuck. This is why:

Mr.T

Mr.T’s beard is so bad ass (Baracus) it scared all his hair to the top of his head. That’s how he got the Mohawk. The gold chains are there only to distract you from how magnificent his beard is.
Abraham Lincoln:

The South only surrendered when they saw Lincoln’s beard coming at them. Plus, it helped hide just how damn fugly his face was. They wouldn’t let him on the penny without it.

Ew.
Ernest Hemmingway:

He spent his days drinking and fighting bulls with his bare hands. His grammar was worse than mine, but he’s considered one of the greatest writers because he knew how to be a man. Step One: Grow a beard.
Gordon Freeman:

The headcrabs come at him just because they want a piece of that beard.
Master Chief:

Ever see him without the helmet? No. Ever see him shave? No. He’s sporting a beard under there.
Z.Z. Top

Notice how the guy in the middle doesn’t have his face closer to those chick’s assess? No beard.
Adolf Hitler:

No beard. One ball. ‘Nuf said. Rot in hell, you bastard!
The Bearded Lady:

People have, for over a hundred years, paid to see a bearded lady. Why? Because she has a beard. That’s how important beards are.
Wolfman:

You can only kill the wolfman with silver bullets, because his beard gives him magical protection.
Vikings:

Fact: Vikings didn’t wear helmets with horns on them, but they had huge fucking beards, and that’s what made them awesome.
Davy Jones:

The dude could play the organ with his beard. Too bad he was the worst character in the entire series.
Homer Simpson:

A permanent 5 0’Clock Shadow is still a beard, and I salute you.
House:

He’s an asshole, but you have to forgive him, because he’s got that beard going on.
Santa Claus:

He gives you presents, and he’s got a bear. That’s all you need to know about the man, so stop asking so many fucking questions.
Captain Caveman:

The dude’s all beard.
Which brings me to my next point:
People who don’t have beards, but logically should:
Fred and Barney:

They’re fucking Cavemen. I don’t buy that shit about those lines around their mouths being beards.
Thor:

He’s a fucking Norse God. Thor doesn’t shave.
Superman:

How the fuck does he shave? With kryptonite? He’s fucking Superman.
The rare exceptions to the rule:
George Michael:

Sure, he wrote “Faith,” but he’ll also offer to jack you off in the bathroom, so it depends on your preferences.
Charles Manson:

Perhaps worse than leading a cult of serial killers is the fact he’s a dirty hippie.
Hippies:

GET A JOB.
The Homeless:

GET A JOB.

Technorati Tags: beards

COMEDY GOLD: “Get out of my dreams and into the back of my van…”

LiveJournal Tags: comedy

Have you ever had this happen to you? Some dude pulls up to you in a van and immediately pesters you by asking if you want to buy a home theatre system, which on would supposedly imagine is in the back of said van. This happens to me nearly every time I go out to the mall area in Langley. Obviously, this shit is stolen, so you’d be buying someone’s stolen goods. Or else you’d be getting robbed the second the back doors of that van open. How does this business model work? It would have to be a cash purchase, first off. They crook will be hoping for you to offer upwards of $500 in his fantasy. You won’t have this amount with you. If you do, you need to be robbed. Tell me where you are and I’ll come rob you. More likely you’ll have like $20 and a Quiznos coupon on hand. This won’t satisfy him, so the haggling process would get a little bizarre from there.
Him: “You’re only offering me $20 for this fine piece of home entertainment? This is worth over $10,000, my friend.”
You: “Do I look like I have $10,000 to spend?”
What happens to this guy if he runs into a stereotypical Jew (this is assuming you're a racist, or a self-hating Jew, and I apologize profoundly for my remarks) who’s just going to try to ream him on the price? Like someone who’s more interested in haggling for the price than the actual product he’s trying to buy? One of those people who fucking get off on a cheap deal. The kind of person who’d have this stereo system displayed in their living rooms like big game hunters have lion-skin rugs. Have you met these people? They become fucking enraged if you don’t want to haggle. I don’t think kicking their mother in the cunt could make them angrier.
At this point he’ll already be acting skittish and ready to drive off, but I can imagine the suggestion you go to an ATM is placed somewhere in this conversation. That’ll work out great. Having some crook waiting behind you while you withdraw money from an ATM.
There’s literally no way a situation like this can end well. Here’s some things that could happen:
You could get robbed.
You could get beaten.
You could get kidnapped.
You could get arrested.
You could buy the home theatre system, and then later on while you’re bragging about your new toy to company you find out it actually belonged to one of your friends, and they want it back. You could offer to sell it back to him at a nominal fee, and in the ensuing fight you’ll be stabbed.
A lot of weird shit could go down.
But what if he’s just like a pedophile with candy trying to lure you into the back of his van so he could have sex with you? You’d be like, “AW SHIT! I MISSED OUT ON SOME GAY SEX!” Then you’d be bummed out. (Pun) (This is assuming you're a homophobe, or a a self-hating homosexual male).
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On that note: does any dude try to pick up chicks that way? “Hey ladies, do you like puppies? Well I’ve got them right here in the back of my van.” Why not? It has to work some time. Obviously, there’d be a lot of hit-and-miss involved. A lot of flyers would be posted around town, but statistically women like candy and puppies and John and Kate Plus Eight. Any combination of that could lure them into the back of your van. Even Cougs. ESPECIALLY COUGS.
How that could lead to consensual sexual relations is really up to the individuals involved.
“Look, I know I said there was a puppy back here, but really there’s only my penis.”
Maybe it could work? Maybe it could even lead to a long term relationship… with Bubba in prison.
There’s a reason I don’t give out dating advice.
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Do you think anyone has been arrested for genuinely trying to sell puppies out of the back of a van? Like that kind of mix-up where on person’s thinking one-thing and the other’s thinking another?
“What’s the matter, officer? All I told him was I wanted to show him some puppies in the back of my van? No… Don’t tase me bro’…” *BZZZT*
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I saw one of those kinds of vans today where you think: someone’s been raped in the back of that. There was a bad painting of Charlie’s Angels on the side and the back had some sort of advertisement saying, “Rent me.” I can’t remember the slogan was, but it was vague and confusing. Whatever it was, it didn’t look reputable. The owner probably referred to it as the Shag-Wagon…
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What’s sadder? Having to give up your Pussy-Wagon, or keeping it well past the logical conclusion?

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Crime is no Longer Crime

Technorati Tags: Abbotsford

In the wake of the bizarre story about a, “criminally insane killer” (their exact words) who escaped during a day-tripe to an amusement park comes a story just as baffling out of my town of Abbotsford. A dad who left his children to fry in his van during one of the hottest days of the year while he went off to a beer garden at the fair to drink isn’t going to be charged. The kids required medical attention for dehydration and several witnesses claimed he had said he knowingly left them behind, but police say there isn’t enough evidence for a conviction.
…That’s bullshit. Serious bullshit. I don’t even know what to say about this. The guy’s a dirtbag and he’s being allowed to walk. Probably even gets to keep his kids he nearly killed. WTF?

LiveJournal Tags: abbotsford

Do-It-Yourself Copyright Infringement

ScribblenautsScribblenauts advertises itself as a write-anything, do-anything game, so not surprisingly with a little imagination, you can rip off movies. There’s even one level where you have to recreate the scene in Back-to-the-Future where Marty McFly literally goes back to the future.
I’m getting pretty close to recreating scenes from Star Wars IV: A New Hope. I can do “laserswords,” robes, hovercars, and I can substitute C-3P0 with a regular robot and Sasquatch for Chewie. Good stuff.

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Scribble Me This…

LiveJournal Tags: Scribblenauts

I’ve been playing Scribblenauts for the DS for about a week now, and finished the game yesterday, so it’s time to reflect.
Scribblenauts is more significant as a gaming mechanic than the game itself. In order to play, you must summon objects by writing them down with the DS stylus, or entering them in manually on a keyboard screen. If the game can produce the desired object, it’ll appear on screen. There’s over 22,000 working words, so there’s quite the variety. Of this selection, about 100 words or so will actually be useful to gameplay.
As you’re picking and choosing your own weapons, gameplay will vary vastly from player to player based on their imagination. Thus comparing notes is quite interesting.
In my experience, the most useful objects are: ropes, chains, wings, fan, water, jetpacks, air vents, large air vents, flamethrowers, rayguns, dragons, Cthulu, walls, chainsaws, and bridge ladders. Bridge ladders are especially useful. Almost every one of the 200 levels involves clearing a pit. Obviously, the easiest way to transgress this is with a bridge. Writing, “Bridge,” will provide one, but it’s too short by far. A bridge ladder is the perfect size for most pits. Only, if you try to cross and bump the edge, the whole bridge will move, and possibly fall off the edge into the pit. There’s also multiple meanings for some words, so if you don’t pay attention to the definition menu, you’ll get “Fan: a person,” instead of “Fan: a tool.” The fan was especially useful with moving objects without going near them and alerting monsters.
As for levels where you’re charged with killing multiple enemies, you can summon a gun. A gun’s only good for three shots if you’re lucky. A ray gun has a one-hit-kill ratio for most enemies, but will still only last you those few shots. A melee weapon like a chainsaw will last you longer. Or you can avoid doing any dirty work on your own by summoning a monster on your own. Big monsters like dragons, or Cthulu work best. You set them loose, moving them from place to place with they stylus then discard them after to avoid being killed by them yourself. Other monster like Ghosts and Death work well. Vampires and zombies will only create more vampires and zombies, or vampire zombies, so are best avoided. But: if everyone’s a vampire, you can bring out the sun and dust them. There’s also even more obscure monsters like the Mothman and the Jersey Devil to summon. Worst still in terms of monster extinction are Armageddon level weapons like Nukes, or floods. For underwater monsters, or obstacles, a depthcharge automatically detonates on impact. You just have to place it above their heads and let go, whereas with bombs, dynamite you have to physically walk up to and charge, and grenades you have to throw.
A few levels are confusing with their rules. There will be people you can kill, or must kill, and people you can’t. Some objects just won’t work, and some work too easily. A bee will sting you if you walk by, but you can summon a wasp to kill that bee, but then the wasp won’t sting you. Did it lose it’s stinger? You can blow through most levels in ten seconds, or spend ten minutes. Controls can be sticky too. Everything is done with the stylus on screen aside from looking around, so you can accidentally jump out of the helicopter you’re tying to fly, killing you instantly. There’s also a lot of weird “fails,” where you’ll die or lose for no apparent reason. Usually it’ll be because you destroyed or misplaced an object you weren’t supposed to .

Technorati Tags: Scribblenauts

Since there’s over 22,000 words, and combos you can use, there’s infinite replayability. Also. you can pit monsters against each other to see who’ll win. A vampire can apparently kill a werewolf no problem, so Underworld was a lie.

Barak Me Obamadaeus

Barak Obama spams the hell out of me; or rather his elite team of left-wing Socialist lackeys spam me. He’s got his own webpage, he’s on facebook, he’s on twitter, and he’s unavoidable. I have to hear about his “Health Care Plan” every damn day, and I’m Canadian. “Ooo… ‘Social Health Care.’ How original.” I love the fact that in the States, Americans think Social Health Care = Communism. Ergo: Canadians are Communists. Vis-à-vis: they should bomb Canada. Look how fast I made that connection. Now imagine what Fox News could do with that same scenario. Scary, isn’t it?

Anyway, I doubt Obama is ever actually addressing “the people,” at any time and delegates that task to his “grass roots” minions. Every time “he” writes, he wants me to go out and physically do something. I’m on my computer. The only physical thing I want to do is to myself. I don’t want to go door to door like a Mormon and tell people about my love for social reform. Leave that to sadder, lonelier people than me. It’s still interesting to see what kind of response the President gets every post. There’s thousands of comments left on his facebook page. You know what I don’t see when I’m reading them? Not one, “LOL fag!”

What makes the President immune to the same kind of ridicule your average person receives on a daily basis from random people on the internet? Would he just completely freak out when he reads it too? Would he shoot back with the classic, “I’m not a fag, fag!” or, “You’re the fag, faggot!”

Could those sort of misplaced comments on the internet lead to the secret service writing up a file on you? Would they keep you under observation? Would he try to have you killed? Would his personal vendettas on the internet destroy his presidency?

Also: why the fuck is he on the net so often? Is this what he does in his office all day while avoiding Oprah? Is he googling himself? Is he playing WoW?

Technorati Tags: Obama

Star Wars Epic Fail

I recently introduced Patrick, my girlfriend’s four year old son to the original Star Trek Trilogy (Episodes IV-VI). After completing them, he of course wanted more, so I reluctantly obliged. I began with the 2008 animated Star Wars Clone Wars feature film. Bear in mind that this movie was created to launch the televised cartoon series, and was targeted specifically at a younger demographic. In effect: this was made for him.
Within five minutes of starting the movie, these were the questions I was peppered with:
“Where’s Darth Vader?”
“Where’s Skywalker?”
“Where’s Chewie?” Indeed. Where is Chewie?
Yes, none of the fan favourites are in this movie, only their pale imitations. Also: explaining to a child the setting for the movie is a little difficult. “This is before Luke Skywalker was born.”
“That IS Darth Vader.” No one’s going to buy that crap. Not even a four year old.
We shut the movie off before seven minutes and watched Simpsons instead.

Technorati Tags: Star Wars
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Widescreen Edition)

Oh Kanye.

I love waking up and finding out a celebrity has disgraced themselves on national TV. During an acceptance speech by Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards (yes, MTV still clings to the false claim they’re a music video channel), Kanye West burst onstage and told the world that, “Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time.”
…Really? “Of all time?” Did you watch her video? It’s basically just her shaking her ass, which is all she does in all her videos and stage performances, because she’s Beyonce. Perhaps there is some subtle art to ass-shaking that I’m not familiar with. Perhaps she was retelling her sad story of, “growing up in the hood.” To me, nothing really stands out about it. Maybe you meant to say, “Beyonce has one of the best booties of all time.” Then all of this would have blown over.
They’re music videos. Their cultural relevance is just slightly above porn. If they were important enough, the channel airing their annual awards ceremony would also play music videos in regular rotation instead of shows about Tia Tequila trying to get laid. They’re not, however, and today, music videos are just something that end up on youtube next to videos of laughing babies and bloggers ranting about celebrities doing the shit you’re doing.
Seriously: no one cares about music videos. Ever. Why would you get your panties in a bunch over something like this? It’s not the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election. No one was robbed, because there’s nothing to steal. It’s immaterial.
Did you think it was some sort of race thing? That Taylor Swift was ripping off a black woman. Was it a, “Taylor Swift doesn’t care about black people?” kind of situation? It wasn’t.
This was a dick move all around. Not a, “Chris Brown assaulting Rhianna,” kind of dick move, but still…

Technorati Tags: Kanye West,Taylor Swift,MTV Video Awards
Graduation [Explicit]

Enter the Bat

LiveJournal Tags: Batman: Arkham Asylum

Technorati Tags: Batman: Arkham Asylum

I just finished playing Batman: Arkham Asylum for the Xbox 360.
This is one of the best reviewed games in history for a reason. There's little to fault in this fighting/puzzle adventure that keeps the material true to the comics.
The original story is probably the most solid scripts written for a video game, and it doesn't collapse under the large cast of characters. (If you try and tell me that Halo 3 has a better story, I’ll punch you in your pricky fanboy face.) It follows Batman over the course of one night after capturing the Joker. As he escorts him to his incarceration at Arkham Asylum, the Joker stages a prison riot chock-full of Batman’s worst super villains. Mayhem ensues. Instead of escaping, the Joker turns Arkham into ground zero for his master plan involving a derivative of the Bane serum and an army of hyper-muscular mutants.
Batman has to fight Bane, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Zsasz, Killer Croc the Scarecrow and the Joker, with nods to other villains who don’t make personal appearances. The Riddler is in the game as a voice coming through his com-link, daring him to solve his riddles. Virtual unknowns like Humpty Dumpty are mentioned in the context of these riddles. Other characters have their back-story expanded upon by audio tapes.
Combat is wide and varied. A big-boss fight like the one with Zsasz can be ended as simply as throwing a Batarang, while a fight with the Scarecrow goes through a fear venom-infused nightmare sequence that hearkens back to his parent’s death. Once of these hallucination has the effect of psyching out the player by making it seem like their game is crashing in ol’school NES cartridge style. The screen fritzes out and then the game seemingly restarts, showing the opening CGI sequence again. Only this time: Batman is Joker’s prisoner. That’s gold.
Character costumes have been tweaked slightly, in good ways. It’s almost impossible to tell if Poison Ivy is wearing panties. She’s certainly not wearing any pants. Or a bra even. Bane and Croc are swollen to massive proportions. Batman’s costume is detailed enough to show every seam. As you play and take damage, the rips and tears and cuts last the rest of the game.
Most of the voice acting is borrowed from the award winning animated series, with Mark “Luke Skywalker” Hamil proving he’s a better Joker’s Joker than Heath Ledger.
The game’s probably definitive of it’s yet-unnamed genre, similar to other hits like Assassin’s Creed where you spend most of the game sulking around corners, hiding from guards, and then getting into massive brawls with 10+ guys. The rest of the time is spent looking for hidden items.
Only problem I can find with the game is that it took me one weekend to beat, with 76% completion. It’s a renter, not a buyer, unless you’re buying the special edition that comes with IT’S OWN FREAKIN’ BATARANG.
Another thing (not necessarily a problem), but Batman never kills. He doesn’t kill in the game either, but logically, you have to assume that some of the goons he’s kicking off the side of a platform into a unfathomable pit. Here’s one of the things I did in the game: I shot a man in the gut with a grappling hook, then dragged him forward off the platform he was on into a bottomless pit that would kill Batman if he falls in. Also: quite frequently, you can explode an entire wall behind a group of thugs, burying them in hundred of pounds of rubble. Plus you can hang an unconscious thug upside down dozens of feet off the ground, then cut them down, so they have no means of protecting the heads they’re falling on. Logically, their necks would break. 
I’m going to give it a 10/10, only because you have to give out a 10/10 to sometimes. If you didn’t, then what’s the point of having a scale that goes up to 10? Have it start and end at 1, you pricks, for all the scale matters. So what if the game didn’t literally suck me off? It’s probably one of the most memorable game I’ve played for the right reasons.

You Old Bastard

Ever have this happen to you at McDonald's? You’re standing in line for five minutes or more, and just as you reach the counter, some old bastard cuts in front of you to ask for a free coffee refill. There you are: a paying customer being circumvented by this decrepit shell of a human being asking for something for free, as if their need is greater. These are the geezers who spend all day at fast food joints, making a mockery of the term, “fast.” You’re likely to spend more on your single purchase than they will for their entire week stay at McDonald’s. They may still be on their first cup of coffee eight days later. Who knows? They’re like the kids at an arcade who can make a single quarter last them eight hours on a cabinet.
At no point, however, should these people be given priority over a customer in line. If they want coffee, they can get in line just like everyone else. Why are they rushing ahead of the line anyway? They have nothing to do all day. Their lives are done. That’s why they’re hanging out in McDonalds like reverse teenagers.
No one ever says a thing, however, we simply wait patiently for however long it takes them to place their ridiculous order. “Half-coffee and half-hot water, with cream and sugar,” the old lady said. WHAT? You want a half a cup of coffee and half a cup of hot water mixed together? Do you know what coffee is? HOT WATER. Putting water in coffee makes more coffee, albeit in a diluted state. Is that what you want? Watered down coffee? Why not try decaf? Also: notice how the word “please” was nowhere in that sentence.
The cashiers always serve these freaks with a smile on their face, as the only other alternative is a complete mental breakdown. Meanwhile, I’ll be on a fifteen minute break, and the clock is ticking.
I don’t know what age courtesy dies at. One would assume it’s at age 15, but then it grows back in time to enter the workforce and have your soul crushed. Then, after forty years of that, the facade breaks down and you turn into the sort of person who cuts in line without an explanation or cause.
As for courtesy: I think I’m being very courteous by saying nothing, but what about you? Have you ever seen some freak out? Have you freaked out?

Technorati Tags: lines

In the Ghetto.

LiveJournal Tags: Abbotsford

Off of MSN news. For the third month in a row, Abbotsford has one of Canada’s 10 highest unemployment rates.

Larger image
August '09 unemployment: 9.0%
July '09: 9.0%
Source: StatsCan
Technically, this picture is of Mission. Maybe 10% of the water in the bottom left corner may be Abbotsford, though. Don’t think you can fool me, interwebs.

Technorati Tags: Abbotsford

Are You Going to Eat That?

I had a dream last night I worked at Toys’R’Us, and I was showing a customer these shelves full of construction toys like Mechano, but I kept eating them. They were made of cold, hard iron too. It was like biting into a Snickers that’d been left in the fridge. The customer was asking what’d he’d need to complete his son’s set, and I would tell him, “Well, you’d need the Klaxon set, but I ate all those. I could order more in, but then I’d only eat those ones too.”
Obviously, he was put off by my compulsive eating of inedible metals he intended to buy as presents for his begotten son, and he asked, “So why do you keep eating those?”
“Well, it’s a compulsive eating disorder, isn’t it?” I told him.
“Ah,” he seemed both satisfied with the explanation and abashed at the same time.

Technorati Tags: dreams

Disambiguating Twitter

LiveJournal Tags: twitter

I’ve been on twitter for a few months now without any real interest. It’s really more of an app than a site, but it’s fast becoming a part of life. With any new site, however, there’s a period of bizarre happenings that turn most people off. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
Twitter differs from other social sites as you are more the hunter than the prey when it comes to spam. You’re not being constantly messaged about dating websites and boner pills, but instead you’re being “followed” by shills using fake profiles. Most of the time, you won’t even know the exist, because they’re not interacting with you directly. It’s only when you delve into your list of followers. Over half of them will be fake. These non-persons are easy to spot, as they’ll be following +1,000 people and have 0 tweets. That’s just lazy, especially considering the average tweet is about coffee selection. As a business model, spam isn’t exactly the way to win over customers. The spammers on twitter are even less effective, as they attempt to lure you in. In order to fall victim, you must first check your list of followers, scroll over their profiles, which will invariably feature a picture of some moderately attractive chick that’s been cut and paste off of another site (I wonder if these chicks ever get spammed by their evil doppelgangers? That’d make a good short story. Note to self: I like Swiss cheese, but not the Swiss.) Their profiles will have a link to a pay site for porn, or some shit. Who knows? The lasting effect of all this is that you may get fifteen new followers a day. A day later, they’ll all be gone, as they’re removed by the moderators. So you’re only as popular as you fit into someone’s demographic.
Another weird thing? Being able to follow a celebrity’s every random thought. I’m not talking about big “C” celebrities, I’m talking about M.C. Hammer and Demi Moore. You want to know what Demi Moore tweets about? It’s like reading a bored 20-year-old stay-at-home’s facebook update. Some of these small “c’s” are as cool as shit, though, like Felicia Day from The Guild. The best part, though, is when two of your random favourites interact with each other. I was reading one my favourite comic book/fantasy authors Neil Gaiman chat with Frances Bean: Kurt Cobain’s daughter. That kind of awesomeness can pull the universe apart, and then out will pop Morpheous wielding a blue guitar. 

Technorati Tags: twitter

Another thing: twittering a compliment/complaint about any business will cause more of a reaction than a bomb threat. Companies care more about these tweets on the internet than actual customers who are physically at their stores. Best Buy is apeshit insane over tweets. I can’t prove if anyone’s ever been fired over a customer tweeting a complaint about an employee, but I bet it’s happened. At my job at Home Depot we have Home Depot “TV” playing in the break room, showing us tweets people have made about our business as if it’s somehow a justification for everything we do. Then they talk about NASCAR, because the head office is in Georgia.
I was just at the liquor store, and in their flyer it’s asking people to follow them on twitter for updates on new sales. …They’re targeting internet nerds and offering them cheap deals on alcohol. They know their customers well.
The most messed up thing I’ve seen lately is a twitter-ladden episode of rerun of Fringe. If you’ve ever watched “Pop-Up-Video” it’s basically the same idea. Tweet boxes pop-up on screen with the cast answering questions and chatting with one another like any other geek on a messenger service. It’s pretty damn distracting, as these boxes take up half the screen, and there’s a lull between tweets. So these stale messages just stay on screen for ten minutes after the scene in question is over. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an interesting idea, but it needs tweaking. The end result is like reading the transcript for a director’s commentary with cast and crew.

Nerd Exploitation

Technorati Tags: Disney,Marvel Comics

LiveJournal Tags: Disney,Marvel Comics

A lot of nerds freaked the fuck out when they read that Disney bought Marvel Comics for $4 billion dollars, because they’re certain that Disney is going to destroy the franchise. I’ve got news for you: it’s a little late for that.
If you’ve skipped out on comics for a year or two, and are just returning to the pages of Marvel, here’s what you missed:

• Spider-Man sold his marriage to Mary-Jane to the devil to save his decrepit old Aunt May, who then returned the favour by marrying J.Jonah Jameson’s father, effectively making Peter Parker step-brothers with his worst enemy. There were a lot of scenes with Peter walking in on his Aunt and his new “daddy” having old people sex.
• Everyone was a Skrull at some point. They brought back a slew of characters no one remembers, or cares about like Mockingbird, under this ridiculous pre-tense. Spider-Woman was briefly relevant because of this.
• The Green Goblin controls the most powerful counter-terrorist organization on Earth, so he’s in every comic. There’s a lot of bad jokes about his hair.
• There’s a Red Hulk, nicknamed, “Rulk,” and he has dominion over Hulk’s comic. All the momentum built up from Planet Hulk and World War Hulk is dead as a result.
• There’s a “Dark” Avengers, with Venom pretending he’s Spider-Man and Bullseye playing Hawkeye. People are too stupid to realize that Spider-Man typically doesn’t eat people.
• The X-Men moved to San Francisco. Since they’re in San Francisco, they’ve added Northstar, the gay Canadian mutant, or the X-Men’s answer to “Bruno.”
• Shatterstar and Rictor from X-Factor (formerly of  are X-Force) apparently are gay, and have always been, despite there being no evidence to support this aside from Shatterstar’s incredibly gay top-knot. We find this out during a full-page spread of them making out.
• Captain America is dead, and he’s been replaced by Bucky, his former side-kick who was killed off in the 40’s for being too gay. Only: Cap’s not dead. He’s lost in time ala “Slaughterhouse 5.” The issue you have of his death is worth less as a result.
• Asgard from Thor’s comic is in Dr.Doom’s backyard now. Loki is a very hot chick, only he’s still a dude. It’s fucked up.

I could go on, but why bother? I want to talk about the movies.
Obviously the thing that concerns most people is how Marvel’s super-hero movies are going to change. FOX still owns the rights to certain heroes like the Fantastic Four, the Silver Surfer, Wolverine, etc. To keep these rights, they have to keep making movies. That means these movies are going to get made. So they’re just going to churn out these movies every couple years, no matter what the script’s like. You think the last Wolverine movie was bad? It can get worse.
As for super-hero movies in general, good ones are hard to find. For every Iron Man, there’s a Spider-Man 3. Nerds need to wake up and stop fantasizing about what their favourite characters will look like on the big screen. They’ll look like leathery nightmares played by Ben Afleck.

All I Wrote Tonight

Technorati Tags: writing

I tried finding a sketchbook at Wal-Mart, but even during Back-To-School, they don’t have any on their shelves. I was thinking of drawing a graphic novel. Still am. I dream in comics these days. I think it’s time to rework an idea I’ve had bumping through my mind for the past 16+ years. Here is a very crude imaging of what I’m driving at. I shouldn’t say that though, because it’s completely different. The style would be completely different when I get into it, but here I am drinking beers and listening to the Rollins Band:
“Pick a card, any card,” the voice told him in true magician fashion. The disconcerting thing was that the voice was connected to nothing. The room around him was vast and gilded gold. The table before him more so. Arrayed upon it was a virtually infinite number of playing cards.
Naturally, he was confused, although he was quite certain what was being asked of him. “So… I should pick up one of these cards?” he asked the voice. He looked about the room, trying to get his bearings. It was like a dining hall in the proportions of a train station. The ceiling was arched. Everything was the colour of gold, even if it was not. Turning in his high-backed chair, he looked behind him. The room stretched beyond view, like a tunnel wrapping around the world. The table was lined with chairs numbering in the hundreds, although none were as grand as his aside from the one in distant opposite end, which was every bit it‘s equal. A moment before, he would have said that this seat was empty. Now it was host to a dim figure, bearded and grey. More than this could not be viewed.
“A card,” the man reiterated.
“Ah.. Sure,” Michael said. Still confused, he reached out and picked a card at random. Turning it over, he saw it was the Queen of Diamonds. “Here.” He turned it around so the man could see, if his vision was that acute. Afterwards, he wondered if he was supposed to show the card.
“Put it back,” he was told sternly.
“Okay,” Michael complied. He set it back, and awaited further orders.