669

Someone’s been leaving pamphlets all over town: I’ve been finding them on car windshields and in elevators. I’d hasten to call them religious propaganda, but it would be a bit reluctant. It’s a document regarding the Anti-Christ, how he’s coming, and how he’s going to fuck up your life and rape your dog unless you’ve got Jesus backing you. It points to various factors like Global Warming as a sign that he’s already here, so apparently the Anti-Christ has been leaving his car idling in park.
Let me just say: it takes a real guts to speak out against the Anti-Christ, because NO ONE has had the balls to do that before.
…He’s the FUCKING Anti-Christ. I know you’re a crazed religious fanatic trying to start your own cult, but people don’t need to be told the Anti-Christ is bad news. He’s got that whole, “Anti-Christ,” thing in his name. He’s supposed to be the evil opposite of Christ. He turns wine into water and causes leprosy, or some shit like that. Maybe he has a goatee. Who knows? Why are you wasting paper trying to tell people he’s up to no good?
I didn’t read that much of the pamphlet, because it is essentially a book. Best guess is about thirty pages, and it could fit snugly in your pocket. If I read more than the front and back I’m sure I’d see the author spewing hatred at homosexuals and insinuate that Obama is the Anti-Christ: fun stuff like that.
Can I ask a question? Let’s say the Anti-Christ is real, that he’s here today, and he’s going to destroy the world. What the fuck do you expect me to do? Am I supposed to go stop him? How? He’s the Anti-Christ, meaning he’s equal to Jesus Christ, who himself is 50% God, which if my math is correct: the Anti-Christ has half of God’s power. I’m 100% mortal. I’m going to get fucked up if I try to take him on. I don’t have to see Brock Lesnar in person to know he could slam me headfirst through the floor. Stuff like that hurts, and that’s exactly the kind of crap the Anti-Christ could probably do if he put his mind to it. I’m not going mono-a-mono with him. He’s the Anti-Christ, so it should be Christ himself who has to take him on. Good luck to him. I’ve seen crucifixes, and Jesus doesn’t look all that imposing a fellow. I could probably beat him up if I wanted to. Plus he’s been dead for about 2000 years, so that’s not good. Usually, when you’re looking for someone to save the day, you don’t choose someone who was tortured to death 20 centuries ago. Maybe Jesus will get lucky and the Anti-Christ will turn out to be some 11 year old in a wheelchair. Maybe then he could win a physical confrontation.
I get the feeling that whoever wrote this thinks Jesus is fuelled by the magic of prayer, and if we pray enough Jesus gets super powers. I don’t think it works that way. Jesus doesn’t get juiced up like Hulk Hogan when people clap their hands. You need a better plan: like get Jesus some mixed-martial arts lessons. Have him spar a bit, then try to take on the Anti-Christ. Like he could try to fight Dick Cheney first and work his way up.
I also noted how the author kept referring to “666” being the Number of the Beast, when in fact is in the page the devil first appears in the original King James Bible. It is only a reference number. I know there’s some great songs and that about the Number of the Beast, but it’s not that significant.
Also: believing in the Anti-Christ is just plain retarded. There’s lots of evil men and women out there who like to fuck shit up, but they’re not the Anti-Christ. You know why? Because the Anti-Christ in very specific terms laid out by Revelations has to be born of jackal. That’s not a metaphor: they literally have to be born from a jackal. That’s not happening: mainly because it can’t happen. Human babies do not come from canines. Case closed.