C.O.B.R.A. has developed a weapon that dissolves metal. This is considered their ultimate weapon, one which requires the likes of G.I. Joe to stop. The payload is delivered by missile. So instead of using explosives, they’re using some kind of wacky acid. The effect is exactly the same. You hit the Eiffle Tower with a missile, it really doesn’t matter what it’s full of: that metal bastard is coming down. Also: the scene where the Eiffle Tower collapses reminds me a lot of the scene from Team America: World Police.
There’s a French trailer that basically shows the entirety of a chase scene in Paris. The Joes have to follow the Baroness and Storm Shadow as they escape in their pimped out Hummer. Now: they’re in a van. They have a vehicle. They are fully capable of continuing the chase in their vehicle. They decide against this. Instead: they decide to chase this speeding black SUV on foot. Snake Eyes does a sweet-ass jump off of an overpass onto the top of their SUV and proceeds to chip his way through their armour with a hand gun to sink his sword inside. I have no problem with people riding on the tops of moving vehicles. I’m all about Teen Wolf over here. My problem is with what follows.
If you’ve see 10 seconds of the trailer, you’ve seen the Accelerator Suits. It’s a ridiculous and miraculous suit of armour that enables them to run like crazy. Now: these suits must cost billions. They basically do nothing besides enable the wearer to run fast. A cheaper alternative would be to get on a motorcycle, but this is the U.S. military we’re dealing with.
Speaking of motorcycles, Scarlett happens to catch up to the SUV on hers and blows off a dude’s head with a tricked out crossbow. She also does several physically impossible things with her motorcycle, but that’s neither here nor there.
Meanwhile, Snake Eyes does this unbelievable ninja move where he swings around an exploding car that’s hurtling towards him. I say unbelievable because it couldn’t happen in anything resembling real life. Then he ends up under the SUV, where he clings on for dear life. While he’s under there, it never occurs to him to cut the brake line, or the fuel line, or any of the things within easy reach that’ll bring the chase to a standstill.
Duke’s running after them in his Accelerator Suit with Jar-Jar Binks. Somehow, they’re able to dodge missiles, but they can’t catch up with this SUV. Now: Snake Eyes is still under the SUV, so Duke decides, “Hey, I’ll just shoot a missile at him.” Let’s say you’re on the same team as someone. They’re in a bad situation. Do you then proceed to alleviate your teammate’s problems by firing a missile at him? No. That’s called team-killing, and it’ll get you kicked. Duke doesn’t see it that way. His dad was Duke Nukem, and he had balls of steel, so eat shit and die.
Also: have you see the toys for this movie? Cobra Commander has a clear mask, and he’s got a Robocop/Freddy Kruger thing going on underneath. You’re supposed to take this guy seriously. Apparently giving him a executioner style hood wasn’t menacing enough. Plus: Snake Eyes has lips moulded on to his mask. Big, kissable lips. The idea is for his enemies to be overcome with strange new emotions.
Frankly, this looks worse than the animated movie based on the cartoon that came out way-back-when. At least that made some semblance of sense. Even the weapons were better. They had a Weather Dominator. It dominated the weather. What does this movie have? Oooh, look out, or we’ll melt your spoons!
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