Bustin’ Makes Me Feel Good

Ghostbusters is 25-years-old. Not to the day, necessarily, but lets pretend it is for the sake of argument. I believe it’s the proper time to review the phenomenon that is Ghostbusters for the sake of all you eighteen-year-old EMO fuckwads out there that are too busy cutting your wrists and listening to Linkin Park to appreciate a good move like Ghostbusters, or it’s ensuing cartoon series, the REAL Ghostbusters. I bet you little pricks don’t know why they called it Real Ghostbusters, do you? It’s because there was a group of fake-ass Ghostbusters running around trying to catch ghosts in fucking butterfly nets with a gorilla. That shit doesn’t fly with me, even if gorilla companions are awesome.
Let me explain to you that the root of my deep, dark depression is knowing that I can never be a real Ghostbuster, because there’s no longer any ghosts. They were all busted into extinction back in the 80’s. You see: before the Ghostbusters came to be in ‘84, there were ghosts everywhere. They were all over the place, like sperm on Paris Hilton. You couldn’t take a shit without a ghost jumping out of the toilet. That all changed when the proton cannon was invented.
See: the one thing about the Ghostbusters was they weren’t afraid of no ghost. They took the fight to the ghosts. Soon, the ghosts were the ones afraid. Mainly because they were being taken to concentration camps. That what the containment units were, really. I think a lot of people knew the truth, but they didn’t care. All they knew was that there wasn’t any ghosts.
Now you might ask, Why are there no ghosts today, when people are still dying?” Because ghosts are still too afraid. They opt for the Hell that awaits them instead of being sent to the ghost camps. Do you know what goes on in there? Do you know what a Hot Carl is? Imagine getting that from Slimer.
Seriously, though: there was a time in my life when being a Ghostbuster seemed like a viable career choice. Name one job that’s better. You can’t. It’s like being a fireman, only you get to blow up giant marshmallow men on the side of skyscrapers. You get to slide down the firepole, drive around with the siren on, kick down doors, hook people up to potentially dangerous electronic devices. The only downside: you’re going to be torn to shreds by demons from another dimension. Oh well.