Hollywood Handjobs

So the Oscars were last night, and once again they featured movies no one went to see or care about. "Slumdog Millionaire" won Best Picture, which is ironic, since I think it made a million dollars at the box office, tops. The only nomination anyone cared about was if Heath Ledger for Best Supporting Actor for acting like a strung out drug addict. (What a stretch!) He won, but what's the point? What's more pointless that a posthumous award? It's not like he can bask in his success with his traditional pill-popping. He's fucking dead. Why kiss someone's ass if it's already rotting in the ground?  I think Heath's more enduring legacy will be the phrase, "Pulling a Ledger," when someone O.D.s on Nyquil and Tylenol.
What about Mickey Rourke? Did he actually think he was going to win? I say this ironically, because he was damn sure of it. Sean Penn even had to mention him him his speech so he wouldn't cry. "The Wrestler?" Mickey thought he deserved Oscar gold for a role better suited to the Ultimate Warrior. Seriously, Macho Man Randy Savage could have done that movie. The only difference is, I would have paid to see Macho Man. You can be certain the Macho Man would have a better acceptance speech than Mickey Rourke. "Step into a Slim Jim, ooooooh yeah!" then he would have elbow-dropped Anthony Hopkins. Hugh "Wolverine" Jackman would be powerless against him, because we all know he can only be defeated by Spider-Man.
The most pathetic thing is how I had to read about his Chihuahua dying a few days before, meaning I was supposed to be sad and say, "Oh, I hope he wins now. Only Oscar can heal his heart." Instead, I was, "Who the fuck is Mickey Rourke? If I have to be reminded who you are, you're not A-list. Also, "What kind of man has a Paris Hilton dog?"
I love the fact they kept taking about how it was Meryl Streep's 15th Oscar nomination, and they kept kissing her ass, and they sat her at the very front of the audience, and she fucking lost. They cut their cameras away too fast after declaring the winners, so you didn't get to see their hateful reactions.
Also: why the fuck is Wolverine singing and dancing? Don't fucking do that again, ever. The musical is not back, despite your musical number saying it is.