Is Lance Armstrong a Dick?

Yes, yes he is. (Why are double positives okay, but not double negatives? Fucking optimists, that’s why.)

Or is he?

Yes, he’s a dick.

Think about it: Lance Armstrong basically nullified the results of seven Tour De Frances in which hundreds of competitors stretched their endurance to the limit after countless hours of training, only to be defeated by a guy with one nut and a butt-load (literally) of steroids. As a competitor, you went through one of the greatest trials of your life, only to have your hopes and dreams dashed by a cheater who went on to make millions in endorsements while you languished in obscurity. One man represented everything you ever aspired to, and he got there by rigging the game. You could say Lance Armstrong ruined his life and his legacy, but after his interview with Oprah was over, he probably took a limo back to his five star hotel and drowned his sorrows in top shelf booze before calling his wife back at his mansion and crying. There’s no way to feel sorry for him, or what he did, or what he is. He had all the talent and ambition you’d attribute to someone with the, “right stuff,” and he decided that as great as he was, he wasn’t good enough. So he cheated. That’s like throwing tacks behind you for other people to ride over when you’re already in first place.

If you boil down his confession, you’ll find the only reason he did it was because he wanted to be a better role model for his children. His children who live with him in his mansion, and want for nothing. They’re probably like Will Smith’s kids. What lesson can they factually take away from their dad eating a tiny slice of humble pie after a caviar buffet? That cheaters never win? Cheaters always win. They cheated. That’s the real secret to success. You want to get ahead in life? Cheat. Everyone’s trying to be the best, in their own way. No one is purposefully trying to come in last. Every man, woman and child on the planet is inching their way closer to their own goals in life, and they’re better than you. Tanya Harding them, then Barry Bonds yourself.

Look at every major athlete, multi-billionaire, First World nation, or international conglomerate. They all had some good ideas, they worked hard, and they had the talent to get where they are. They were also ruthless cheaters. The skirted every rule, every law, and basic human decency. If there was a way to grind babies into cocaine and money, they’d do it. You? You’re not them. You’re not a psycho/sociopath, dear reader.

Pete Rose has a new reality show about how awesome his life is, even after the betting scam that cost him his good graces. He’s fucking the shit out of his Penthouse playmate wife thanks to Cialis, and he wants you to know he’s better than you. Why? Because he cheated and you didn’t.

Like it or not, we all have are own moral fibres. Religion might have given them to you, or else the beatings. They’re what makes us the Obi-Wans to the Anakin Skywalkers of the world. We know right from wrong, even if we don’t admit it.

What did Lance Armstrong do? He basically destroyed an entire sport and a half-billion dollar charity for cancer victims because he thought he could stick a needle in his ass on the sly and no one would get suspicious about all his winning. Nothing you do with your daily screw-ups will really match that. Even Tiger Woods fucking anything that doesn’t already have a penis attached to it isn’t that bad.

How bad did he fuck up? He Oprah fucked up.

Oprah.

Oprah is the woman you have to apologize to when you fucked up so bad even your sacred ancestors are ashamed of you. Remember the guy who wrote a “Million Little Pieces,” (which was actually a pretty good book). His only crime was claiming it was a real auto-biography. Lance Armstrong got off easy compared to that guy, and all that guy did was write an inspirational book that wasn’t 100% non-fiction. He fabricated a romance and a couple key characters and left a work that still had an impact and lasting impression, and he not only had to apologize to Oprah, but he had to apologize to a Jewish author who wrote a book about the Holocaust. Imagine Oprah calling you out for being a douche on national TV, and then she brings in a Holocaust survivor to make you feel worse.

All Lance had to do was cry on TV for Oprah, and it was like he was the victim. Crying makes everything you do okay, because you’re a dude, and dudes don’t cry.

Lance isn’t even in any real legal trouble for all the shit he got into. He didn’t have to come out and even say he did what he did. He could have gone on Oprah, pulled down his pants and flashed his toned ass before injecting it with more Steroids, and not gotten into any more trouble, because Steroids are the consequence-free drug. If it was weed, he’d have a better chance of landing in prison, and two States are trying to legalize it. They say that records and legacy are wiped out by Steroid use, but this isn’t the magical land of Narnia. Sports Historians still have all the facts, and they still have to learn everything about you and your career to understand the sport at large. There might be a nameplate missing at the Hall of Fame, but everyone with a book or internet access for hundreds of years can know about you and your bullshit legacy. There’s still videos of you crashing though yellow tape and those are going to be preserved for future generations. He still gets to be a headline, while all the people he competed against are the footnotes, if that much, In fact, he’s the most interesting thing that’s happened to the sport, and arguably ever will. He’s become inseparable and immortal. He’s herpes. Rich, douchey herpes.