Bieberosity

I’m not necessarily a Bieber-hater. I don’t have the time to do the research into his songs, his twitter feed, and the underlying culture surrounding him to truly, truly hate him and his stupid hair. But I will say something about one of his songs. Ever switch through stations on the radio and hear part of a song, and not realize who’s singing it until you hear the DJ explain after, and then you feel dirty and unclean, right down to your soul? That happened to me and one of Bieber’s songs. That “Beauty and the Beast” one, which goes:

“All I need now to make my life complete/Is a Beauty and a Beast.”

What? What does that even mean? How am I suppose to interpret that? Are you like, way into Beauty and the Beast, the Disney film, and you have to be watching it all the time like a comic book store employees and Star Wars? Do you have it playing on a constant loop in your tour bus? Do you bring groupies, or Selina Gomez, or Selina Gomez groupies onto your bus and force them to watch it with you, your eyes not even focused on the screen as your lips move along with the words?

It’s like you’re complementing a woman on her beauty and saying to need her to be part of your life, but then you also need some really ugly chick too. Maybe there’s two friends, and you’re trying to fuck them both, and this is your way of telling them without really saying which one is the ugly one. It’s up to them to decide through a bitchy catfight who’s the prettiest, while you sit on your custom-built throne and laugh like you’re Geoffrey. Or maybe he’s so jaded at 19-whatever that he has to fuck a pretty girl and fugly girl at the same time just to get to normal/half-hard. It’s like how the golden Persian dude in 300 had topless belly dancers, and some of them had like faces growing out of their faces. Bieber is that Persian dude with all the piercings.

His life is “complete?” Is he going to kill himself? Is this a cry for help? After his frantic, confused mating will he retire to the bathroom, huddle in the shower and smear his face with lipstick while holding a gun to his temple? Does he even realize what effects “completeing” his life at 19-whatever could have on him? All his hopes, dreams and ambition would bleed out of him until he’s nothing but a shell with stupid hair.

Is he a Beast? Has he been cursed by an evil witch? Is that why his hair is so stupid? Is he going to die if the last rose petal falls? Also, why did the witch in Beauty and the Beast turn all the Beast’s servants into candles, cupboards and tea pots? That was a bitch move. Those people didn’t do anything to deserve that sort of punishment. The Beast got off relatively easy. I mean he still has hands and feet. Chip was just a kid, and now he’s a teacup with a chip in it. Did he have that chip to start with? If he shatters, does he die, or does he keeping on living a sham of life, still able to feel the pain of every broken piece, unable to move or even cry out against a cold and uncaring universe? What about that gay French candlestick guy? He has lit candles for hands. That melting wax is the closest thing he has to flesh, and it can detach from his body. What happens if the candles burn out? Is he in constant firey pain? Plus what happens if the Beast actually dies after the last rose petal falls? Do they keep on going, or do they turn into inanimate objects permanently. Fuck…. Maybe that’s why the Beauty fell in love with the Beast, just to release these poor people from their eternal torment.