Halo 4 Racism

Halo 4 is a game where a man in a green space suit shoots hundreds of aliens in their faces. It’s also racist. The game takes place in the far-flung future where nations don’t really matter, and race itself has become sort of a moot point. Previously in the series, black character were featured prominently, much like Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury in the Avengers. I don’t recall any black characters in Halo 4, unless they were nameless guards on the Infinity. Your multiplayer Spartan is, of course, raceless, as he or she is all decked out in head-to-toe armour. For all you know, there could be a swirling mass of gas in there where skin should be, ala Legion of Superheroes.

The sore point with Halo 4 is that is finally reveals Master Chief’s face (he’s white). This only occurs when you beat the game on Legendary, but you see him as a child beforehand. The reason this is racist isn’t because he’s white, it’s because the game clearly states that Master Chief is the most perfect and highly evolved human being to ever live. The proverbial, “Chosen One.” Master Chief is quite literally, the Master Race. And he’s white.

There’s a bizarre scene in the game where he’s transformed into his ultimate form. Millions of years of evolution go past in the blink of an eye under his armour. He could have emerged from his helmet as a beam of light. Instead, he’s a white guy, which statistics show is actually in decline.

That kind of drops the ball. On the one hand, you want the game to be relatable to it’s audience, and for people to identify with him. On the other hand, you’re being completely un-imaginitive and callous. By comparison, Spider-Man 2099, featuring a half-Irish, half-Mexican protagonist is more advanced. We’re a global village now. My own kids are 1/4 Japanese, and the sure as hell didn’t get that from me. I might even be 1/16 Native American, (or Injun as the 16th of me was called back then). I’m at least 50% Scottish and the rest is mostly English. When I’m the whitest man alive and I’m still confused about 1/8th or more of my racial heritage, what chance do our children have? We’re not living in the age of Serfdom anymore where you could expect to live and die in the same village. These days, six months isn’t the travel time between coasts on the Atlantic Ocean, it the time it would take you to reach Mars.

Eventually, race won’t matter. Some people will have lighter skin, and others will have darker skin. That won’t make them, “White,” and, “Black.” We’ll be like litters of puppies where one has black fur and the other has brown fur with white spots, and another is white altogether. Who the hell cares? We’re all adorable puppies.

Look at the last two minutes of Halo 4. Whitey’s everywhere. It’s a White World, Charlie Brown.

XXX-Mas 2: ‘Tits the Semenson

‘Tis the Season. At work they’re playing a radio mix of 80’s and bland Christmas music, the two most blatantly commercial genres in existence. Sometimes I wonder what would happen to all the coked-up record executives in the 80’s if internet music downloads had existed at the time. People would be flinging themselves out of windows… onto mountains of their cocaine before the Columbian drug lords could repo it all.

I’ve always wondered if in the Deep South they play non-stop Country in their stores and shopping malls, even around Christmas. Like, they’re all super-blow-up-an-abortion-clinic-Christian, but even they think Christmas music is too gay.

Do you even want to think about how much money people are making doing shitty covers of already shitty Christmas songs that everyone’s heard a million times before? Quadrillions.

Fuck A Duck

Setting: “Fuck A Duck” Gameshow

Props: Microphones, a kiddie pool with water, a blindfold, duck.

Bill: “Hi, I’m Bill Tannerman and you’re here for another exciting episode of America’s favourite game show, ‘Fuck a Duck!’ Let’s meet our first contestant, Michelle! Michelle! Welcome to, ‘Fuck a Duck!’ Tell me, where are you from?”

Michelle: “I’m from Tennessee!”

Bill: “That’s unfortunate. Tell me, Michelle, have you ever fucked a duck before?”

Michelle: “No I haven’t, Bill!”

Bill: “Well do you know how the game is played?”

Michelle: “I sure do, Bill!”

Bill: “You’ve got to fuck a duck! Everyone’s a winner, Michelle! There’s no wrong way to play. Why don’t we meet the ducks? We’ve got five ducks here tonight. We’ve been feeding them bread crumbs and cigarette butts. I don’t know what ducks eat. Michelle, looking at these ducks, could you tell me which ones are boys, and which ones are girls?”

Michelle: “No I couldn’t, Bill!”

Bill: “Does it matter to you?”

Michelle: “Not really, Bill!”

Bill: “We’ve got a bisexual duck fucker here tonight, folks! She goes both ways! With ducks! Now do you know anything about duck genitals at all? Do you know what they’ve got going on down there?”

Michelle: “No I don’t, Bill!”

Bill: “Me neither! They seem really small, though, because I’ve never personally seen them and it’s sort of my job here. Are you worried about contracting duck S.T.D.s?”

Michelle: “Not really, Bill!”

Bill: “Are you worried about giving our ducks S.T.D.s? That would be bad. I mean, I’ve known these ducks for a while now, and I’d hate for anything to happen to them. I’ve come to think of them as a second family, as my real family no longer speaks to me. ‘Cause of the show. But life goes on. Michelle, are you ready to fuck some ducks?”

Michelle: “I sure am, Bill!”

Bill: “Wait! Before you go and fuck these ducks, I want to know, would you risk it all and go one better? Tonight, we want you to try our Super Secret Special Round, Blind Man’s Luck Duck Fuck! Michelle, let me tell you all about it! In Blind Man’s Luck Duck Fuck, you have to put on a blindfold and then step into our Wading Pool of Doom! Yes, there’s going to be five different ducks for you to fuck, but don’t fuck that loon! That’s right! There’s a loon in there, and if you fuck it by mistake, you’ll be immediately escorted from the facility and thrown off a bridge. How does that sound?”

Michelle: “That sounds exciting, Bill!”

Bill: “But wait, there’s more! If you fuck all five ducks, you can win a fabulous prize. Tatters, tell her what she can win!”

Tatters: “This 64 pack of Crayola Crayons featuring only the most racist colour known to man, Indian Red!”

Bill: “That’s right! 64 Indian Red Crayons. Think of it, you could draw the entire Trail of Tears with that. What do you think about that, Michelle?”

Michelle: “I think I’m ready to try Blind Man’s Luck Duck Fuck!”

Bill: “She’s going to do it! Folks, while she’s stripping down and lubing up, I want to talk to you about our #1 hit-rated show. Did you know that, ‘Fuck A Duck,’ is actually based on a much less popular Canadian game show call, ‘Fowl Play?’ The rules are the same, but instead of ducks, they used Canadian Geese. They had to be shut down after the second season because everyone caught, ‘Swimmers Itch.’ Can you imagine it, folks? Canada, it’s just like America, but without the balls. Alright! Let’s see how Michelle is doing! …She appears to have downed in four inches of water… That’s… unfortunate. Folks, we’re going to take a commercial break and see if we can revive Michelle. If not, we’ll see you next week, right here on, ‘Fuck a Duck!"'

I’ve Got Halo 4 Problems, but a Bitch Ain’t One

I’ve only just finished the Halo 4 campaign. I only ever really encountered one glitch, where my Pelican wouldn’t take off at the beginning of a mission, but it was relatively easy to resolve by restarting the level. I wanted to call it, “The Pelican Brief,” glitch. I don’t see why I can’t.

Halo 4 differs from all other Halo games by having a clear and definitive antagonist. Master Chief’s always been butting heads against random soldiers in the field, but there’s never been a big baddie. There was that weird Space Pope guy and the, “Flood,” plus the evil floating orb robot, but they’re not really a foil. Diadact is more like Master Chief himself, but with tusks, and unexplained Darth Vader force powers. Diadact can magically ensnare Master Chief using pychokinesis and render him completely helpless. He does this two times. Plus, he knows everything Mater Chief is doing at all times. He still somehow loses. The epic final battle between the two involved pressing the grenade button when told to. It wasn’t even a mini-event you could fail, say, by not pushing the button in time, or in sequence. It’s like pressing the button to move on to the next piece of dialogue.

There were a lot of too-easy levels, like the Ghost race from the exploding planet, which made no sense and seemed like a level stolen from the Toy Story 3 game, which was actually harder. Playing on Normal and playing on Legendary on that one seems like it would be the same difficulty as well, which is odd.

There’s an entire level dedicated to ripping off Star Fox, only much, much easier, and with nobody telling you to do a barrel roll.

For some reason, every mission objective has you doing things in twos. You don’t just have to deactivate a barrier, or whatnot, you have to deactivate two, in the exact same fashion, on identical platforms, with the same group of bad guys guarding each goal. This happens at least five times or more. Sometimes, it mixes it up by asking you to blow up three identical power sources… to blow up the two others.

The graphics and three, count them THREE new enemies are the only thing really separating the game from the others. Some of the weapons are ridiculously overpowered as well. Others, like the standard battle rifle and the Dominion version of the same, have an irritating effect on one of the new enemies. The new Knights teleport, and will do so unless you successfully empty an entire full rifle clip into. If you miss one bullet, you have to reload and wait for them to reappear. They often come in threes as well, and look identical, so you’ll have either guess which one you just shot, or pay way more attention than the situation requires.

Mater Chief doesn’t get a whole lot of respect in the game. Despite everyone in the universe acknowledging he’s the greatest human being to ever live, and has saved all of humanity in the past, he’s still treated like a scrub. Bear in mind, his name isn’t Mater Chief. That’s his title. That’s like being Emperor God. You’d think there wouldn’t be a person left in a position of authority over him, but no, he gets chewed out by a ship’s captain. Whom he helps rescue.

The other problem with Master Chief is that he’s supposed to be a master strategist, on par with Napoleon or any other leader in history. Every single one of his plans involves him going into a dangerous situation with little to no weapons, ammo, back-up, or escape route. Alone. That’s… dumb. Really, really dumb. His only ace-in-the-hole is Cortana, who is frequently captured, disabled, or compromised. The whole game’s romantic sub-plot is that Cortana is breaking down, and he’s still relying on her faulty programming to do literally everything for him. Without her, he can’t so much as open a door. Any door. Imagine losing a war because you couldn’t open a door, because your computer program has a virus. There’s no door handles in the future.

Halo 4 Galileo Glitch

I was play Spartan Ops EP:3, CH:2, Galileo, and everything was going normal until the last objective of the level. I died from a headshot and when I respawned, all the enemies were seemingly invisible, or they had fallen through the map. All you could see were their guns, which were just above ground level. Plus they were moving around as erratically as possible. The only way to kill them was seemingly with grenades.

This wasn’t the case, however. I eventually saw one up close when it stopped moving long enough to get a good look. They were still there, only impossibly small: about as small as the game could render them. They were basically the size of the bullets I was shooting at them. It was fucked up to say the least, like some alternative Big-Head mode. I tried to record it in my file share, but it only save Wargames matches.

Halocopter 4

Strangely, around the same time Halo 4 came out, I saw Halo 4” lights on sale at Home Depot, and had to wonder if it was a completely unrelated coincidence or an actual ad wizard came up with that one.

My ability to splatter enemies across the map has been hampered as of late. In virtually all cases, the splatee is jumping out of the way, whereas I am being splattered constantly. I tried using the hard light shield ability a few times, thinking it would cause the offending vehicle to instantly explode like in Halo Reach when deployed. Nope. The same damage is taken with or without the shield, which defies the laws of physics. Halo is full of those confusing moments where something that seems innocent can kill you, and something that looks like it can kill you is harmless. For instance, being attacked from behind can instant-kill you, whereas taking a full clip to the sternum at point-blank range has the same effect on your shields as stubbing your toe. I think the major change with my ability to pilot vehicles effectively has to do with the enemy always standing directly in front of a rock or wall, causing me to curve my steering too much to be effective. I end up missing and grinding up against the wall, unable to turn, while they throw grenades at me. There’s always a second fucker blasting away at my vehicle while I’m zeroed in on a target as well. Bailing out never, ever works. Not for me. I’ll hold down the X button and my character will take two seconds to jump out. The animation for the exit always starts as the vehicle explodes in a purple haze of plasma.

People online were bitching because weapon drops have to be earned now instead of being pre-placed on the map. I’m fine with that. The game was all about running like mad when you spawned to grab the best gun, and then suffering if you happened to get there second. The vehicles are still ready to go, with other appearing at certain pre-set scores. That means everyone runs for the vehicles now when the game starts, because you’re a sitting duck if you don’t. I don’t know why the Ragnarok map has four mongooses. Mongooses suck. They suck so hard. So very hard. They’re useless. You can’t even run people over with them. You always sort of just bounce off them, like you’re on a giant beach ball. Then you get blown up.

I had to look online to remember how to assassinate. It’s not listed in your controls. You’d think it’d be a big thing, considering it’s always an insta-kill. I did my first assassination in the game on a Knight in Spartan-Ops. My screen lit up with Achievements and Avatar Awards. It’s like I found the game’s clitoris.

I was expecting a huge drop in the online population because of CoD, and there was.

Chewie and Joey

Now that Lucasfilms has the ambition to make two to three Star Wars related movies a year, I’m closer to being able to pitch my pilot project, “Chewie and Joey.” “Chewie and Joey” is a sitcom starring Chewbacca from Star Wars and Joey Lawrence from Blossom, living together as roommates in an apartment (Joey and Chandler’s apartment from Friends, specifically). Hi-jinx ensue.

Here’s a sample of some dialogue:

Joey: “Hey Chewie, the shower drain is clogged full of hair!”

Chewie: “Rwarrrr!”

Joey: “Whoa!”

Their landlord will be Holographic Don Knotts, who doesn’t like Wookies and doesn’t know that Chewie is one, and so Joey has to dress him in a variety of disguises. Their wacky neighbour will, of course, be Kramer, as I’m pretty sure he’s not doing anything with his career right now. Only now, he’s addicted to crack, and is often caught stealing things from their apartment. Sometimes he’ll just burst into the room and start spouting out racial slurs.

The lyrics to the theme song will be, “Chewie and Joey! A-a-a-a-a-a-aaa…” sung to the theme from, “The Never Ending Story.”

When Chewie and Joey go to hang out, they head down to the Canatana where Chewie has a crush on one of the girls who works there, who’s inexplicably one of the green alien chicks from Star Trek, but he’s too shy to ask her out. Too bad she’s dating Boba Fett, who’s essentially the dick boyfriend from every 80’s movie. Chewie tries to take dating tips from Joey, but most involve being ridiculously good-looking.

Plus the Empire is out to get them, and they’re frequently attacked by bumbling, incompetent Storm Troopers.

Hello, Halo 4

Headshots and splatters seem easier in Halo 4 than any other online shooter I’ve played. I can get about three of each in a match. I don’t think it has anything to do with skill, really. I think it has more to do with people lolling around while I shoot them. They seem okay with that. Unlike other iterations in the franchise as well, bullets have an effect. It use to be you had to empty two clips into an enemy to kill them. Now, I can fire three well-aimed shots and get a kill. Hip firing, as always, is easier than scoped kills in Halo. I had to struggle to remember how to even zoom, and which weapons had a real zoom-option and which immediately snapped you back to regular crossfire. In the end, I gave up on trying to get long-shots and settled for mid-range to close kills. I don’t bother with fancy weapon pick-ups either and I stick to the regular battle rifles. They seem balanced enough to go up against a better armed opponent with poorer aim.

It may be the graphics upgrade, but it’s easier to target enemies and time shots. Splattering is just ridiculous in this game. It’s more difficult to jump out of the way of an oncoming vehicle than it is to run someone over. You don’t even need the guns the vehicles are equipped with, as they seem merely for show. I can even hijack back a vehicle that’s been hijacked from me, or stick it with a grenade immediately after and laugh my balls off. You can get the gun of your warthog hijacked by the enemy as you’re driving and the two of you somehow become part of the same team. The enemy gunner can’t hurt you as the gun doesn’t reach the driver’s seat and you can’t hurt them directly as you’re driving. You just drive around like a mismatched pair of detectives in an action movie. I had this happen to me tonight and I was stuck wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I settled for driving the vehicle off-map and jumping out at the last second. The vehicle immediately exploded, killing the gunner as I walked back to shore, unscathed. I stood in front of the explosion like I was Gangaman.

I’m still having trouble at close range with dust-up. When you’re firing into the torso area, and you have to reload, and it’s quicker just to rush forward and punch them than to put a new bullet in the chamber, I always seem to lose.

Herro 4

I went to the midnight launch of Halo 4 thinking I could snag one of the free T-shirts for the first fifty customers. I arrived at around 12:04, and I was the two-hundredth of so person there. In fact, I was dead last. I didn’t think it was going to be that popular, since it was a console exclusive. Earlier, I was kicking myself for not pre-ordering. Those feelings went away after standing in line for twenty-minutes at the regular line-up. The pre-order line was twice as long as the sales line, and it wasn’t moving. At all. I couldn’t understand why, even with all the people there, the sales line was taking so long. It wasn’t like waiting in line at Starbucks. Everyone was buying the exact same thing. The cashiers didn’t even have to ask what you wanted, all they had to do was immediately produce a copy of Halo 4 and take money from your greasy hands. Somehow, people made it difficult. The pre-order line was for people picking up things they had already paid for. In theory, it should have taken no time at all. In theory. All you should have to do is produce a slip of paper and get the matching product, then jetpack out of the store. One guy was taking up no less than three clerk’s time for over ten minutes. The store was only supposed to be open for an hour for the event. I was personally worried I wasn’t going to get through in time before closing.

I did manage to get codes for in-game armour, which later appeared to be un lockable even without the codes. So really, they wasted paper and ink printing the codes out, and my time entering in the two over 24-digit long random codes into my system with only a controller.

The first thing I discovered, upon opening the game, was that there were two discs, ala Battlefield 2, with no clear indication which disc was for what. Typically, a shooter has one disc for multiplayer. I put in disc one, and trying multiplayer prompted me to insert disc two, which forced me to restart my system, then install the disc, which took about five to seven minutes. I screwed around by modifying my armour before jumping into any matches, and was surprised when I unlocked two achievements just for that. Then, starting the multiplayer in earnest, I jumped on Big Slayer and was surprised to see an old, touched-up map from Halo 3, and thought to myself, “How lazy.” I know people have their favourite maps, but the point of buying and playing a new game is to play a new game. If I wanted to keep playing the same maps, I’d go and play Halo 3, or Halo ODST, which had the same maps. In summation: Three games in the Halo franchise have the exact same map. The only change I noticed, as I looked around dejected, besides the graphics, was a mech suit. I immediately ran screaming and jumped inside, as this is really all I ever wanted out of life. I played around with the controls, thinking they must have nerfed the mech suit somehow so it wouldn’t be as awesome as it looked. Seconds later, I had scored my third kill. It was exactly that awesome, and awesomer still. It even had a button for a power-stomp. I was eventually hi-jacked, but I couldn’t care. I’d already cum.

I went up about five levels in two matches, without my bonus Mountain Dew XP.

The rest of the game then immediately decided it was going to be same-old, same-old.

I tried the campaign today. In the past I remarked that in Halo your character is always in a dramatic, slow-motion helicopter/plane crash every level or more. The level starts with a space battleship crash. That’s the entire level. Not only does it crash, but other ships crash into the ship as it crashes. Then, all those ships crash into another ship, while yet another ship crashes into yours. The next level picks up in the wreckage of all the crashed ships. Sometimes I worry that Master Chief gets off on it as much as he gets off on holographic women, like he’s in a David Cronenhberg movie.

I had yet to see a single new enemy. The game supposedly takes place four years after Halo 3, in which the Covenant lose, and he defeats the Flood. Halo 4 basically says, “Aw hell no!” to that idea, and gives him a billion more of the same three main enemies to fight. Think about how much the Germans changed in between WWI and WWII. The Covenant didn’t change a bit. They still have the same mustard stains on their armour.

Pre-order

I tried to pre-order something for the first time this week. It was going to be Halo 4. I realized I was going to end up shelling out $60 for it anyway, so why no try to get a freebie out of it? I looked around at all the pre-order bonuses and decided that Wal-Mart had the best deal going, and tried to order it there. That involved talking to Wal-Mart clerks. At least three clerks at two separate Wal-Marts didn’t understand the, “Pre-Order,” part of my sentence, and tried to find the actual product on the shelf. I had to repeat the, “Pre-Order,” part several times, and was told they never got any of the pre-order cards that were apparently essential to the process. So then I tried Bestbuy, with their second best deal. The had no less than four spots with pre-order cards. The only spot for Halo 4 was empty. I thought about going to EBgames where asking to preorder Halo 4 would likely result in them asking me if I wanted to preorder every other game that didn’t exist yet, and decided, “Fuck it.”

Online fared no better, as I’d passed the invisible pre-order date, and didn’t want to wait for the product to be shipped to my house. I tried the Wal-Mart and Bestbuy sites to see if I could order and pick it up in store, as I live and work in striking distance of both stores, and don’t want to play, “Answer the door in the allotted time or be forced to drive out to our shipping centre and pay extra fees for a product you could buy in store for less.” Apparently that was a no-no. EBgames’s site was acting like a retarded child, so I said, “Fuck it,” in general.

I Threw it on the Ground

Every time there’s a new “i” device, some yahoos on youtube start making videos of themselves throwing it on the ground. Sometimes it’s to “test” them, other times it’s to test the people lined up to buy the device. Their allegiances are typically quite clear. If it’s an iPad, it’s an Android fan doing it. If it’s a Xbox, it’s a Playstation fanboy doing it. They’re wasting hundreds of dollars for hundreds of thousands of views to their channel. In a way, their investment makes sense.

The result of these videos is difficult to ascertain. It’s not quite comedy, and it’s not quite informative, or scientific. Obviously if you drop something hard enough, you’ll break it.

These people are essentially bullies kicking over sandcastles. In a way, though, it’s poetic. The lifespan of these devices is measures in months at the smallest. Apple comes out with a newer, better, more fashionable product in less than a year. The shelf-life of a computer system is three to five years. In the end, they’re forgotten and discarded. Breaking it out of the box is only expediting the process. The comments are always, “Why would you do this?” or a snarky comment about how the commentator is so cool for owning a rival brand.

The other strange youtube phenomenon is, “Unboxing,” where users take exceptionally long videos of themselves literally unboxing a new product. The experience is pornographic for some, but utterly unnecessary. Every must-have product has countless pictures, videos and descriptions from the horse’s mouth long before it ever makes it to the shelf. Unboxing is only the realization of the hype, even though it shouldn’t be. The unboxer is always dedicated to the product, and their commentary will always be positive. If they weren’t a fan of the product, they’d be doing a, “Will it blend?” video instead. I wondered who these kinds of videos appeal to? Obviously if you’re bursting at the seams with anticipation for a product, you’d be waiting in line like all the other drones to buy it. Why would you sit around at home or at the office watching someone unbox something you could easily go out and buy yourself? Have you ever watched someone open presents at a birthday party or wedding? It’s excruciating. At my sister’s wedding I almost passed out from sheer, maddening boredom watching her and her husband open up toaster ovens and china sets for hours, while family and friends commented on the products. “That’s got three settings!” It’s better to give than to receive, but watching someone else receive is like watching them eat a bowl of cereal. Yes, they’re enjoying it, because they’re suppose to. It’s only interesting if they flip out and throw a fit because they didn’t get what they wanted, like when Eric Cartman didn’t get the Red Megaman.

In a way, these two video themes are like snuff films and porn for boring people.

Yo-Ho, Ho.

If I had access to a time machine, I’d go around the past and bury empty treasure chests all over the place, with clues leading to the next chest. Then I’d spread rumours around and come back to the future to see how many people wasted their lives. Maybe I’d put real treasure in the last chest and use my time machine to make sure to dig it up minutes before the first person arrived with their shovel, so I could turn around and tell them, “You’re too late!”

Presidential Loopholes

Remember when Gore won the popular vote and that didn’t mean shit? I’ve always wondered what other loopholes there could be.

For example, what if:

• The world ends on December 21, 2012, making this election moot.
• Romney: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe that government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what. And I mean, the president starts off with 48, 49, 48—he starts off with a huge number. These are people who pay no income tax. Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax. So our message of low taxes doesn't connect. And he'll be out there talking about tax cuts for the rich. I mean that's what they sell every four years. And so my job is not to worry about those people—I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives. What I have to do is convince the 5 to 10 percent in the center that are independents that are thoughtful, that look at voting one way or the other depending upon in some cases emotion, whether they like the guy or not, what it looks like. I mean, when you ask those people…we do all these polls—I find it amazing—we poll all these people, see where you stand on the polls, but 45 percent of the people will go with a Republican, and 48 or 4…” This entire quote basically states that Romney disavows forty-seven percent of the American population, meaning that even if elected, Obama will still retain control over this section, dividing the nation in two. If you’re on any kind of welfare or social program, then Mitt Romney isn’t legally your President.
• Zombie Lincoln. Never lost an election or stepped down from office, meaning he still is technically President… of BRAAAAAINS!
• George W. Bush being elected as President turned the American democratic system into a monarchy, as his father was a sitting President. Thus the United States are disbanded and given back to Britain.
• Obama loses and invokes, “Thunderdome,” challenge to Romney.
• Fallout from Hurricane Sandy leaves a huge swath of the American population unable to cast their vote. The results are not recognized because of this.
• Someone finally notices that the Bill of Rights expired hundreds of years ago and was never renewed.
• Obama wins, but loses his birth certificate. Trump totally calls him on it.
• In a Criss-Cross killing, both potential Vice-Presidents kill their Presidential opponents. (Personal note: as a terrible-side effect of googling, “Criss-Cross” to spell-check, I accidentally pulled up the results, “Cris-art.” I didn’t even click a link, but an add-on for Google Chrome highlighted a comic picture of a dude jacking off another dude inside his pants. That’s the essence of the internet.)