Real American Hero

This summer’s movies area all about super heroes, shortcuts, and poor body image.

The first one off the assembly line was Thor. In the comic books, Thor was an ordinary mortal/often absent doctor David Blake who’s transformed into an Asgardian God of Thunder by picking up a stick.

Seriously, a fucking stick. That’s the entire origin story. In the movie, he’s a bare-chest super-hunk who picks up a hammer and transforms into Thor.

Put on a fucking shirt and go fight the Frost Giants, Thor.

Then there’s kissy-time, despite the fact that the Thor in the comics hasn’t had a steady or even occasional girlfriend for about fifty issues.

Then there’s the Green Lantern, who’s greatest super power is having abs.

The Green Lantern’s deal is that his power ring does all the work for him. Whatever he thinks of, the ring will create. There’s no reason for him to ever work out a day in his life. Yet, he looks like this in the movie, because tickets must be sold.

Then there’s Captain America. It’s a story about a wimpy kid who gets turned into a bona-fide super hero using drugs.

This is probably the right image.

What about X-Men: Yadda-Yadda-Reboot. This is how Professor X is supposed to look:

This is how he looked in that movie:

If you can guess, there’s a common theme between all these movies, and it’s an American one: shortcuts get you results. If you’re a 90 pound weakling, take 210 pounds of steroids and punch some Nazis in the face. Problem solved! Also, American audiences only have time for Nines and Tens. Jack Black was once cast for the role of the Green Lantern. I shit you not. That movie, thankfully, was never made because he’s a 3, and that’s a stupid idea. When it was made, they went overboard. Fans wanted Nathan Fillion for the Green Lantern, because: Firefly. He’s only like an 8.5 by Hollywood standards, so it went to Van Wilder and history wad made? Who knows anymore. I haven’t seen any of these movies, because even as huge comic book fan, they suck even by my very low standards. After all the Daredevils and Elektras, I’ve learned my lesson. For every Sin City, or V for Vendetta, there’s a Hulk, or Superman Returns.