The Church of Phil

Hello, and welcome. By reading this, you’ve already taken the first step towards acceptance at the Church of Phil. It is also the last step. Welcome aboard. Please note that any deserters will be thrown into the Pit.

This is now your orientation. Allow me, your new Lord Emperor King God to explain the benefits and features to the Church of Phil.

Origins:

The Church of Phil is a giant tax dodge. So was your old religion. Deal with it. From that point, I slapped together a bunch of B.S. to keep your placated. Honesty is an integral part of the Church of Phil, because if I ever find out you snitched on me to the Feds, you’re going into the Pit.

Beliefs:

We believe that we should pay no tax. We also believe you should pay me. 80% of your earnings will be deducted from your account. This is non-negotiable, and will be written off as a charitable donation. You may cite it when filing your taxes, but you are disavowed from paying tax, even under threat of imprisonment. The remaining 20% of your income should be used to buy me gifts. You may keep your material possessions for yourselves, as they are tacky and out of date. Please note that your possessions may be used to barricade our compound from the Feds.

We at the Church of Phil also believe that I created everything as an extension of myself, and that I am the centre of the universe, which is me-shaped. You were made in my image, but obviously not as attractive as me. You’re welcome.

You shall have no Gods before me, but you can have Gods behind me. Those are the ones you should pray to, because I don’t really care about your problems. If those other Gods don’t like it, then maybe they should get off their high horse. I should be the only one on a horse anyway, brandishing a sabre and posed as if about to lead a charge, Phil helps those who help themselves, by having those people help themselves. Some situations may require you to seek medical attention from a trained professional. In those cases you should let someone else help you. Not me, though.

Those who sin, or piss me off, shall spend eternity in the Pit. This is both physical and metaphorical, as they will have been thrown into the pit before their demise. For those who live up to my high expectations, they get sweet fuck all, but at least they’re not in the Pit. Oh, what’s that, you’ve been a good person all your life? What do you want, a cookie? I’m not here to reward your for your behaviour. I’ve got orgies to attend.

Lifestyle:

There will be sexy orgies, but you’re not invited. You’ll be too busy digging the Pit. I need that thing to be deep enough that no one can get out, especially you, since you’re already in it digging. Other fun activities include:

• Slavery
• Forced labour
• Labour camps
• Indentured servitude
• Working without pay, or compensation

Dinner will include whatever you can eat before it can eat you. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and you’re part of the pack. Yes, there will be cannibalism. Consider that your Eucharist. There’s not going to be much down in that Pit besides you and a shovel, and a bunch of hungry, pissed-off people, and I’m not too sure about the shovel part yet. I can’t have you digging your way out of the Pit now, can I?

Suicide Bombings:

Those of you lucky enough not to find yourself in the Pit will be required to suicide bomb yourselves to keep our aggressors at bay, that’s a no brainer. Bear in mind, the only virgin awaiting you in heaven will be you, so kiss your right hand goodbye before you go. You must also provide your own explosives, and choose your own targets. Points will be awarded for size of explosion, difficulty, originality, swimsuit, and your battle-cry. The winner will be awarded a commemorative trophy, in which any chunks we find of you will be placed, assuming they’re yours. Members of the Pit are prohibited from suicide bombings as the resulting explosion may vault them out of the Pit.