In B.C., we paid Goods and Service Tax along with a Provincial Sales tax, which combined form 13% on most purchases, until our benevolent leaders decided to combine GST/PST into the HST Harmonized Sales Tax, which costs 12% on fuck-near everything. Notice how I said “nearly” everything. If you went to a restaurant, for example, you would only pay 7% for your sales tax. Now it’s 12%, which is more. This came at a time when the economy collapsed and the job market dried up our current Recession. Somehow, paying more tax would magically pull us out of this quagmire. Taxpayers, of course, were outraged as there is nothing “Harmonized,” about the tax. The Liberals who introduced it tried to put a spin on it, but you can’t convince the voters that a changed tax isn’t a tax grab, especially since it is. Now there’s a mail-in referendum to annul the tax. I received the ballot in my mail after the mail strike ended. I looked it over, but do you know what I see?
Two options: Keep the HST, or go back to the GST/PST. There’s no third option, which is not to pay taxes at all.
And why should I? If were going to get all revolutionary with our referendum vote, why not go all out and let the people say what they really want? If the government doesn’t like the radical idea of not having to pay tax, then maybe they shouldn’t be in power. Money, after all, is just a concept. A $20 bill is useless unless you can exchange it for goods and services. The services you acquire for paying tax are, of themselves, imaginary. They’re paying for roads you’ll never travel on, police you’ll never call, and feeding the poor you’ll never know exist. Ask yourself this: if the poor are taking all your hard-earned tax money, why are they still poor? It’s a losing game. Even if you review the entire budget and how every tax dollar is spent, you’ll never be able to put a face to virtually any of those services. People get mad as hell if their cell phone provider bills them for hidden fees on extra services they don’t want: why should they passively accept it when their government does it to them? Especially since they’re being charged tax on those extra services?
The answer to this, of course, is all out Anarchy, followed by a Communist Dictatorship ruled over by me and my robot minions, but people are far too passive these days. They’ll send their loved ones overseas to fight terrorist bogeymen, but they won’t do so much as knock over a mail box if they think it’ll improve their lot.
That’s why I’m proposing a second alternative to not paying tax for all you rational pussies: the Church of Philogy. By creating my own tax-free religion, we can enjoy all the benefit of today’s non-Post Apocalyptic Commie-Fascist Dictatorship. You are free to go about your daily lives free from the violence and bloodshed my global anarchistic revolution would bring about, but are legally able to refuse to pay any and all taxes on religious grounds. Sounds too good to be true? It is! Which is the best part of my plan.
First off, to answer some basic questions you might have as to why the government would allow me, your new Lord Emperor King and Personal Super-Saviour, to have tax-free status, I believe I already explained that with the violent revolution thing. Plus, you will be acting as my suicide bombers. I’m not talking about run-of-the-mill suicide bomber either. You don’t get into super-heaven by walking into a crowd and blowing yourself up. That doesn’t earn you any “eternity” points. You need to use creativity. I want you to jump off the Empire State Building and blow yourself up the split second before you hit the ground. I want you to drive a runaway train towards another train heading the opposite direction on the same tracks containing another suicide bomber and you both blow yourselves up simultaneously as you collide. I want you to make it the American Idol finals and blow yourself up as you sing the high note of your victory song. I want you to get a job defusing bombs, and after saving the city from certain disaster, blow yourself up as you wipe the sweat from your brow. These are merely suggestions.
At this point, you should be asking, is this a cult? Nyeso. It’s a cult, but with status, which is the same as religion. Plus, you get to enjoy all the great perks of being in a cult, such as:
Forced slaverySuper Happy Fun TimeRe-EducationEducationAnimal SacrificeGood EatsHuman SacrificeSportsVirgin SacrificeRomancePoisoningsKool-AidMass-SuicideVacation-Time
Plus, wild-sex orgies. For me, not you. I might tell you about them, though, so you can live vicariously through me.
Now if you’re still confused as to whether or not this religion is right for you and your family, here are some of our beliefs.
No tax: Tax is against our religion. If anyone tries to force you to pay tax, you should immediately detonate. That’s just common sense. You will, however, be forced to give me 80% of your earnings, and one kidney. How is that different from tax, you might ask? You ask too many questions. To the Pit with you. I shall accommodate your curious mind, however, by telling you that it’s not a tax, it’s a charitable donation, which is tax-deductible, but please remember that you’re not paying taxes. Also note that if you don’t pay your taxes, you get audited. If you refuse to pay my mandatory donation, you’ll be thrown into the Pit. After I’m through with it, the government isn’t going to want your money anyway. It shall be soiled. Note that I only require a mere 80% of your earnings. You get to keep that 20% as spending money for cigarettes and chewing gum. I’m not going to have you coming to me every day asking for money because you want to go to the movies. I’m not a wallet. You can keep your worldly possessions too, because they’re tacky and I don’t want them. They may be used as barricade one day when our compound is raided, so keep that in mind. Real wood furniture is harder to break through than the particleboard crap you get at Ikea. What if you don’t have any earnings? Get a job hippie. Otherwise, gas, grass or ass: nobody rides for free.
This may sound convoluted as an alternative to the HST, but it’s not. All you have to remember is that any opposition to me or my ideas and beliefs will have you thrown in the Pit.
No comments:
Post a Comment