Worst Job Ever!

Technorati Tags: Jurassic Park,toys

(Thanks to toplessrobot.com for the idea.)
You know what’s the worst job in the world? The guy who has to brand the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

Remember these toys? Of course you don’t. But each dinosaur has it’s own “JP” emblem branded onto it, so you' know you’re buying only the finest fake plastic dinosaurs that Chinese child labour can produce, and not some dollar store knock-off. That means that in the imaginary world of Jurassic Park, someone has to brand these thunder lizards with a white-hot branding iron. Why? Is dinosaur rustling such a prevalent threat that you have to have to brand your property like cattle? You sure wouldn’t want to get them confused with some other living dinosaur, like Goldie Hawn. Who does this? Are there two guys who get all the crappy jobs on Jurassic Park island like shovelling the dino-shit, and giving the T-Rex his suppository?
“Hey Ted, you grab him by the neck and I’ll poke him with this branding iron.”
“Fuck you, Bill.”
I don’t care how sophisticated their equipment is. There had to be a lot of trial-and-error involved. People died.
What the fuck is this guy in the package wearing, by the way? Camouflage and a bright-orange vest? He must get all the pussy. Since the movie establishes that dinosaurs see by tracking motion, what good does the camos do? If this pose is any indication, he’s about to be taken down hard. That dino with it’s 0-Points of articulation is about to take a bite out his crotch. He does even have to bite, at this point. All he has to do is run through his legs and let the spines on his back tear off his balls. That missile he’s aiming is going straight past the dino. What is it, anyway? A gas grenade? Is that why he’s wearing a mask? What good will that do? That fucker can run faster than the gas can seep out of that canister, and it’s bye-bye balls. Plus, he’s going to get hit in the face with a whole lot of recoil. To top it all off, that T-Rex on the card will probably eat the shit out of him if the little dude doesn’t.
Why do you need dino trackers? It’s supposed to be an island. Just get the fuck off the island and let them be. Just shut it down. You’re never going to make the money back you spent to build it in the first place when your tourists keep dying, so just declare bankruptcy. It was a bad idea.
The worst part about the Jurassic Park movie? Jeff Goldblum explaining Chaos Theory. You don’t need math to understand that cloning a T-Rex is probably going to end with a bunch of people dying.  It’s a very fundamental concept. Ask a pre-schooler what T-Rexes do, and they’ll tell you they eat people.
Fuck.