One of the best parts of the theatre-going experience is the trailers. Unfortunately, this comes after the regular ads for cell phones, Coke Zero and cars. Obviously, I’m not going to get up during the movie to run out and buy a fucking car, so why are you bothering me with this? Ever wonder why the auto industry is in trouble? Because they waste money on this shit. The cell phone commercials always make zero sense, especially the ones for Telus. They’ll show some cute animals on white backgrounds, and pretend they have something to do with their product. Please note that animals don’t use cell phones. People do. Loud, obnoxious people. As for the Coke Zero commercials: Coke Zero does not taste like Coke. Don’t fucking lie to me please. I have tastebuds. Also: why do the animated body parts have weird accents? Why are eyeballs French? Why do the Tongues sound like the two incompetent British guards from Pirates of the Carribean? Why does this disassembled human being have one eye and two tongues? Of course, there’s always someone in the audience who laughs too loud and too hard at this commercial. This will be the person who
Fortunately, at my last movie outing, they didn’t subject me to the movie trivia, or interviews with Canadian “celebrities.” This is nothing but pure filler and it benefits no one, especially the audience. Since I was watching “District 9,” a Restricted movie, I got to watch all the Restricted trailers they don’t show the kiddies. Their target audience was immediately apparent with these previews: dumb teenagers with short memory spans. “Sorority Row,” was nothing more than “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” with Sorority girls. Only, they’re not that hot. If you want hot, try Megan Fox in “Jennifer’s Body,” where she plays a hot slut who eats EMO kids. Think “Ginger Snaps.” This movie is straight-up porn, except there’s no actual porn in it, meaning there’s no point in seeing it. Then there was this messed up movie where Dewey Cox is a circus vampire. Any vampire movie at this point is completely pandering, especially an adaptation from a Tweeny novel. Then there was “Legion,” one of those movies where they’re holed up in a gas station diner trying to fend off an evil legion. You can change the location and the monsters and get any number of movies, like “Night of the Living Dead,” or that Stephen King one with the people in the grocery store surrounded by fog. They make the premise more ridiculous and redundant by having an angel trying to stop the Apocalypse because some pregnant ho’s knocked up with the Chosen one or some shit “End of Days” style, without the Governator.
The last one was the most promising. Another zombie-comedy (zombedy), called “Zombieland.” It’s got Woody from Cheers and shots of zombie girls in bikinis running in slow motion. Plus: young love. One of the disturbing things about this movie is that I immediately recognized Playland at the P.N.E. as one of the film locations. You want scary? Try going on a roller coaster that’s been featured in a dozen horror movies, like “Final Destination III.”
Nothing I saw was really that new or inspiring. They looked like the kind of straight-to-DVD movies you find by accident at Blockbuster, which was why it was so odd to see them before an original movie like “District 9.” It’s a movie with high-budget Peter-Jacksony special-effects, but over half of it is shot in this documentary-style shaky hand-cam like “Blair Witch.”
The weird thing about “District 9” is that it’s all a metaphor for a lot of racial persecution going on in the world today, so it has this message to it. On the other hand, it has these outrageous un-ironic racial stereotypes, like the African gangsters who sell guns, kill people with machetes and practice voodoo, and for a movie set in Johannesburg, they make up most of the black actors you see. The protagonist is white as well in a predominantly black culture. …
Kind of a mixed message.
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